Letters To Mama

Her name is Xenia

2012-01-30T16:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Can I tell you about Xenia? I know, quite an unusual spelling for a name, but that's just how it is according to her. In fact, all her siblings' names start with X. Anyway, she's not ordinary herself, actually Mama. She's smart, she also sings just like you, she's beautiful, and she… doesn't like me.

And all the while I thought she's the one. I was hoping she is, Mama. Well, if it was any consolation, she still talks to me and doesn't avoid me like I was a disease or something. I guess I should be contented with that, right Mama?

What am I saying?! I should just stop this foolishness and just focus on the kids. Looks like that is how it will be for the rest of my life. I'm not complaining, Mama. Don't get me wrong. I'm completely fine with that. In fact, I've already prepared myself for that. If that is how it should be, then so be it. I'm good, Mama.

Anyway, I hope you're doing fine Mama. Just give my regards to Bro. Jessie up there. And while you're at it, will you tell Him to take it easy on me, I'm not that tough you know. And I really could use some manna right now.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you.

I love you Mama.

Daddy

Sorry about my last post...

2012-01-27T07:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry about my last letter. It's just that I'm really tired of all these pains. I'm tired of getting hurt. If only you were here, I won't have to go through all these. I'm starting it again. I'm sorry, Mama. I really wish I can be with you soon.

I miss you.

Daddy

Why do you have to leave?

2012-01-20T03:08:00.000-08:00

I wish you didn't have to leave. I was taking good care of you, aren't I? I was willing to give up everything, turn my back on everything, just so I can take good care of you. But why do you have to leave me? If only you were here, I wouldn't have to go through all these stupid things. I wouldn't have to feel so lonely and look for acceptance... only to be hurt, ridiculed, judged, and be treated like I'm a piece of shit! Why do you have to leave, Mama? I promised to take good care of you. I was taking good care of you!

Dear Mama

2012-01-16T15:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Here I am, early at work. I had to leave early because I needed to have my Promissory Note for Angel's tuition fee be signed by their principal. Later, I will go to the main campus to have it signed by the finance head and get her examination permit. I don't how I will manage Mama, but hey! I've been through worst, right? I guess, I should just worry less and just continue to go on like there's no problem... or should I?

Anyway, Ralph has a girlfriend now. Well, I mean at least it's official. Unlike before when he's saying that he's still courting her. I am backing off from him now and let him make his own decisions. Of course, I will always be there to guide him if he needs it. For now, I just had to let him grow.

Edgar is stepping up, as far as house chore is concerned. I just hope he gets more responsible and realistic. Just like me, he likes to dream a lot... of things that are quite impossible, I must say. Anyway, he's growing up too. So I just let him be.

As for Angel... oh boy! Should I prepare myself, Mama? She's growing up so fast. I don't know how I would be able to let go of her. Little by little, I can feel that she's testing her independence. She's been asking permissions to go here... to go there... do something, or buy something. Sometimes, I allow her. Sometimes, I don't... but I rarely win, Mama.

Well, that's quite a mouthful. I hope I didn't bother you enough, just wanted to update you on the kids. Take care of yourself, Mama. I am really missing you.

I love you.

Daddy

Angel turns 14... silently

2012-01-09T15:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Angel turns 14 yesterday. It just passed silently as we didn't have any celebrations. I'm sorry I was not able to celebrate her special day, Mama. Well, I was able to cook for her. I do hope that this weekend, I will be able to take her out, and buy her something.

The kids will be having their exams again soon, Mama. You know what that means. Anyway, I really do not have anything good to say right now. Hmm... you know? You should have tasted my barbeque 'liempo' last night. Angel said it was good. But I'm sure, it will be better if you're the one who cooked it.

That will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

More dreams and opportunities... and hurdles

2012-01-04T15:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

It's another year, and I am having bigger dreams for 2012. I was told by my publisher just recently Mama that they are negotiating for my book REFLECTION to be sold in National Bookstore. Nothing's final yet, but they said there a possibility that it will happen. The only problem with that Mama, is that since they have a lot of branches, I will need to have many books printed and I do not have the funds to finance that much printing. It is a good chance, though. I wish I have the resources, I do not want such an opportunity to slip, Mama.

Of course I am also planning to publish more books this year, Mama. I want to have a Book 2 of my REFLECTION, a short story book, an inspirational book, and either a Kapampangan or Tagalog book. That would mean more funds requirement. Anyway, I can dream Mama, right? I only wish it won't just be a dream.

If only you're still here, Mama. I'm sure you can help me find a solution to these problems. Not only that, I wanted you to be there when it all happens... and then you'll be proud of me. I'm sorry I tarried, Mama.

I guess I bothered you enough for now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Happy new year, Mama!

2012-01-02T01:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Happy new year! I'm sorry. I know it's already the second day of the new year and my last letter to you was last Christmas. It's only now that I was able to have access to the Internet. Just like in previous New Year celebrations, I didn't really prepare for it. We did not have parties or anything, just a simple Medya Noche shared with the kids.

I was so proud of myself, Mama. I made macaroni salad for our Medya Noche, and it wasn't that bad. Actually, Angel gave it a thumbs up. I don't want to brag, Mama... but hey! It was really good! To think it was my first attempt and I even lacked some green ingredients. I know, you were guiding me then, Mama.

Meanwhile, Angel made desserts for us. She bought cupcakes and colorful candies, arranged them each in plates and they looked deliciously cute. I'm sure, you would be proud of your daughter, Mama.

Then, that was it. After eating and a little rest, the kids went to sleep. It was the simplest New Year celebration we had. I promise to make up for it next year. So, until my next letter. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Merry Christmas, Mama!

2011-12-24T18:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Merry Christmas! We had our Christmas party last night. Although I barely managed to pull through the depression I was going through, the kids enjoyed our simple celebration nonetheless. I wasn't able to write to you immediately after the party like what I used to do, because we still do not have internet at home. I had to wait for the morning to have access to the net.

Last night, I just followed our program for last year's Christmas party, Mama. The children did not complain. I just added a little variation. I asked them all to host one game each, which they did. They also gamely performed for the intermission, with Edgar and Ralph singing while Angel doing another dance number.

I hope you heard their messages, Mama. We really miss you. How I wish you're still with us. It would have been a happier party if you're still here. Again, I asked them to continue doing the Christmas party even when I'm gone and they already have their own family. It is our way of remembering you, Mama.

That will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. Merry Christmas, Mama! I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

2011-12-16T19:02:00.001-08:00

please help me, Mama...

Preparing for the Christmas Party

2011-12-13T15:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Christmas is almost here. While I am not really excited, I still have to prepare for it for the sake of the kids. Last Saturday, we already talked about our Christmas party. We also draw names for our exchange gifts. It took us about 5 attempts before we got it right, which means nobody got their own name.

We briefly discussed the games, Mama. They were the usual games, beginning of course with the longest sound, and guessing game which is the Pinoy Henyo. My main concern for our meeting then was to make them commit for an intermission number. The kids are older now, and I was afraid they might not want to perform anymore. Thanks goodness they all agreed to perform.

I'm still thinking about other games, Mama. One of my big problems, as usual, is the food for the Noche Buena. The kids all agreed with the tortilla chips and dips, like what we usually had. That was easy, Mama. I would do that, if I won't be able to come out with something special. But I really hope I can. I've been searching for recipes lately. I hope you can help me cook, Mama.

Well, I guess that's about it for now, Mama. See? We're still holding the Christmas party, Mama. I really hope nothing will happen that will make us break this tradition. It is our way of remembering you, Mama. Continuing this tradition that you started, and I'd like to thank you for this, Mama. Thank you very much.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Happy anniversary, Mama

2011-12-07T17:00:00.001-08:00

Dear Mama,

It's 1 a.m. and I am writing this letter at home so I can just upload it later in an internet café or when I have access to the net. Today would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, Mama. It could have been a very happy celebration, if only we are still together until this day.

Today, I just plan to hear mass and go to work. Maybe take the kids out later in the afternoon to celebrate the day. I intended to cook something, but was just too tired to think… too tired to continue, actually.

