Dear Mama,
April is about to end, and then May will come. My birth month is coming and I will be 56. I'm really getting old, Mama. I know, talked about that in my past letter.
The truth, Mama is I really don't know what to say. I want to talk to you. I want to say something, but I don't know what. I feel lost, Mama. I don't know where I am now in my life and what should I do or where to go.
I know I'm not making sense, Mama.
I just wish I could be with you, Mama.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
It Sunday afternoon, 4 p.m., and it's very hot! Ralph and Edgar are sleeping right now. Angel wants to sleep, too but she can't because it's so hot. The electric fans doesn't seem to be of much help. It's really very hot lately, Mama.
Ralph was supposed to get his haircut this afternoon, Mama. However, he fell asleep after lunch. Probably because he wasn't able to sleep last night. You know he's been working graveyard shift, probably why he can't sleep at night even when he doesn't have work.
That's all I have to say, Mama. I hope you will visit me soon in my dreams.
I miss you, Mama.
I love you.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
I am getting old.
I guess it's inevitable, Mama. I am really getting old. Not just because I am turning 56 next month, I can really feel it, Mama. I am getting old.
This afternoon I was seated in front of a PUJ, beside the driver, on my way home after work. I happened to glanced at the side mirror, Mama and I saw my face - white hairs on my head, little hairs sprouting from my chin which are also white, and the face of an old, haggard, and defeated man.
I can only sigh, Mama.
And it's not just the physical features, Mama. I also get tired easily. Everyday I walk on my way to work and I feel tired once I reached our office. It wasn't like that before, Mama. On my way home after work, I often chose to ride the jeepney because it feels like I might not survive the heat of the sun if I walk. It wasn't like that before, Mama.
There's nothing I can do about it.
The only thing worse than growing old is growing old alone.
I wish you were here.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
I had my lab test and check up this morning for our annual physical examination. I hope the results are okay, Mama. I've not been really exercising nor watching my diet lately, but I'm taking my maintenance medicines, Mama.
Edgar is planning to start a business, Mama. I hope he will be successful in his business and learn from his first endeavor.
Ralph is still working, although he is looking for other opportunities, too. I am worried about his gout, Mama. It seems to be getting out of hand. He cannot walk normal anymore. I've been asking him to have it checked. It could be more than gout.
Angel is still looking for a job. I hope she finds one where she can stay longer so I won't be worried too much about her once I'm gone.
About me, nothing much. Still living with all these anxieties inside me.
That will be all for now, Mama. I hope to be with you soon. I miss you, Mama.
I love you.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
After our trip to Bacolod, we rested for a while. We had not much activity as a family aside from the grocery shopping. Edgar and Ralph had some occasional bonding time with their friends, Angel stayed mostly at home, while I have been to some Toastmasters activities.
However, yesterday we went out. We accompanied Angel to Marquee who had an interview in a BPO located there. Ralph, Edgar, and I just looked around the mall while waiting for Angel, who did not take long because they advised her she was just shortlisted. So, we just walked around the mall looking around. We bought cat food to feed the kittens that are staying in our house, Mama.
At around 5 p.m. we decided to leave. Instead of going home, Angel suggested we try the new coffee shop in Marisol, so we proceeded there. We spent a lot of time at the coffee shop, Mama. They have lots of board and card games at the coffee shop which the customers can use. Edgar picked the Monopoly game board because it seems it was the only game all of us could play. There are a lot more games, Mama but I may not be able to play them. Thus, we played the Monopoly.
Of course, Monopoly is not a game that we can finish, Mama. We played for more than 3 hours. We were not finished when we stopped at 9 p.m. But we had lots of fun, Mama. Angel enjoyed the game, most of us did. Although, if we proceeded to finish I might be the first one to go bankrupt because I was already losing money. We enjoyed our time together last night, Mama. I wish we can have more opportunities like that. I hope you were watching us last night, Mama and laughing at us.
We miss you, Mama. I miss you.
I love you, Mama.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
Our children and I went to Bacolod this Holy Week. We used the seat-sale bought by Ralph last year from Cebu Pacific, or else it will expire on April 30, 2024 and he won't get any refund from his payments made. We flew last Wednesday, March 27 and went home yesterday, March 29.
