Monday, August 12, 2013

My last letter

Dear Mama,

I really thought about this long and hard... it was not easy, but I guess I have to make a decision. This will be my last letter, Mama.

No, it is not because I found a new love. You know that’s not the reason, Mama. Although I admit that I tried to pursue someone as I’ve told you in a previous letter and how I was turned down. Honestly, I don’t think I will ever attempt again nor even think of finding a new one. I will just focus on the kids, Mama. There is no other one, and no one can replace you, Mama.

I am putting a stop to this letter-writing because you should be at rest, Mama. You have done enough for us when you were still here, it’s very selfish of me to disturb you and even ask you to do things for us when you should already be at peace.

You left because you were confident that I will be able to go on and continue raising our kids. You knew that I will take good care of them as I promised you. You trusted me, that is why you left. If it weren’t for that trust, I’m sure you would have fought just to stay no matter how much it was hurting you... no matter how much pain you were going through... you would have stayed.

But you knew I will never let you down... you knew I will be able to take care of the kids as I promised you. I’m trying my best, Mama. I do. I am far from the best father award, I know, but I’m trying my best... just as I promised you, Mama.

Ralph, as you know, is now attending his review class in Manila in preparation for the board exam in October. That’s just two months from now, Mama. After that, we will have another CPA in the family. He is doing fine, he passed the pre-board and was even included in the Top 100 of CPAR, landing number 94 as I wrote to you last week. The last time we talked, he was already applying for jobs there, Mama. I hope he finds a good company to work for.

Edgar is very active in school, in fact he just arrived home right now from their choir practice. It’s already past 10 p.m., Mama. Tomorrow, he’ll go to school early again to attend a meeting about their sports fest and probably they will have another choir practice in the evening again. He is also a member of two newspapers in their school – the engineering newspaper and the university newspaper. He is on his third year in college now, Mama.

Our little baby is not to be left out, Mama. Angel is also active in her class and is almost always a leader every time they are having a group activity. She is also taking her studies seriously and plans to take up education in college. She said she will be taking English as her major and eventually take up law. Our Angel wants to be a lawyer, Mama.

Thus far, they are doing well Mama. Of course, it’s not always a smooth ride for us as there are always rough roads. Neither is it always a peaceful house here because every now and then we get at each others’ nerves. Yes Mama, including me. Nonetheless, we’re sticking it out, Mama. I won’t let anything get out of control.

Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m making the right decision right now but as I’ve said, I’m being unfair to you for still bothering you for the last five years. It’s really difficult for me to say goodbye again, but I know I have to go on. You are at peace now and you should be at rest. You left not because you didn’t love me, you left because you love me too much and believe I can go on and continue where you left off.

I hope I am making you proud so far, Mama. I hope I am doing even just an average job on being both a father and a mother to our three kids. I hope I will be strong enough and not easily give up when faced with difficulties. I hope I will always stay sane.

I will try to remember everything that you told me, Mama... everything that you taught me. I will try to control my temper and not always shout at the kids... that Jellyace is a good remedy for LBM... that it is always good to sauté almost every food that I cook... and that I should always believe in myself.

 I’m sorry for all the troubles and pains I’ve brought to you when you were still here... and I’m sorry for still disturbing you now in heaven. Thank you for everything, Mama. Thank you for the love... thank you for the trust... thank you for believing in me... and most of all, thank you for giving me a second chance.

I know someday, we will be together again in a place that you have prepared for us. I am looking forward to that, Mama. That will be the day that we will never be apart from each other again.

Sorry for this long letter. Since this is my last letter, I know I should say everything that I need to say. I have already said a mouthful but I still feel I haven’t said enough.  Words are really just not enough, Mama. You did everything for me... for us... while you were still here and even after you already ‘went home.’

Thank you for everything, Mama. I hope I will be with you soon. Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you.

I love you, Mama.