Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Happy anniversary, Mama

Dear Mama,

It's 1 a.m. and I am writing this letter at home so I can just upload it later in an internet café or when I have access to the net. Today would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, Mama. It could have been a very happy celebration, if only we are still together until this day.

Today, I just plan to hear mass and go to work. Maybe take the kids out later in the afternoon to celebrate the day. I intended to cook something, but was just too tired to think… too tired to continue, actually.

It doesn't make sense, Mama. Nothing makes sense! These occasional accolades are nothing compared to this perennial vacuum I've been trying so hard to fill. Why am I still here and you're there? Shouldn't I be with you instead?

You were the only one who have accepted me, not for my achievements… not for my so-called talents, but just because I am me… and because you loved me. But now… I don't know. I'm tired, Mama. Really, really tired.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be writing to you like this, especially on our anniversary. I just can't help it. I've been in pain too long, Mama and it's not that easy to hide all those things inside.

Used, abused, exploited, ridiculed, judged and condemned. Been all that… am still is. Why am so gullible, Mama?

I guess this letter has already gone wrong. I just wanted to greet you on our wedding anniversary. Sorry to spoil the occasion, Mama. Better end this now for I can no longer see through these things in my eyes.

Happy anniversary, Mama! Thank you for all those years. Thank you for making me feel, at least at some point in my life, I was really loved, accepted and appreciated… sincerely. Thank you, Mama.

Please take care of yourself, always. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.