We took the P2P ride from Clark to NAIA, Mama because there were no flights available for our schedule in Clark. We took the 2:30 a.m. bus and we were at NAIA at around 4:00 a.m. Our scheduled flight was 8:45 a.m.
It was the first time for Edgar and Angel to fly, Mama. Good thing their first experience was a smooth one and the flights we took - from NAIA to Bacolod, and Bacolod back to NAIA were both on time.
We had a great time in Bacolod, Mama although our options were limited because malls and other establishments and tourist destinations were closed. We were able to visit The Ruins, Mama on Wednesday. Angel loved it and she enjoyed the experience.
We also had authentic chicken inasal, and even talaba. I was surprised Angel loved the talaba. This was on the first day, Mama. On the second day, we had seafoods. Ralph was the one who paid most of our food, although Edgar and I would also contribute some amounts for the expenses.
On our 3rd day, which was Edgar's birthday, there weren't anywhere for us to go because it was already Good Friday. We just went out to buy pasalubong like piyaya and napoleones, and then we went back to the hotel to rest and prepare for our flight back home in evening.
It was a nice experience, Mama. I wish I could raise funds so we can do it again. Angel loves the experience. Of course, it would have been happier if you were with us.
I miss you, Mama.
I love you.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
I feel so empty, unaccomplished, and in limbo. I've been trying to fight it, Mama. This nagging anxiety inside that is always triggered by the smallest thing. It's really so difficult when you try to keep everything inside, Mama.
Lately, I've been getting some 'advise' at work about the slightest thing. I might just be paranoid, but it feels like I am 'next' and they are just looking for the perfect reason to avoid any conflict.
Maybe it's just me. I don't know, Mama.
I wish you were here.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
I went to the doctor this afternoon for my quarterly exam. I brought my laboratory results from last week for his reading. I asked what SGPT is because it was the only one in my lab test that was high, and he said it refers to the liver. He was wondering why it spiked. He asked if I have been drinking alcohol lately, I said I was only drinking beer occasionally, and far intervals in between.
The doctor removed my medicine for cholesterol, Mama. He said it might be the one causing it. Apparently, it was one of the side effects of the medicine for cholesterol maintenance.
He also gave me antibiotic for my cough, Mama. Because I mentioned I've been coughing since the first week of March, and he said it's been too long, so he gave me a prescription for antibiotic. And you know how antibiotics are, Mama. They cost an arm and a leg. I already bought them on my way home. I was not able to buy any of my other medicines, Mama because I have no enough money left. Anyway, I still have some left here at home.
I guess that will be all for now, Mama. I hope this cough will end soon. It's very annoying, and oftentimes embarrassing when I can't hold it when I'm in public.
I really wish you were here still with us, Mama. I miss you.
I love you, Mama.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
I did not go to work today. I called in sick, Mama. Rather, I texted in sick. I've been under the weather since Saturday evening, Mama. I started coughing that night, and it worsened on Sunday. But I had to report to work on Monday because otherwise I would be required to get medical certificate because it's after a weekend.
I think my feeling worsened at the office because the a/c was so cold. I had fever Monday night, but I still reported back to work on Tuesday. And again, Mama, I felt worse. As soon as I arrived home yesterday, I lied down to rest. I was not able to do the laundry. I had body pains all over, Mama. When Edgar arrived home from work yesterday, he was also not feeling well. He too, immediately lied down.
Edgar went to work today, Mama while I opted to rest. Otherwise, I might spread the virus at the office. I hope they won't require me to submit medical certificate because it's only just one day. My cough has gotten worse, Mama. I drink lots of water, because my throat feels so dry.
I wish you're here now, Mama so you can take care of us. I miss you, Mama. Especially in times like this.
I love you, Mama.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
We celebrated Nanay's 94th birthday yesterday and today at Morong, Bataan. It was a sort of Dela Cruz family outing slash reunion. Koya Boy and Ate Let usually comes home from Guam and Canada every year for Nanay's birthday. This year they decided to celebrate it via overnight stay in a resort in Morong, Bataan.
It was Ralph and Edgar who coordinated with their cousins for the preparation, including the share in the expenses. It was a good break for the kids, Mama. We arrived home this afternoon. I immediately did the laundry to lessen the dirty clothes because the last I did the laundry was Wednesday afternoon.