It doesn't make sense, Mama. Nothing makes sense! These occasional accolades are nothing compared to this perennial vacuum I've been trying so hard to fill. Why am I still here and you're there? Shouldn't I be with you instead?

You were the only one who have accepted me, not for my achievements… not for my so-called talents, but just because I am me… and because you loved me. But now… I don't know. I'm tired, Mama. Really, really tired.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be writing to you like this, especially on our anniversary. I just can't help it. I've been in pain too long, Mama and it's not that easy to hide all those things inside.

Used, abused, exploited, ridiculed, judged and condemned. Been all that… am still is. Why am so gullible, Mama?

I guess this letter has already gone wrong. I just wanted to greet you on our wedding anniversary. Sorry to spoil the occasion, Mama. Better end this now for I can no longer see through these things in my eyes.

Happy anniversary, Mama! Thank you for all those years. Thank you for making me feel, at least at some point in my life, I was really loved, accepted and appreciated… sincerely. Thank you, Mama.

Please take care of yourself, always. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

It was a simple celebration...

2011-11-29T16:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

We were able to celebrate your birthday last night. I cooked spaghetti again, as per suggestion of the kids. I wasn't able to cook the tempura, but I cooked baby potatoes in garlic and margarine and was able to prepare fruit salad for the kids. Ralph brought home a cake. Although it was already late when we started, Mama. Ralph came home at 8 in the evening and Edgar at 9 p.m.

It was simpler than last year, Mama. Ralph only had 1 visitor while Angel's visitors were not able to come. I did not invite anybody because I was not confident to offer my cooking to other people. Last year though, Nanay came, but last night, because it was already late, she was able to come. Happy birthday again, Mama. Thank you for all the love you have shown us.

On a sad note, I received news last night that Mam Aida Patawaran, our grade 6 teacher from Sta. Teresita passed away yesterday morning. My classmates went to the wake last night, I wasn't able to go with them because I have to be with the kids to celebrate your birthday. I'll try to go this Friday, Mama.

And another thing, Mama. I finally gave in to the call of my high school batchmates to call a meeting. They've been egging me for quite a while because the president and the vice-president are too busy to tend the flock. What's funny is that, I'm only a director and I was the last one to come in. I was just appointed to replace a director who passed away. Now, they all want me to lead. I don't know, I'm taking a leap of faith, Mama. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

That will be all for now, Mama. Happy birthday again. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Happy birthday, Mama!

2011-11-28T14:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Happy birthday! I'm excited because I'm going to cook again today to celebrate your birthday. The kids still want my spaghetti, I was really planning to cook a different meal but I can't think of anything. Good thing our children are not yet tired of seeing and eating my spaghetti.

Angel will no longer have a visitor, so the celebrations will be in the evening after Ralph and Edgar's schooling. How I wish you're still with us, Mama. It would have been a happier celebrations.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss.

Happy birthday, Mama! I love you.

Daddy

I don't know if it's better...

2011-11-24T15:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I am not sure if things got better. I'm referring to her, Mama. She finally talked to me, on her own terms, that is. She talks to me when she feels like it, and still avoid me or ignore me when she doesn't. No, I'm not expecting anything, Mama. I guess I should be happy with I have right now. Yes, maybe it's better, but honestly, it's more painful.

Anyway, about the TV, I won't be selling it anymore Mama. Angel doesn't want me to sell it. She told me what you used to say, "Don't sell or give away anything that was given as a gift." She also said that she needs to be updated with the news which is often discussed in their class. So I won't be selling it.

Your birthday's in a few days, Mama. I still don't know what to cook. The kids still want my spaghetti although they want me to cook tempura this time. And they have guests too, Angel and Ralph. I don't know about Edgar. This time, they won't be in at the same time, Angel will be in the afternoon while Ralph and Edgar will be in the evening. That means double the work for me. Oh well, I guess I should get used to it.

I've said a mouthful, until my next letter, Mama. Please take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

P.S. Will you talk to her? Please?

I really wish I can talk to you right now, Mama

2011-11-21T15:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Sorry, I haven't written for quite a while. I was just preoccupied and I was afraid that if I write, it would just be rants and whines again. It looks like I'm failing, Mama. As a father, and as a person. Everything I do seems to be wrong. I really wish you're listening, Mama. I really wish I can talk to you.

Anyway, maybe I can right more sensibly next time. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Can I sell the TV?

2011-11-15T15:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

It's examination time again. That means it's tuition fee time again. Right now, I am thinking of selling the color TV that TV5 gave me, Mama. I know you told me that anything that was given as a gift should never be given away or sold. Angel reminded me that when I asked her permission to sell the TV, Mama.

Of course, she didn't agree with my plan. She likes the TV. I mean, it's been more than 2 years since we had a television at home, and now she's happy that she gets to watch TV again. But there's nothing in the house that's worth selling aside from the TV, Mama. Anyway, it's just a plan. Maybe a last resort if things didn't go well.

Got to work now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Going out minus Ralph

2011-11-13T05:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Angel, Edgar and I went to the mall this afternoon minus Ralph because he was at work. Lately, he hasn't been able to join us in most of our walk. Ralph seems to be very busy lately. If it's not about work, it's about school, or sometimes he's with his friends. Looks like I no longer have a hold on him, Mama. I know that I should not stop him as it is part of his growing up, but I miss him going out with us, Mama.

Actually Mama, the reason why we went to the mall was because I want to keep my mind preoccupied. I've been down lately, Mama. I can't think well. Yes, I can work. I have to. But every so often, I have to stop and think. I can't concentrate, Mama. Yes, it's still about her. She's still not talking to me, she avoids me like I'm a criminal or something, and it's hurting me so bad. I haven't done anything wrong, Mama.

I'm sorry. What am I talking about. I promise, Mama. I will still take good care of the kids, in spite of what I'm going through. I'm still writing you from the internet cafe, Mama. We still don't have internet connection at home. Anyway, we're still planning about your upcoming birthday and I hope I can cook something good for the kids.

I will have to stop for a while, Mama. Please take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

I need you to hold my hand....

2011-11-08T15:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Everyday it's getting harder here at work... and it doesn't even have anything to do with my job. I really wish I could hold your hand right now, Mama. I'm struggling everyday.

Daddy

Angel has started to open up

2011-11-07T23:11:00.001-08:00

Dear Mama,

Yesterday, Angel and I had a sort of little bonding time. After working, I went to Sta. Teresita to pick her up and then we went to Marquee Mall. It was something really unplanned but it turned out quite special, Mama. Angel has started to open up. She said that there are many in her school who has a crush on her and some were even asking if they could court her. She said she replied NO to them.

All throughout, I was smiling, because she finally felt comfortable telling me these kind of things. While I am not really comfortable with this topic when she is involved, at least it would prepare me, and that she trust me enough to tell me these kind of things, Mama.

I guess it helped that I was also being open to her too. You know that girl I was telling you about in my previous letters? I also told Angel about her, Mama. Was she so inquisitive! She was asking a lot of questions, and she was giving me some sort of advice too. Anyway, I think the girl is a lost cause. I think she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me… unless you want to help me, Mama.

By the way, I talked to the kids yesterday about your upcoming birthday. Angel wants a dish that has shrimp, and Ralph suggested tempura. Oh boy! Can I do that? I guess, since I asked, I am obliged to comply. I’ll try my best, Mama. Also, they still want my spaghetti… and Angel said she would like to invite her best friend on your birthday, which by the way Mama, is a boy.

Anyway, I think I wrote quite a long letter. I guess there was just too much to say this time. Thank you very much for being patient, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

2011-11-06T19:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

The story has been shown and so far all I hear are positive feedback, thanks goodness! Anyway, everything seems to be back to normal, Mama. There's not much hype, which I really like so I can live and move on normally.

Right now Mama, I'm at work and so is Ralph. Edgar went to help his former classmate design a float and Angel is in Sta. Teresita because she doesn't want to be alone at home. It just occurred to me how grown up our kids have become, Mama. We are all at different places right now. It used to be that, wherever I am, they will also be there. Now, it's a different story. They're growing up so fast, Mama. I hope I can grow and adapt as fast as they do.

