Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas, Mama!

Dear Mama,

Merry Christmas! We had our Christmas party last night. Although I barely managed to pull through the depression I was going through, the kids enjoyed our simple celebration nonetheless. I wasn't able to write to you immediately after the party like what I used to do, because we still do not have internet at home. I had to wait for the morning to have access to the net.

Last night, I just followed our program for last year's Christmas party, Mama. The children did not complain. I just added a little variation. I asked them all to host one game each, which they did. They also gamely performed for the intermission, with Edgar and Ralph singing while Angel doing another dance number.

I hope you heard their messages, Mama. We really miss you. How I wish you're still with us. It would have been a happier party if you're still here. Again, I asked them to continue doing the Christmas party even when I'm gone and they already have their own family. It is our way of remembering you, Mama.

That will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. Merry Christmas, Mama! I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Friday, December 16, 2011

please help me, Mama...

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Preparing for the Christmas Party

Dear Mama,

Christmas is almost here. While I am not really excited, I still have to prepare for it for the sake of the kids. Last Saturday, we already talked about our Christmas party. We also draw names for our exchange gifts. It took us about 5 attempts before we got it right, which means nobody got their own name.

We briefly discussed the games, Mama. They were the usual games, beginning of course with the longest sound, and guessing game which is the Pinoy Henyo. My main concern for our meeting then was to make them commit for an intermission number. The kids are older now, and I was afraid they might not want to perform anymore. Thanks goodness they all agreed to perform.

I'm still thinking about other games, Mama. One of my big problems, as usual, is the food for the Noche Buena. The kids all agreed with the tortilla chips and dips, like what we usually had. That was easy, Mama. I would do that, if I won't be able to come out with something special. But I really hope I can. I've been searching for recipes lately. I hope you can help me cook, Mama.

Well, I guess that's about it for now, Mama. See? We're still holding the Christmas party, Mama. I really hope nothing will happen that will make us break this tradition. It is our way of remembering you, Mama. Continuing this tradition that you started, and I'd like to thank you for this, Mama. Thank you very much.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Happy anniversary, Mama

Dear Mama,

It's 1 a.m. and I am writing this letter at home so I can just upload it later in an internet café or when I have access to the net. Today would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, Mama. It could have been a very happy celebration, if only we are still together until this day.

Today, I just plan to hear mass and go to work. Maybe take the kids out later in the afternoon to celebrate the day. I intended to cook something, but was just too tired to think… too tired to continue, actually.

It doesn't make sense, Mama. Nothing makes sense! These occasional accolades are nothing compared to this perennial vacuum I've been trying so hard to fill. Why am I still here and you're there? Shouldn't I be with you instead?

You were the only one who have accepted me, not for my achievements… not for my so-called talents, but just because I am me… and because you loved me. But now… I don't know. I'm tired, Mama. Really, really tired.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be writing to you like this, especially on our anniversary. I just can't help it. I've been in pain too long, Mama and it's not that easy to hide all those things inside.

Used, abused, exploited, ridiculed, judged and condemned. Been all that… am still is. Why am so gullible, Mama?

I guess this letter has already gone wrong. I just wanted to greet you on our wedding anniversary. Sorry to spoil the occasion, Mama. Better end this now for I can no longer see through these things in my eyes.

Happy anniversary, Mama! Thank you for all those years. Thank you for making me feel, at least at some point in my life, I was really loved, accepted and appreciated… sincerely. Thank you, Mama.

Please take care of yourself, always. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.