That's all I can share for now, Mama. Wish you were here, I'm sure they would have requested for your relyenong bangus.
I miss you, Mama.
I love you.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
Here I am dreaming again. Because I am done with the Area joint clubs' meeting and Area speech contest, I am back at dreaming again in releasing my original songs, Mama. I hope it will finally come true soon.
I've been asking for the process, Mama. A fellow songwriter told me the step-by-step process on how to go through it, and suggested studios he went to in recording his songs. An old companion in KFC then also sent me a message and offered to arrange my song for free.
I guess there's no turning back this time, Mama. I hope you're proud of me.
I miss you, Mama.
I love you.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
It's eating me again. How can I uncover what I've been hiding deep inside, Mama? How can I tell our children? Will they still accept me once they knew the truth? Should I tell them?
I don't know what to do, Mama. This one burden that I have been carrying all these years. I don't know how long I can still hide it.
Help me, Mama.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
Just finished our Toastmasters meeting via Zoom. It's past 10pm now, Mama. I'm about to sleep, but I thought I'll write a short letter.
Edgar did not work today, Friday, because he has fever when he came home yesterday. He still has fever when I came home this afternoon, although I think right now he is no longer as hot as he was this morning. He's taking medicines round the clock, Mama. He is already sleeping now. I hope he feels better soon.
The constructions in the grillery beside us is already finished and they have officially opened, Mama. They are not as loud as the previous ones that used to be there, but there are vehicles parked in front of our house right now. I guess this will be how it will be in the days to come. And it's making me anxious, Mama.
If only it's easy just to move away from here, but we don't have the money to do that. Also, because of my experience here, I feel that there is no guarantee I won't be encountering the same experiences in other places if we relocate. I know, Mama... I'm crazy.
It's really so hard when you have no one to tell these things to. I wish you were here, Mama.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
It's Valentine's day, and I do not know if I should greet you a happy valentine's day. This day will never be the same for me since you left us exactly 16 years ago, Mama. I understand why you had to go then, Mama. You've been fighting for us for so long, and you deserved to rest.
I'm sorry for speaking in this tone again, Mama. Anyway, the children and I just arrived home. We ate at a nearby eatery, just within the neighborhood, Mama. Because while I don't like to celebrate this day, it would be unfair for our kids not to. I also bought a valentine cake for our Angel, Mama. She liked it.
I don't know what to say in my letter. Please guide me, Mama. Please smile for me.
I miss you, Mama.
I love you.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
Something's moved. Something has changed in the grillery beside us. They continued working again on their makeshift gate beside. Looks like they'll be making a proper gate, and that means their entrance will be right beside us.
I don't know how this will impact my anxiety but just imagining the noise they will create already makes me anxious.
Right now I don't know what do, or even what to think. I still don't understand why this grillery has been allowed to open right beside us.
I'm feeling weak, Mama. I wish you were here.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
It's 7:30 a.m., Sunday morning. The kids are still sleeping right now. Edgar actually woke up already earlier to wrap the lumpiang shanghai just to get them ready, afterward he went back to sleep, I am also with my early morning laundry. So, it's a sort of a laid back and lazy Sunday right now, Mama.
We usually go out for grocery shopping during Sunday morning, Mama. But I no longer have enough money, so we skipped this routine today. Anyway, I'm just trying to relax, as you know I just finished my Area contest, and just trying to wait for my term to end. Probably doing some Director's tasks along the way.
I am also trying to enjoy the quiet Sunday morning, Mama. By quiet, I'm not just referring to the environment, but especially my head. I just turned on the electric kettle so I can enjoy my second coffee for today.
I guess that will be all for now, Mama. I wish I can be with you soon.
I miss you, Mama.
I love you.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
It's 5 more months before my term as Area Director in Toastmasters ends. I'm dragging my feet right now. I'm exhausted. I'm glad the area contest is over. Now, I need to help the club not only survive, but thrive, Mama. That means build membership and make sure they complete their speech projects.
Why am I talking too much Toastmasters, lately? I'm sorry, Mama.
My back hurst right now, Mama. I also feel like I'm getting a fever. I don't know if it's the weather, because of too much thinking and stress, or just because of my age.
I wish you were here, Mama.
I miss you.