By the way, it will be your birthday soon. What would you like to do this year, Mama? Should I cook again my now-famous "super-meaty" spaghetti? hahaha... I should learn how to adjust my sauce, Mama. It's like a meat with sauce added. Or maybe, I should cook a different food this year, what do you think, Mama? But what else can I cook? I have to really think hard about it, so we can make your birthday this year special. I think I should discuss this with the kids tonight over dinner, Mama.

Need to get back to work now, Mama. Take care of yourself now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Today's the day

2011-11-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Today is judgement day. They will be featuring our story tonight on TV5, Mama, and again I'm anxious. Because we don't know what reactions I will get after this. But then again, like before, maybe it's just for a few days. After that, the hype will die down and everything will be back to normal.

What's funny, Mama is that during my interview with Miss Cristy Fermin, she asked me that if I do meet a girl that would make me feel something, would I also tell it to you? I just recalled now that I just did that in my previous letter. Coincidence? I don't know. I wasn't even thinking about the show when I wrote my last letter. You know, I just felt the need to tell you that and I'm not sure where it would lead me or what will happen next.

Anyway, last night Mama, me and the kids went out to eat dinner at a nearby fastfood. We haven't done it for some months now. I was somewhat "forced" to take them out because it was too late and was too tired to cook or even think of what to cook. But the additional expense was worth it, Mama. The change in environment did us some good. We were able to eat well, shared some jokes and stuff.

Still in the internet cafe right now, Mama. Will be logging off in a minute to go to work. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

As I was saying...

2011-11-03T06:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I don't know why I am continuing with where I left off in my last letter. But I do feel the need to tell you, Mama... and maybe you can help me. It's about the girl, I'm sure you're seeing it. I don't know why she has bothered me this much. Can't seem to shake her off my head, in spite of all the problems I am facing right now.

She's in pain right now. Just broke up with her boyfriend. Could have been a perfect timing for me, right Mama? Unfortunately, there's that "not yet ready" line again. One thing going for me is that, at least she still talk to me once in a while. Well, as long as it's work related.

Will you talk to her? Tell her that I only mean well and I only have the honest intentions. I'm not really after anything other than help her ease her pain. But she won't give me the chance, Mama.

Oh, what am I saying?! I'm sorry, Mama. I'm talking nonsense, I think. Anyway, Ralph was able to enroll this morning. At least none of them will stop this semester. Hope I'll find a permanent solution to this problem. Anyway, that will be all for now, Mama. I'm still writing you from the Internet Cafe. Will be logging off and go home in a while.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Will you talk to her?

2011-11-02T06:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I was finally able to raise the funds for Ralph's enrollment, our back accounts for last semester and the entrance fee for this semester. He would be able to enroll tomorrow, thanks God! It was worth all the humiliation I have to go through, just to make sure our kids won't stop going to school, especially Ralph since he is graduating this semester.

Remember in my last letter, Mama? I was about to tell you something about a girl... well, I don't know. It's crazy, I know and I'm not even sure if I have to tell you about this, but I don't want to keep secrets from you, Mama. Of course, you know what I'm talking about, Mama.

The problem is, Mama, I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm confused. I don't know. I'm not sure what to do next, she has not been talking to me lately, when all wanted to do was to help her. Oh, I'm going in circles, Mama. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I need to gather my thoughts. Will tell you more about her next time, Mama. Until then, please take of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

At work today

2011-10-31T17:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Today is November 1 and I am at here at work right now. You know how it is at the hospital, Mama, there are no holidays. Actually, I was not the one who should be on duty now, but the one who was supposed to work today said he cannot report for work today. So, I volunteered that we swap schedules. I can always go to the cemetery after work, anyway.

Nanay came back home from Canada yesterday. I thought Ate Let would be coming home with her, but she didn't. Anyway, I'm glad Nanay's back home, Mama. I hope she enjoyed her much needed vacation.

Ralph's last day of enrollment would be on November 3, and I am still short of money. Hopefully, I will find additional funds before that day. Anyway, there's been something I'm been meaning to tell you, Mama. It's about a girl... but maybe, I'll just tell you on my next letter. I'm sure you already have an idea.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

I was able to enroll Edgar

2011-10-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I was able to enroll Edgar for the second semester, albeit it's only the entrance fee I paid. At least he can continue going to school and I have more time to look for money for succeeding payments. It was fortunate that an angel helped us. I guess it is still because of the good seeds that you planted while you were still here, Mama. Thank you. As for Ralph, I'm still looking to borrow funds to complete the payments required for him. Hopefully, I would be able to find one before the second semester starts.

Angel right now is still in school. It's already past 9 in the evening, Mama. They are having some celebrations there after their second periodic exam and intramural. I hope she is enjoying herself. I will be picking her up in a while, Mama.

That will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Dady

Ralph and Edgar might stop

2011-10-23T15:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Today is Ralph and Edgar's enrollment for the 2nd semester, unfortunately I do not have the money to pay for their tuition fees, especially Ralph's back account. I told them that they might stop their schooling for a while. I honestly don't know how it would affect them. I know it's a wrong decision because Ralph is graduating this second semester, but there's nothing I can do right now Mama.

I never thought I could reach this low.

I'm sorry, Mama.

Daddy

Someone actually listened!

2011-10-22T00:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I was surprised this morning while I was waiting for Angel at SM Clark. You knew today was the UN Day parade, right? And she was Miss Korea. I walking to and from, looking for a place to wait for her near the stage, when I noticed a woman, who I later learned was a teacher, and her student pointing at me.

They approached me and asked me if they can have their pictures taken with me, Mama. I was surprised. Of course, I'm just a nobody, Mama. Why would anyone want to have their pictures taken with a simpleton like me? Apparently, their school was present during the awarding of the inter-school short story writing contest last August, Mama. The student was one of the finalist.

If you remember, I was the guest speaker during that event. The teacher said she was inspired by my talk, and that she is planning to publish her own book someday too. It was the first affirmation I received since that talk, Mama, and it came from nobody I never knew. It felt good that someone was actually listening to me then, Mama... that somehow, I was able to inspire others.

For all the depressions and anxieties I've been experiencing lately, Mama, I could really use a "lift-upper" like that. At least it gives me an impression that I am not totally pathetic after all. I hope I'm making you proud, Mama. If only you were here, and as I tell you this in person, I'm sure I'm going to get a hug from you. I really could use a hug right now, Mama.

Oh well, I'm just bragging here, just to boost my ego. I'm sure it will deflate again soon. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you. I really do, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Thank you, Mama

2011-10-19T04:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Thank you very much for helping me take care of Angel. She feels better now, Mama. I just hope that this time, she's really well. She said she will go to school tomorrow, although I was asking her to rest. We will just see tomorrow morning if she is okay to go, Mama.

Thanks again, Mama. I couldn't have done it without your help, Mama.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

About Angel

2011-10-19T00:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Mama,

I filed a half-day leave today because Angel is sick. The school texted me this morning and asked me to pick her up, and she was in the clinic because of headache and stomach pains. Good thing Edgar is on sem-break so I called him to pick Angel up from school, after which I filed my leave for the afternoon.

And while I was waiting for the first half of the day to be over, I was very nervous. I can't even think well. I was very much worried about Angel. I can't shake the thought of dengue off my mind, especially because there are lots of cases in the hospital. Before I left the hospital to go home, I passed by the chapel to say a prayer, Mama. I just hope He heard me.

Angel seems to be fine now, Mama. Although I still can't shake the anxiety. I don't know. She still complains of a stubborn stomach ache. Please help me take care of her, Mama. I would like to take her to the doctor, but payday's too far away, and we don't have money now. I am still not qualified to avail of the privileges in the hospital because I am still under probation.