I love you, Mama.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
The Area speech contest is finally over. We held it this morning, as I mentioned yesterday, Mama. It was really a great relief to have this off my shoulders finally.
I was tensed all throughout the whole program, Mama. However, everyone says it was great. I'm glad they see it that way.
Right now, I am tired. Actually, not just tired. I feel drained, Mama.
But I am really glad it's over. I can breathe for now.
I wish you're proud of me, Mama.
I miss you.
I love you, Mama.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
The Area contest will be tomorrow, I don't know if I can sleep tonight. Anyway, everything has been covered already... I hope. I'm nervous, Mama. I don't really like this.
I wish you were here, Mama.
I love you.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
6 more days to go before our Area contest and I'm stressing myself to death. I'm not even sure if I can make it to that day. Anyway, I hope everything will be okay. There are still a lot things to iron out, though.
Angel and I attended a bookbinding workshop, Mama. She enjoyed the event. I will be looking for more activities like that so she can go out and enjoy, at the same time meet other people.
It's so cold these past few days, Mama. As they say, the ice are melting in the North Pole.
I wish I can hug you right now, Mama. Not just because it's cold.
I miss you, Mama.
I love you.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
Someone tried to break in our house last night. I already felt it this morning, when I woke up I found the window of my room wide open. No wonder I felt so cold when I woke up, Mama. I asked our children but none of them opened the window. I tried to dismiss the thought, Mama. It was around 4:30 a.m.
As I went the back to get take out the trash as I usually do every morning, I saw my cutter and pair of pliers outside near the door of the dirty kitchen. I was surprised because these were in the garage in front. Again, I asked the children but none of them used the cutter and pliers, neither did they put them at the back. I went to see the container at the garage, and saw the other cutter also displaced from its original position.
This strengthened my suspicion, Mama. But I'm still trying to fight it. So, Edgar and I went to work. Around 10:00 a.m. Ralph sent a message in our group chat, and he sent a photo. It was something that looked like a homemade lockpick that he found in the garage, in front of our door. I felt that confirmed what I felt - someone indeed tried to break into our house last night! And I'm sure it wasn't just one person, Mama.
This might have not happened if we had a dog. Since the death of Fluffy, G, and Loki last year I never took a dog anymore, Mama. I felt I won't be able to take care of them. Now, it looks like I really need a dog.
I'm getting paranoid now, Mama. If anything happened to us here, no one will help us. Nobody like us here, Mama.
I don't even know if it's safe to sleep tonight.
I wish you were here, Mama.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
We were able to celebrate Angel's birthday yesterday. We ate at an unli-steak restaurant just within our neighborhood, Mama. We were only able to eat 2 steaks each, which were thin mind you. But we also ate other food like chicken, fries, and spaghetti. It was Ralph's treat for Angel, Mama.
Now, I don't know what happened but there seem to be some tension inside the house. I think we really need to move from here, Mama. There's been too much negative energy that perhaps we have accumulated through the years. Probably, because of me.
Ralph is still not here, but he's on the way home, Mama. He reported at their office today. He'll be working until Friday, and Monday next week he'll be starting in his new company. It was fortunate that the new work came right in time, Mama. I hope he will grow there. I wish all our children will grow in their career and profession this year, Mama. So that they can prepare for the future.
I guess that will be all for now, Mama. I miss you.
I love you, Mama.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
Tomorrow, it will be back to work me. After 3 weeks of Christmas break, we'll go back to work, Mama. Which is good because we are not paid on our break unless they fall on a holiday, or I still have vacation leave credits left. Unfortunately, I consumed all my VL credits last year because of Toastmasters. I thought the Christmas break will be offset against the Sick Leave, but I thought wrong. That's why I received almost no salary last 30th of December, except for the holidays during that time which I believe were only 3 days. For January, I don't know if the first week will be offset against my new leave credits for the year. That's already 5 days deducted for me, Mama.
I guess it's lesson learned for me, Mama. Maybe I was surprised because it's the first time I actually consumed my VL credits. Should I file for sick leave and pretend to be sick instead, Mama? Anyway, I'll just move on from that episode in my work. It's one minor details. I've only 4 years to retirement, anyway.
I guess that will be all for now, Mama. On Tuesday we'll be celebrating Angel's birthday. Wish you can join us.
I miss you, Mama.
I love you.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
I'm preparing for our Toastmasters meeting right now. I still have more than an hour but I wanted to make sure my slides are all okay because I am the Table Topics Master. It will be via Zoom, Mama. That's why I need time for some technical preparations. I hope it will be quiet here tonight, Mama.
Ralph received a job offer from one of the company he is applying in. It's a good deal except that it's a nightshift. Although it is a work-from-home set up, Mama. So, I guess that will be just fine. He is still looking at his other options, Mama. Still waiting for the results of the other companies so he can weigh in on what's best for him.
Edgar is better now, Mama. He just came home from work. Although he is still taking medicines. Angel is sleeping right now. Angel and I went out yesterday, Mama. We went to the mall, just the two of us. She needed to convert her postpaid mobile phone line to prepaid. After that, we just walked around the mall. We also had our photos taken in a photobooth, Just like the Photo-Me we had during our time, except it is more expensive, Mama. Then we had ramen before we went home.
I guess that will be all for now, Mama. Next week will be Angel's birthday. I hope I'll have funds then so we can celebrate her birthday. I wish you can join us, Mama. We really miss you, Mama. I really miss you.
I love you, Mama.
Daddy
Dear Mama,
It's the third day of the new year, and aside from our family time on the first day nothing much has happened. It feels like were just coping in the new year. Edgar feels better now, although he went to the clinic for a check up. He did not work today, Mama. Ralph is working now. He'll be working until next week with his company. He still has not found a new company to work on, but he's been having lots of job interviews lately. Hopefully, he'll find a new job before January ends. Angel is out now, Mama. She said she'll just take a look for some items she might need.
Lately I've been feeling weak, Mama. I don't know if it's just in my head or it's because I've been just lying down lately. Also, I feel dizzy every now then. Not sure if it's vertigo. There was a time it was quite strong, although mostly just mild dizziness.
Next week it will be Angel's birthday, and I still have no plans, Mama. Although I already bought her gift as I mentioned in my last letter. I hope we can come up with something, soon.
It will be a busy first quarter for me in Toastmasters, Mama. As you know, I am an Area Director now. First, there will be the preparation for the Area Contest this January. I still have no sponsors, and I don't know how get one, Mama. I don't even know what I need to do! Then the actual Area Contest in February. Then the Division contest in March, which I still have to support, of course.
Anyway, just trying to write something to distract this anxiety which is building up again inside. I really wish you were still here, Mama.
I miss you.
I love you, Mama.
Dadddy
Happy new year, Mama!!!
It's already January 2, the second day of 2024. Yesterday, we had our first day out, Mama. Upon the invitation of Ralph, we had our lunch at Denny's in SM Clark, Mama. I was hesitant because Ralph is in between jobs and still has no assured employment as of now, but I really wanted to go out as I've been through a lot anxieties lately.
After lunch, of course we walked around the mall to pass time. We were able to find a mobile phone that is affordable but with good specifications as per Angel. Since it was on sale, I closed my eyes and used my last savings to buy it for Angel, telling her that it is my gift for her upcoming birthday next week. At least I already have a gift for her, Mama. Something that she likes and she can use especially in her online endeavors.
Then we had a little refreshment before we went home at around 6:00 pm, Mama. Last night, Ralph went out to meet his high school friends. It was an overnight event, and he's still not home right now, Mama. He hasn't replied to my message yet this morning, I hope he's fine. Edgar, on the other hand, had fever last night, Mama. I don't know why, he was well when we were still in the mall. He still sick now. He's taking medicines 'round the clock, Mama. I'm sorry he got sick again, Mama.
Angel is still sleeping now, although we already had our breakfast. She slept after our breakfast, while Edgar is resting now, not sure if he is sleeping. I'll just be buying ready-to-eat food for our lunch, Mama. I no longer know how to plan to cook since Edgar took care of our kitchen.
This is how our 2024 has gone so far, Mama. Please help me take care of Edgar. Tomorrow, both he and Ralph will be going back to work. Yes, Ralph will still be working until the 15th, Mama. I hope he gets hired in a new job soon.
I guess that will be all for now, Mama. Until my next letter.
I miss you, Mama.
I love you.
Daddy