She will also be on a costume parade on Saturday, Mama. Hopes she gets well in time, so she can join. Her costume has already been taken care of by a friend, and we will pick it up on Friday. By the way, the TV show that I told you in previous letters also gave Angel a college scholarship, Mama. While I do not complain, I cannot really appreciate it right now. She is still in first year high school, and I don't know if I can manage to help her make it through high school. Just being honest, Mama. Of course, I will do my best.

I've said quite a mouthful and have disturbed you so much. So I'll end my letter here, Mama… for the meantime. Do take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Enrollment again?!

2011-10-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I've barely breathed and last night, Ralph and Edgar told me that their enrollment would be on Monday already! All I was able to reply to them was, "Okay" although I know it's not okay. What am I to do, Mama? I haven't even paid Ralph's tuition fee for the first semester, and now he's already on another enrollment... and he's graduating this school year! Edgar too, is expecting to be enrolled!

I'm sorry, Mama. I know I shouldn't be bothering you with problems like this. But I was just wondering, since you are there with the Big Guy, maybe you can tell Him, "Hey! Why don't You help my man down there? He needs it, for the sake of our kids!"

Just kidding, Mama. You know how I humor myself in times like this, though I honestly need a miracle right now. Not really sure if I can pull this one out. By the way, Angel did not go to school today. She's not feeling well. I just let her rest, because their test is already finished anyway. She needs to prepare for their intrams, the UN Day parade on Saturday, and the battle of the bands she'll be joining. Take care of her while I'm at work, Mama.

Well, that's about it. I have bothered you again, and thank you for always listening. It would be nice to hear you reply, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Apprehensions again... like I never learn, Mama

2011-10-16T01:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I feel nervous and anxious again over a decision I made recently. Not sure if it is a right decision or not. It's like I never really learned, Mama. Of course, you know I'm talking about the TV show to which I said yes, like what I told you before. It will be shown in about two week's time. But unlike before where it just was a pure magazine-type presentation, now it's a full-blown dramatization of our life. I don't know if I made the right decision. I feel an axe hanging over my head, Mama.

But what's more shameful to admit, Mama, is that the main motivation for me to say yes was financial. You know it's already finals and I don't know where to run to pay for the kids' tuition fees. It was just fortunate that the offer came at the most opportune time. While it didn't really solve all problems, at least I was able to pay for Edgar's tuition fee. Now, all I have to think of is Angel's and Ralph's, and all I can hope for is a miracle.

To think and justify that the story might bring inspiration to others would be a complete hypocrisy on my part. You know I never saw it that way, Mama.Because I know we had an ordinary life, as ordinary as everybody else's, struggled like everybody did, and was defeated like others too. My only consolation is that, at least you are now at rest and no longer suffer from pain.

It's a story that happens to everybody, right Mama? Maybe it would have a different plot to others, but the main storyline would be there - pain, conflict, struggle, survival, defeat, denial, acceptance, and more conflicts... until the mind, body and soul and gets tired and give up to even be concerned.

What am I saying? I'm talking gibberish again, Mama.. This is how I am when I am nervous. I'm sure you remember that, Mama. If only I could hold your hands right now... embrace you tight... this anxiety would somehow be lessened.

Sorry Mama, I'm starting it again. Better stop now before this tone leads to something melodramatic. Please do take care of yourself, Mama. Looking forward to being with you soon. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Angel's costume and a new "assignment"

2011-10-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

First, I want to tell you that I have already solved my problem for Angel's costume. A friend has offered to sponsor her dress and now all we have to do is pick it up from the rental store. I guess all the good deeds you've planted are still bearing fruits, Mama. Thank you.

Second, our hospital chaplain just talked to me a while ago, Mama. He is offering me a new "assignment" in the hospital. He asked me if I wanted to be an EMDC. I didn't know what to say, Mama. I'm not sure if I am still fitted or qualified to help the priest in the distribution of the Holy Communion. It looks like I still cannot run from church duties until this day, Mama.

The kids are still having their tests. Edgar is already fully paid, Angel is on promissory note, while Ralph is relying on the good nature of his teachers to allow him to take the finals without permit. I still hope I can find a little miracle somewhere, Mama. Soon, it will be enrollment again for the second semester.

Oh well, better stop now before I start whining again. Take care of yourself, Mama.

I really miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Did you really tell Angel that?

2011-10-11T16:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

The other night, Angel and I were talking. We were talking about the letters and cards I used to send you when we were still young. She told me that you told her that I was "corny" then... and she was smiling. I was surprised, not because you told her, but because she has the guts to tell me.

I didn't know how to react, all I ever said was, "Did she really tell you that?" Of course, I'm not mad, Mama. I'm sure you told her of our past. After all she was always by your side then. Now, Angel wants me to show to her the letters and cards I sent you, to which I said "never." But knowing her, I know she won't give up, and would always ask me in the days to come.

Oh well, that's just about it, Mama. Just want to tell you about a recent conversation with our baby. By the way, she'll be joining the U.N. celebration in their school, and she will be Miss Korea. Now, I have to look for her costume, because it will be held at SM Clark. Of course, I do not want her to look bad on that day, right? I hope I can pull this out.

That will all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Can I be with you?

2011-10-08T03:48:00.001-07:00

Dear Mama,

Can I be with you now?

Please?

Daddy

Happy Teacher's Day, Mama!

2011-10-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Remember when I used to tell you that I will print a t-shirt that says "Teachers Have Class" and you would always smile. Perhaps because you saw the sincerity and the humor in the statement. Because of you, I have greater respect for teachers, Mama. I saw how you worked. That each time you finished computing for the grades, we would always find ourselves in the hospital because you would get sick.

Today is teacher's day again, and I just want to greet you Happy Teacher's Day, Mama. You were a very dedicated teacher, just as you were a very loving mother. You treated your students like they were your real children. I'm sure many can attest to that, and I can feel that right now, just like me, your students also miss you, Mama. But I'm sure they still remember what you taught them. I'm proud of you, Mama.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I love you.

I miss you.

|Daddy

Nanay is going away again...

2011-09-30T05:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Nanay is going away again. She'll be leaving for Canada next week with Dang Itang. I know she needed the vacation. She deserves it. Now, there's no one I can run to when I have a problem. I'm not being selfish, Mama, there's nothing going really well for me lately. And now, she has to go.

First semester is almost over, Mama. The boys will be having their finals in two weeks time, while Angel will having their second periodical test too. You know that means payment time again, Mama. Right now, I still don't know where to find funds. I hope I'll be able to find a solution.

Sorry for bothering you with my problems, Mama. By the way, I said yes to the show, and I'm sure you know why. It's the means that came my way lately.

Will end my letter now, Mama. I'm still at the internet cafe. I still do not have internet at home. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Angel no longer need an Egyptian costume

2011-09-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I was saddened by Angel's news last night. She said she no longer need an Egyptian costume. Honestly, I felt quite relieved because that will be one less worry for me, but when she told me why, it made me sad. She said they choose another classmate to be their representative for the United Nations' day. Just a week ago, she said she wanted to join. I saw sadness in her eyes. But she tried to explain to me that there were many in their class they have to choose from, and she wasn't the only one who was "not chosen." She could have made a beautiful Egyptian queen, Mama. Don't you agree? Oh well, another failure for me. I'm sorry, Mama.

Ralph is in Ilocos right now, for a weekend seminar. I didn't give him money to pay for the trip nor allowance, because I don't have any to give him. I don't how he managed to raise funds. He said he sold tickets, Mama. Edgar, on the other hand, is busy in his extra-curricular activities. Last night, they joined a choral competition, although they didn't get any place. But I think he is enjoying, Mama. I don't hear him complaining.

That will be all for now, Mama. Please take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Angel needs an Egyptian costume

2011-09-18T16:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I am having another dilemma, Angel needs an Egyptian costume! It will be United Nations Month on October and she will be wearing an Egyptian dress. I know, maybe there are available ready-made costumes out there, Mama. But I remembered that you never bough anything. You always came up with something when Angel needed a costume before, Mama which always made her unique from others.

I hope you can help me come out with something, Mama. I really wish you're here right now. I'm sorry, here I go again... anyway, do take care of yourself, Mama. Will work now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Ralph turns 19 today

2011-09-13T16:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Our son Ralph turns 19 today. Of course, I know you did not forget that. Unlike previous birthdays though, there won't be any celebrations nor gifts for Ralph this year. Not even a trip to the fastfood. It makes me sad, Mama. The only consolation I got is that we have very understanding kids who aren't really expecting much. All because you taught them well, Mama.

That will be all for now, Mama. Will be going to work now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

A decision I don't want to do...

2011-09-13T02:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry if I'm going to burden you with problems again. I just don't know where to go, Mama. The first semester is almost finished. Ralph and Edgar's final examination will be next month. Yet, they are still on promissory notes, and so is Angel. And honestly, I really do not have any windfall to expect.

The thought of them stopping their schooling has been entering my mind lately, Mama. I cannot send them to school anymore. Not even now that I have a job. I didn't know what happened what it has reached this far. I'm really sorry, Mama. I have failed you. If only miracles are real.

Right now, Angel is sick. I am still at the office, Mama. Ralph texted me this afternoon and told me that she was sent home by her teacher. I hope it's not serious. Help me make her well, Mama. She needs your touch.

I will be logging off, Mama. Will be going home in a while. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

P.S. I'm really sorry, Mama.

Not feeling well...

2011-09-11T04:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I'm not feeling well since yesterday... or was it the other day? I can't remember, Mama. I just know I don't feel well. I'm not sure if it's real or psychological because of the stress and anxiety I'm suffering lately.

I really could use your hug right now, Mama.

I need you now, Mama.

Daddy

Another TV offer

2011-09-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I'm sure you know by now, I have another TV offer for my letters to you. I still don't know what to say. I'm not sure, Mama... I don't want to go through the anxiety I went through 3 years ago.

Please help me decide, Mama. I hope you can visit me in my dreams tonight.

Take care of yourself, Mama.

I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Hi

2011-09-07T16:51:00.001-07:00

Dear Mama,

I just want to say hello. I'm sorry for not writing lately... got too much on my plate. I wish you were here, Mama.

Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

2011-08-28T01:29:00.001-07:00

Dear Mama,

Here I am again, back at the internet cafe. I really don't have much to say today, Mama... but I do want to talk to you. I wish I could, Mama.. I really need to talk to you.

I'm getting tired, Mama... I need you.

Daddy

My first talk went well... I guess

2011-08-26T19:39:00.001-07:00

Dear Mama,

I just had my first talk as a writer, and everything went well. I was nervous, but I was able to survive it nonetheless. I do hope you were watching me, Mama and I hope you were proud of me.

I really don’t know what will happen next. I guess it would all depend on the impression that I made with my speech this evening at the event.

Anyway, things are fine around here, Mama. I just wanted to tell you about my talk. Please take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

New grandson

2011-08-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

We have a new grandson! Louie's wife, May, gave birth yesterday morning to a baby boy! I saw Louie yesterday afternoon at AUFMC, and he told me the good news. I will take Angel this afternoon there to see her new nephew. She is taking her periodical test right now.

On Wednesday, it will be Ma's birthday. I haven't forgotten, Mama. I'm not sure though if we can go there because of my work and the children's schooling. Anyway, I'll see if we can arrange our schedules.

Ralph is in Baguio right now for his field trip. They went there yesterday, he'll be home this evening. Edgar, on the other hand is preparing to go to school when I left him at home (I'm at an internet cafe now, Mama).

As for me, still adjusting with my work. On Friday next week, it will be my talk at SM Clark. I hope I can prepare my piece this afternoon.

That will be all for now, Mama. Please take care of yourself.

I miss you, Mama. I love you.

Daddy

I am not strong, Mama

2011-08-13T23:10:00.001-07:00

Dear Mama,

How are you? I know I haven’t been writing as often as I used to do, Mama. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t blame it on the disconnected internet connection at home, I admit it has nothing to do with that. It’s just that oftentimes, every time I attempt to write you a letter, I can’t think of anything without whining… complaining… and saying how I miss you and how much I wish you were here.

There were even times when I think about stopping writing all these letters for good. It’s not because I don’t want to talk to you or think of you anymore. It’s just that I am not even sure if I am still making sense, and sometimes, I even think that my letters are disturbing you when you should be resting.

I don’t know, Mama. I still haven’t gotten used to it really… being alone, I mean. There are times that I wish I can really talk to you… about a lot of things, about what’s happening to me and the kids, and hear your thoughts about it. There are times when I only wish you were here, just so I could hold your hand and embrace you.

I am not strong, Mama. I’m tired of faking it. Trying to fool everyone, especially myself, that I am in control and I can take care of things. To be honest, things have gone worse and the hurdles are getting taller while I get weaker.

Things have never been the same around here, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

It's been a while

2011-07-31T13:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

It's been a while since my last letter,I'm sorry about that. But it doesn't mean I think of you less, Mama. I'm sure you know that. I was just too preoccupied with many things lately, and every time I do find the time to write, I really can't think of anything to say... where I won't be whining.

It's really been very difficult lately, Mama. Trying to make both ends meet, trying so hard to prove myself, trying to maintain sanity... trying to show that I am still in control. Thus far, I'm still alive, thanks heavens.

The kids are fine, Mama. Angel seems to be very active in school. Well, she has always been actually. Edgar also is enjoying his college life. Ralph, on the other hand, seems to be spreading himself too thin in a lot of activities lately. I hope he learns to manage his time.

Anyway, that will be all for now, Mama. Do not want to burden you with my whining. So, I'll stop before I get to start that. Take care of yourself, Mama. I really, really miss you. I hope to see you soon, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

I'm failing....

2011-07-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I'm really failing in raising the kids. I don't why they seem to quarrel more often lately. It's like they can't get along very well, Mama. They would quarrel at the slightest provocation.

I'm sorry, Mama. I'm trying everything to remind them of what you taught them and how we always want them to love each other.

I'm trying my best, Mama. Help me please... if only you were here.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you

Daddy

I raised my voice again

2011-07-09T05:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I raised my voice again, I'm sorry. I'm doing it more often lately, Mama. I'm so mad at myself.

Why can't I raise the kids well, Mama? I really am not doing good in guiding them. I don't know what I'll do. I do not want to be always angry, Mama.

I'm really sorry, Mama.

I passed and now I'm working

2011-07-03T08:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

My final interview didn't really go well, but still I was given a chance to prove myself and I was taken in under probation. I started last Friday, Mama. I just hope I will be able to perform my job well and deliver the results required of me so that I will become permanent.

That's all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Judgment day tomorrow

2011-06-29T05:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Tomorrow's the judgment day. It will be my final interview tomorrow at the AUF hospital, Mama. It will be the president who will interview me. I do hope I get to his good side so I would be hired. I don't see any money coming soon and online income went down, especially since my employer terminated my services abruptly.

Now, I really need a regular income, Mama. I know it would cut my blogging time. I will just write during my free time. Hopefully, this time I will stay for good, Mama. The kids are growing up, and I need a permanent job so I can save for their future.

Anyway, that will be all for now, Mama. Wish me luck tomorrow. Take care of yourself, Mama.

I love you and I miss you.

Daddy

Just some update

2011-06-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Sorry for missing out on writing you for a long time, I was just waiting for some good news to tell so as not to burden you with my whining.

There aren't any really good news, so far Mama. After my book launching, everything went in "slow motion," it's like nothing happened and everything went back to normal. I even got my internet disconnected again, Mama. I had to use the money I saved for the kids to pay for it, and buy their books and uniforms too.

But there is hope, Mama. I'm just waiting for a call for my final interview at the AUF hospital. I already had two interviews and I passed them both. Now, I'm waiting to be interviewed by their president. I hope I'll do good and get the job.

I hope that this time I could stay, Mama. It's a non-accounting job, although it entails a big responsibility. I just wish I could be tough enough to assume the role of an administrative officer. I may not get a high salary as I used to, Mama, but at least I could get benefits that we badly need like hospitalization.

Oh well, I won't burdened you enough, Mama. I have to stop here. The kids are fine and they're taking their schooling seriously. Take care of yourself, Mama. I love you.

I miss you, Mama.

Daddy

Back at the internet cafe

2011-06-07T22:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I am back at the internet cafe again. Our internet connection was cut-off again, Mama. So, right now we do not have an internet at home. I wasn't able to pay because I bought Angel's books and uniforms first. I also bought additional uniform for Edgar.

Right now, I'm depleted and I do not see any more money coming to us. I just hope that interview with AUF would result to something positive, Mama. So I would have a regular income.

That would be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself.

I love you, Mama. I miss you.

Daddy

Everything went well

2011-05-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

The book launching just went well. I'm so happy, Mama. Although there weren't much attendees, I mean not many people came, still I am happy at the outcome. Even the mayor stayed during the book launching program. He even bought a book, Mama.

I only wished you were there and saw me, Mama. You could have been proud of me. I really missed you last night.

Thank you for praying for me to get through the book launching. Take care of yourself, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

One more day....

2011-05-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

One more day to go, and tomorrow's the big day. I'm still not prepared, Mama. I don't even know how to prepare. I really wish you're here right now. Of course, I understand why you can't be here, Mama. I just hope that you're smiling everytime you look down, and be proud of me.

I really miss you, Mama. Take care.

I love you.

Daddy

This is all for you, Mama

2011-05-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

It's only a few days before the book launching. I'm still hesitant... anxious... afraid... but I'm going through it, Mama. I hope that I am making you proud me, Mama. I hope that on Friday, you will look down on me and smile.

I'm sorry this all came too late, Mama, but this is all for you.

I love you, Mama. Thank for everything.

I miss you.

Daddy

Happy anniversary, Mama!

2011-05-19T04:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Happy anniversary! Yes, Mama. I still haven't forget the date when you gave me a chance and became your boyfriend. I knew you were unsure of your decision then, but I hope that through the passing time I have proven myself worthy of your love and trust.

Maybe it's true, you're no longer here with me, but it doesn't mean I will forget this day, Mama. I won't. Never will. This day is as important to me as the day of our wedding. It's our 25th year today, Mama.

Happy anniversary, Mama! I love you very much.

Daddy

Mama, I'm nervous

2011-05-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I'm really nervous and really very anxious these past few days. The book launching is only 3 weeks away, Mama. I still don't have enough resources, I don't have a reviewer yet, and I still don't know what to do.

I'm thankful that some of my friends are helping me in the preparation, I still feel uneasy though. I wish you're here, Mama. You could have helped me. I'm sure you would know what to do.

I miss you, Mama. I need you.

Daddy

p.s. I love you, Mama.

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-07T04:34:00.001-07:00

Dear Mama,

It's another Mother's Day without you by our side. I really miss you, Mama.

Happy Mother's Day, Mama. Take care of yourself.

I love you.

Daddy

Should I still have a book launching, Mama?

2011-04-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

My birthday's almost here, that means the book will be out soon, but I still don't have the resources for the book launch. I have already moved the formal book launching to a later date, Mama. I am still not sure if it will push through. I am even not sure if I wanted to have one.

You know there would be lots of skeptics who will say, "Who's that?!" I don't even know if I even deserve to have a book launching. Things are really difficult when you're alone. If only you were here...

I'm sorry, Mama. I just feel so nervous and anxious. I don't know what to do. I really wish you're here, Mama. I need you.

Daddy

p.s. I love you, Mama... and I miss you so much.

Happy Easter Mama

2011-04-23T16:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I just want to greet you Happy Easter. The kids are still sleeping and I'm working (again) on my blogs.

I miss you, Mama. Take care of yourself.

I love you.

Daddy

P.S. I really hope I will be with you soon.

Visita Iglesia with the kids

2011-04-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Just arrived home a few minutes ago from Visita Iglesia with the kids. It's our fourth year, I hope we can continue doing this in the years to come. In times like this, I really wish you're still with us, Mama. It would have been a more meaningful Visita Iglesia if you're here. Sorry Mama, can't help it.

Please take care of yourself, Mama. I'll just stop my letter here, lest I start whining again. I really miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Sorry for not writing, Mama

2011-04-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I'm really sorry for not writing for quite a while. I wasn't intentional. You know we were very busy these past few days about our grade school reunion, accompanying our balikbayan friends around town and also I was busy thinking about my book. And when I got the opportunity to log in to my computer, I would write articles to make up for the lost time because I needed to raise money. I'm really sorry, Mama. I hope you understand.

The reunion went well. I would say it was successful. Our teachers were very happy to see their former students and it was also an opportunity for them to reunite with their former colleagues. Sure glad it went well, Mama.

Now, I only need to worry about my book. I still do not have a place for the planned book launching nor the money to pay for the event. I am even thinking about not pushing through with the book launch. I do not know how to ask for sponsors because I don't know what to offer them. Oh well...

It's the kids summer vacation, and soon it will be enrollment again. Another concern for me. I guess that would be for another letter. I have burdened you enough.

Please take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Angel is sick, please take care of her

2011-04-03T17:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Please take care of Angel. She is sick again. She has fever. I need to go to school for Edgar, he is asking me to go to school today after their baccalaureate mass. Tomorrow's his graduation, I hope Angel's okay tomorrow so she can come with us.

I'll be leaving Angel's in Ralph's care. Please take care of her, Mama. I'm sorry that I have to leave her.

Daddy

I survived my talk

2011-04-02T05:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I hope you were watching this morning. I survived my first talk in front of a crowd! I'm glad it went well, Mama. So far, I got positive feedback. I hope you're proud of me, Mama.

But I'm sure glad it was over. I can't tell how much anxiety I felt days before today's event, Mama. I don't know why I volunteered, but I'm sure glad it went just fine.

That's all I want to say, Mama. I survived my talk in iBlog7, and I'm really happy I did.

By the way, I brought the kids along, and it seems they enjoyed the event too.

Take care of yourself, Mama.

I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Birthday and graduation just passed us by....

2011-03-31T09:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

Just like that, Edgar's birthday and Angel's graduation just passed us by. We never had any celebrations, Mama. I just took the kids out for dinner. I wasn't able to buy them any gifts. I hope they understand.

That's all for now, Mama. I'm sure if you were only here, you would have cooked something for them.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Not really problems...

2011-03-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

You know it will be Angel's graduation two days from now. I know I should be happy and proud for her, I am Mama, honestly. Still, I can't help but be sad and feel sorry for her... who would prepare her for her graduation, Mama? I don't know where to take her and I don't have anyone here who can help me. I don't know who to ask, Mama. I'm sorry, I know that should not be a problem. Still, it is to me somehow.

And it's Edgar's 16th birthday tomorrow too. I've already talked to him and said we won't be able to to celebrate his birthday because it will be the day before Angel's birthday. He understands, Mama. I can't help but feel guilty, though. But there's nothing I can do. After a week, it will be his graduation too.

About Ralph, I don't know if I should be really worried about him, Mama. He seems to be getting very irresponsible lately. Maybe it's my fault, I don't know how to guide him. He would always forget about his brother and sister everytime he's with his classmates. He can't say no to them, even if we already talked about it. Everytime I try to tell him, he would be upset, and sometimes even be angry. What should I do, Mama?

Sorry to bother you with all of these, Mama. I really wish you're here. All of these would be much easier if you're still with us. Anyway, I know you are resting now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Cramming now...

2011-03-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

I'm cramming now. Literally. Angel's graduation is fast approaching, Edgar's birthday too. And after that, it will be Edgar's graduation again... and soon enrollment. I really do not how I can pull this one out, Mama. But I am doing my best, working double time on my writing chores, even if I know that it won't even be half of what I need. Maybe something good will happen, Mama. I don't know.

Aside from that, I'm also cramming on my talk on iBlog7. I don't knoq why I volunteered for that. I am not sure if I can do that. I hope I can. All I know is that I have something I want to share. Pray that I can deliver my topic well, Mama.

And the book too, it will be out soon and I haven't been to go around looking for sponsors on my book launch. I don't know how to ask and what to offer. I hope I can find some miracles for all of these, Mama. I wish you were here, I hope you're proud of me.

Take care now, Mama. I really miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Sickness time again?

2011-03-21T10:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Mama,

Last night I was sick. I think I had the flu because I was too weak. But this morning, Angel was sick too. She wasn't able to go to school. And when Edgar came home in the afternoon, he was not feeling well too. I hope it's not sickness time again, Mama. They will be graduating soon, they cannot be sick. I don't want them to miss an important part of their life.

I feel better now, Angel too. But Edgar seems to be not well yet. I hope he feels better when he wakes up in the morning. Make him well, Mama.

That will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Excited and anxious... and really wishing you were here and be proud of me...

2011-03-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Mama,

You know my book is coming out. You also know that I will be giving a talk next month, Mama. And a lot of other things to do... and another one that will be coming soon. I just do not know if it will happen or not.

But through all these Mama, at the back of my mind is the question, "Why are all of these happening now when you're no longer here?"

You could have been proud of me, Mama. You could have been...

I just hope that you are, Mama. Everytime you look down on me, I hope I make you smile and proud.

Take care of yourself, Mama.

I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Nothing to say...

2011-03-14T09:46:00.001-07:00

Dear Mama,

I really have nothing to say... I just want to feel your embrace...

I miss you, Mama.

I love you

Daddy

Edgar and Angel's entrance exams

2011-03-11T21:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I just want to tell you that Edgar and Angel both took their entrance exam today for college and high school in AUF. Angel also had her interview today while Edgar will have his on Tuesday, March 15. Their results are not yet released though. Edgar's test result will be known on March 28 and it will be April 6 for Angel. I'm hoping they will pass their respective test, and hopefully, I would be able to raise the funds for their tuition fees.

I also would like to tell you Mama, that I have decided to continue with the publishing of my REFLECTION book. I am still not sure if it's a good decision or not, Mama. I just hope that others would appreciate my work and I won't be ridiculed.

That will be all for now, Mama. Please take care of yourself. Don't worry about the kids, I promise to take good care of them.

I miss you, Mama. I love you.

Daddy

Still waiting for a call...

2011-03-09T18:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I'm sure you already know that I had a job interview last Monday. What's special about this job is that the position was that of a writer. Yes Mama, I finally found a possible job that is within my area of interest. Unfortunately though, after 3 days, I still haven't received any call for a final interview. I really do not know if I should still wait or not.

Anyway, there's nothing I have to do. I'm just here at home, trying to write, thinking about the book and preparing for my talk. I could have done all these better if only you were still here. I surely could use an inspiration right now, Mama. I really needed a push... wish you were here.

Take care, Mama. Need to end my letter. I hope I could be with you soon. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Nanay's birthday and my book...

2011-03-02T08:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Yesterday we went to Nanay's house. It was her birthday and we had our lunch there. I am thankful that she is still strong, and I pray she stays that way, Mama.

I am almost finished with my book. I just have to organize the poems and add some more pages. Thus far, the only lacking page (I think) is my self-introductory page. Since this is my first book and nobody knows me. I need to finish the book and submit the manuscript by Friday, Mama. After that, I need a really big miracle to finance the printing of the book. Wish me luck, Mama.

I hope it would come true, the printing of my poetry book, Mama. But this would be more sweeter if you're still here. I wish you can be proud of me, Mama.

Well, it's late. 12:18 a.m. to be exact, and I don't like the tone that my letter is getting, so I better stop now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Just another letter...

2011-02-28T02:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I really wouldn't like to write another letter of whining. You should be resting, Mama. I understand that. That is why, sometimes I don't write you... because I don't want to cry in my letters anymore.

But I just don't have anyone here beside me. You knew I tried to look, Mama. I told you that, but they just wouldn't accept me! It was only you who really saw through me, Mama... only you.

I miss you, Mama. I wish I can be with you soon.

I love you.

Daddy

I need you

2011-02-26T05:01:00.001-08:00

I could really use your hug right now, Mama... I miss you...

Edgar's JS Prom tonight

2011-02-24T08:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Our son, Edgar Allan, is on his JS Prom tonight. Although I wonder if he is still there now since it's already 12:02 a.m. He said he won't be coming home and they would all proceed to their classmate's house and stay there overnight. I hope he'll be fine, Mama... and I really hope he enjoyed his prom night.

As for me, still working on the book and the talk that I need to deliver in iBlog7, Mama. I really painted myself to the corner this time. I hope I would be able to finish the manuscript, and at the same time work for online income in my blogs, and deliver the talk about writer's block with flying colors. I wish.

Anyway, I'm really sleepy now. I was just waiting for Edgar to text me, but until now he hasn't sent any message. I have been restraining myself to text him because I don't want him being disturbed and feel that I was breathing behind his shoulders. I really hoped he enjoyed the night.

Well, take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you... I love you, Mama.

Daddy

It happened again, Mama

2011-02-14T20:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I'm really sorry for what happened to your grave. I really wish there's something I can do to protect it, Mama. I hope those people who did that would die, and that they would do the same thing to their grave. They are not human, Mama.

I'm really sorry...

Daddy

It's that day again...

2011-02-13T08:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

It's February 14 once again. Valentine's Day, but it was also the day that you "went home" and left us. I still don't know what to make of this day, Mama. I couldn't even greet you on this day. I don't know what or how to greet you, Mama.

Well, the kids went out last night, not really to celebrate, but just to have some time together. Because it was the eve of Valentine's Day, I'd like to think that we were having a Valentine celebration. Because, soon they'll be big enough and I might not even be able to prod them and go out with me.

I'm sure you already know, like what I said in my previous letter, I sent out flowers for this day, Mama. I hope you will not get mad. Although, I'm still not sure whether it was a good or bad decision, I'll know when the girl receives the flower. Anyway, I really hope you understand, Mama. No one can still take your place. I assure you that.

Angel will be dancing in school in a few hours. I need to go to sleep now, Mama. My eyes are already closing. Will write about Angel's dance later. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Trying...

2011-02-09T14:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I'm trying to get back on track. I'm rather slow, but I'm trying Mama. I really wish I am not alone.

I miss you, Mama.

Take care.

I love you.

Daddy

Day 4 and a silly question

2011-02-03T17:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

It's day 4 without a job. While I'm enjoying the rest and stress-free day I'm having, at the back of my mind I know I still need to get hired soon. So far, I have only applied for 2 positions, in the same company. I haven't received any feedback from them yet. I hope I can find a job that is not accounting-related, Mama.

If I would have my way, I would love not to work and just concentrate on writing. But Edgar and Angel are graduating, and next year I'll have two sons in college and Angel will be in high school. It's unfortunate that Angel did not pass the entrance exam at SSC, so I'll be enrolling her in a private school to ensure her a quality education. That means I have to work hard. Hopefully, I would earn enough for them.

I really have a silly question, Mama and I do not even know how to ask it. It's February, and Valentine's day is approaching. I know it's your anniversary, it was the day you "went home" but, would you be angry, upset, or feel violated if I sent out flowers to another girl on that day? I still don't know if I'll do that, since I vowed not to desecrate your memory.

I'm sorry, Mama. I know I don't even have to ask about it. The fact that I even gave it thought feels like I have already desecrated your memory. I don't know. I can't understand what's happening to me. I'm sorry, Mama. I'm really sorry.

Please take care of yourself. I really wish I could be with you soon so that I won't even entertain these thoughts. I'm sorry... I guess, I'm just missing you...

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Roller coaster

2011-01-28T08:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

It's been a roller coaster ride for me lately, although there were only few that can be considered up. Honestly Mama, I'm really confuse and do not know what to do next.

I will be jobless start Februay and I don't how I feel. Fortunately, a former boss sent me PM and asked me if I can join him as the company that we used to work together is re-opening. I do hope that will push through, Mama.

Now, I just don't what to do.

Wish you were here, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

140 BP

2011-01-25T08:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I had a check-up today because of headache and nape pains. When they took my BP, it was 140/100. I wasn't even aware that I have a high BP. The doctor said it was type 1 high blood. Fortunately, Mama, my BP normalized after I was administered medicine.

The doctor advised me to monitor my BP, Mama. I guess it's all part of aging, plus the stress and depression that I have been getting lately. I really I can live through this, Mama. I really wish I could.

I really miss you, Mama. If you were only here, you could at least hug me when I'm feeling down. I really miss you.

Take care of yourself, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

I don't know what to do....

2011-01-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I don't know what to do. I'm getting lost again. Soon, I will be out of job. I hope I could survive this for the sake of the kids... I hope I could stay sane.

...could really use your hug now, Mama. I miss you.

Daddy

P.S. I love you Mama

Tired

2011-01-10T13:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I'm tired and I haven't done anything yet. It's only 5 a.m. and I do not want to go on.

I really miss you hug on times like this, Mama.

Daddy

Help me make Angel well

2011-01-08T09:09:00.001-08:00

Dear Mama,

Please help make Angel well so we can celebrate her birthday. She needs you now, Mama. Please let her feel your love. Help me Mama, please.

Daddy

Angel's 13th birthday

2011-01-07T14:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

It's less than 24 hour before our baby will become a teenager. Angel is growing up, Mama. Now, I may not be able to protect her always. I hope time won't come when we'll have misunderstandings because of her choices. I'll do my best to take care of her, Mama. You know how I love our baby.

As for the celebrations, Angel doesn't really want anything. Maybe we would just go out, she said she wants to eat spaghetti, so I'll take her to the spaghetti house in Marquee Mall tomorrow. I haven't bought any gift for her though. Hope I can find one today.

That's all for now, Mama. Please take care of yourself. I miss you very much, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Easy first day

2011-01-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

The first day of 2011 went well and easy. I guess it was only because I was very busy and preoccupied. As you know, we went to Parañaque and Novaliches on January 1.

I thought we won't be complete on new year, Mama. Ralph came late on new year's eve. He came home actually past 12 midnight. He went to his friend's house and was invited by his friend's father for a little drink. I'm glad he was able to make it home safe with all those firecrackers and celebrations on the street.

I hope this year will be better for the kids, Mama. As for me, I don't know Mama. I'm just tired. I'm literally dragging my feet. Wish I could go where you are now.

Take care of yourself, Mama. Sorry for my whining again. I miss you Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Happy new year, Mama.

2010-12-30T15:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

It's new year's eve again. Another year ends and a new begins. But still, I am not really excited Mama. I still feel like dragging my feet.

Anyway, I still need to prepare something for our medya noche, Mama. Maybe just some quick and easy fix.

That's all I want to say right now, Mama. I don't want to rant at the end of the year.

Happy new year, Mama.

I miss you... I love you.

Daddy

Nightmare... future... and disgrace

2010-12-29T08:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Last Monday night (or Tuesday dawn), I heard Ralph shouting. Half-asleep, I run to his room. His eyes were closed, although he was talking and asked me to stay there. It seemed he had a nightmare, Mama. So I slept right beside him then.

Tomorrow, will the homecoming Mama. The time where I will dance in front of a big crowd. I'm sorry, Mama. I had to do it for the batch. Anyway, it will the first and last time. I promise, Mama.

2010 is almost over, and soon it will 2011. I don't know what to think, what to expect. I don't even to go there anymore, Mama. I'm tired... really tired. I wish I could go to you.

I miss you Mama. I love you.

Daddy

Merry Christmas Mama!

2010-12-24T11:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Merry Christmas to you. We were able to hold our Christmas party even though I prepared for it on the last minute only. The party went well, the kids cooperated and participated in the activities. Edgar and Ralph sang while Angel danced. There were fewer games than last year because we removed the funniest games.

We had simple foods for noche buena, Mama. I didn't cook really. But still, we had more than enough to eat still. We have enough left for Christmas day. I really wish you were here, sharing the party with us. The children were all glad and happy when they received their gifts, and that made me happy too, Mama.

Next year, we'll still do this Christmas party and I am asking the kids to continue doing it, even I'm already gone. They all agreed, Mama. Thank you for starting tradition, Mama.

That will be all for now, it's 3 a.m. and I haven't slept yet. I can hear Ralph still awake, maybe he is still playing. Anyway, merry Christmas, Mama. Take care of yourself.

I miss you Mama. I love you.

Daddy

Christmas party in a few minutes

2010-12-24T04:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

It's December 24 again, past 8 p.m., in a few hours we will be having our Christmas party. The kids and I are still having the party that you started. I intend to continue this even if they grow up and already have their own family. I hope they won't get tired of this, Mama.

This is just one of the ways we remember you and everything you have done for us, Mama. I hope you're watching us as the kids play the games that we'll be having. Prepared simple foods to share for the noche buena. You know I really cannot cook, and I'm thankful that the kids are not really asking for much.

Well, I better get ready. Not yet finish planning and preparing for the games. 'really wish you can join us. I miss you Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Ralph is sick again...

2010-12-22T08:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Ralph is sick again. Please help me make him well, Mama. It's time like this that I pity them because I cannot take good care of the kids.

I'm sorry Mama.

Daddy

Will be jobless again soon....

2010-12-20T15:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I won't be long and I'll be jobless again. Can't blame anyone really, I know it's all my fault Mama. Maybe I'm not really cut to supervise people... maybe I'm not really a good team player... maybe I'm not really made for the corporate world... but the truth is, I'm not really good as everybody think I am.

I'm sorry Mama. I failed you again. It will be back to blogging for me, I guess. Something that I love to do and yet doesn't really give me money to send the kids to school.

Anyway, I guess better things will come my way...

Think I'll stop now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I love you and I miss you so much.

Daddy

p.s. I could really use a hug now, Mama.

Edgar and the FGNHS-SPA are champion once

2010-12-18T05:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Today, the SPA choir joined another contest in Robinson's Angeles, and Edgar was included in the choir. And I'm sure you know that they won, Mama. This is the second time that they won in the said competition and Edgar was included in both group.

It's a good thing they won, Mama. If you remember, they lost last week in another competition in Marquee Mall, at least the win today boosted their ego. I can sense they felt so down in their last lost because they take these competitions seriously. One consolation for Edgar, Mama, was that he was not included in the team that lost. Although I really don't think it would've made a difference if he was included.

That's all for now, Mama. Only the good news, so as not to burden you so much with my whining. Take care of yourself, Mama.

I love you.

I miss you.

Daddy

Excited for my new book

2010-12-17T14:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

I guess you already know by now, I have a new book coming out. Well, it's not really my book, but a collection of stories and my stories are included in those be selected to be included in the book. I hope you're proud of me, Mama. Maybe next time, it will be my own book of poems and short stories haha... here I go again with my wishful thinking, Mama.

Anyway, it's almost Christmas and I am still not prepared. Was too busy these past few days, Mama. I am really stressed, I wish I could hug you so I would feel better. I really miss you Mama. I wish you're still with us and we can celebrate the season together.

Oh well, here I go again. I'm sorry Mama. Don't worry about the kids, they're doing fine. I promise to take good care of them, the best way that I can. Take care of yourself Mama. I really, really miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

not again...

2010-12-12T06:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

It's that "down" feeling again... I really could use a hug now, Mama...

I miss you :(

Daddy

Ice cream for the anniversary

2010-12-08T08:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

Just got home after having some ice cream with the kids at Mr. Frosty in Balibago. We were already full since we ate at the dance practice, that is why we just went for ice cream.

I was hoping you were with us when were there Mama.

Oh boy! Here I go again.... I miss you Mama, I really do.

Taka care.

I love you

Daddy

Happy anniversary, Mama!

2010-12-07T18:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Mama,

It's our 19th wedding anniversary. I didn't forget Mama, I never will. It will always be the same, except that we won't be celebrating it with you anymore. I plan to take the kids out tonight after our dance practice.

I miss you, Mama. Take care of yourself.

I love you.

Daddy