Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Happy birthday, Mama!

Dear Mama,

I’m writing this letter in advance so I can send it to you tonight at midnight. It’s your birthday, Mama. Happy birthday! Every time your special day comes, we miss you all the more. How I wish we can still celebrate you birthday with you, Mama. But I’m sure you are joining us even if we cannot see you, Mama. We can still feel you’ll love… like you never left us. I just wish we can hug you.

I still do not know how we are going to celebrate your birthday, Mama. Like what I’ve said before, we might not celebrate it exactly on your birthday because I can’t be absent from work and the boys won’t be home until 9 p.m. So, we will be celebrating it tomorrow, Mama. I do hope that’s okay with you.

I’m still not sure whether I’ll cook or we’ll just go out. I cannot make plans because I still do not know how much we can spend. Not sure if I’m going to get some extra money. But whether or not I receive extra money, we’re going to celebrate your birthday, Mama. No matter how simple the celebration may be.

Anyway, I’ve said a lot. I forgot, I will send you today the song I wrote for you. I’m sure you have already heard me practicing it, I hope you like what I did. Although I wrote the song for you, it seems like the message is in my favor because I am asking you to send me smiles to help me cope with what I am going through.

I wrote the song when I was sick and feeling so low, and I was looking for you then. How I wished I can see you smile… hold your hands and embrace you. Perhaps I would have felt better right there and then. But I know that is asking too much. I just have to be contended with the thought you are always here with us.

Damn! I almost cried. But I can’t. I’m in the office right now. My officemates might think I’m crazy.

I’m talking too much, Mama.  I’ll just let you listen to the song I wrote for you… it’s called “Smile for Me.”

I hope you like it, Mama. Happy birthday!

I love you, Mama. I miss you.


P.S. Please send me smiles, Mama.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

4 days till your birthday

Dear Mama,

I was supposed to write to you last night, but I fell asleep while I was watching TV to give the children a chance to use the computer. Edgar was sick yesterday, he came home from his choir practice not feeling well. This morning, he felt better. I knew you helped me again in taking care of him. Thank you, Mama.

Angel and Ralph came home yesterday at around 5 p.m. from their shooting. It seems Angel is really serious in her craft, Mama. If only she will be focused. She gets easily distracted. I knew she's serious because she said they had to pack up, because she stressed one of her actors. They might continue next week. She was so tired that she slept when they arrived home, Mama. I'll talk to you about Ralph some other time. I have a lot to tell you about him, Mama.

It's 4 days til your birthday, Mama. I do hope we can make it special for you. I hope I can, Mama. But if ever, we might celebrate it the next day because I can't be absent from work. You know how it is in my present job, Mama. I need to be there, especially with your birthday falling on a payday. I hope you understand, Mama.

We will be having our dinner in a while. Take care of yourself, Mama. Until my next letter.

I miss you, Mama. I love you.


Friday, November 23, 2012

Dear Mama,

I sit here in front of my computer, thinking of what to write to you.... something positive. Well, for one... we're alive and nobody's sick. Kidding. I'm not being sarcastic, Mama. Just trying to warm up, while I think of what to say.

I am almost finished with the video I am editing, Mama. I will upload it on your birthday. I hope you will like the song I wrote for you.

Tomorrow, Angel will be "shooting a short movie," according to her. She wrote the script and she said she is the producer. She said she won't acting in the story, Mama. I hope she knows what she's doing. Ralph will be assisting Angel. He will be the director. Edgar was to supposed to join them and act in Angel's story, but they have choir practice and tomorrow.

Anyway, it's almost midnight and I will need to rest soon. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Monday, November 19, 2012

Edgar was almost a scholar

Dear Mama,

It's almost midnight, 11:30 p.m. to be exact, and Edgar is not yet home. He told Ralph this morning that they will be practicing for the choir after class. His class is up to 9:00 p.m. I never thought they would reach this late, Mama. He said they will be provided food for dinner. But it's really late. I should not be worried... but I am, Mama.

He is active in school now than he was in his first year in college. I hope his joining the choir would boost his self-esteem and open doors of opportunity for him to better hone his talents in music.

Did you know that Edgar was almost a scholar this semester? He told me that during dinner last week. If only he did not get a low grade in one of his subject, he might have been an academic scholar. It would have been a great relief if he were, Mama. I told him that it only means he can do it if only he'll try a little bit harder. But I don't want to pressure the kids just so I would have a lighter obligation, I want them to do it because it is what they want.

Anyway, Edgar is already home now Mama. He arrived when I was halfway through this letter. The kids are now resting in their rooms. I will be sleeping in a while also, Mama. Take care of yourself. Good night, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Friday, November 16, 2012

Still a dream...

Dear Mama,

They already released the finalists for the songwriting contest, and as usual, my name was not on the list. Should I be surprised, Mama? Is it even right for me to feel disappointed and frustrated? I already know beforehand that I don't stand a chance. Why did I even join in the first place?

I never learn my lesson, Mama. I know that I am not a good songwriter... not a good singer... and not really a musician, but why do I bother to join songwriting contests? Do I really expect to win or at least be one of the finalists? Some guts I have, right?

I'm sorry, Mama. I just had to vent out. I wish I can stop myself from joining next time.

Take care of yourself, Mama. Wish you were here now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Angel at Top 5!

Dear Mama,

You know what? Angel is in the Top 5 of her class! Yes Mama! Our baby is Rank No. 5 in her class! I was really surprised, Mama. Although I can see how hard she is working on her studies, I was not really expecting her to reach that high. You know how we don't want to push our children and just enjoy their studies, as long as they pass. Of course, that is a welcome news Mama. I hope it will motivate her to take her schooling even more seriously. I am still thinking of what reward I am going to give our baby, Mama.

This morning Mama, when I woke Angel up to prepare for school, she told me she dreamed about you. So instead of hurrying her up, I sat on her bed to hear her story. She said she was in an orphanage and according to the people there, you were one of the benefactors there. The man said you have already donated more than P60,000 there, and that you left somethings with them and told them to give those to your children.

Angel introduced herself as your youngest daughter, and they gave her several boxes. When Angel opened the boxes, she recognized your things. There were also some money inside the boxes. Angel was puzzled. First, she was asking me why did you have money to donate to orphanage? And how did those boxes get there?

Of course, I cannot answer her about the boxes. But as to the donations, I told her it was really your nature to help others. And that even if you have no money, you will find some ways, even borrowing money from others just so you can give to those who come to you.

Then Angel said, she never saw you in her dream Mama. But she said she felt your presence. I just smiled at her. I was actually envious. I am happy though, that she dreamed of you, Mama. And I guess, it was good dream, because it showed how kindhearted you really are.

Her dream only made miss you even more, Mama. How I wish I would dream of you too. Anyway, your birthday's near and I am thinking of how we are going to celebrate it, Mama. Of course, I am preparing something special you. I hope you will like it, Mama.

So I guess, that will be all for now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I love you.


Monday, November 12, 2012

Running out of luck

Dear Mama,

I think I run out of luck. I don't know how we will go about tomorrow's needs, unless of course I go to Nanay's house again, making me more the loser that I am.

What will I do, Mama? I don't know where else to go. And I thought everything will be easy. I guess not, Mama. Things are harder, to be honest... because now I have to face them all by myself. I used to know what to do before, or at least I would have you around to ask.

But now... it's just me by my lonesome. I'm trying to survive, Mama. I'm trying my best.

I hope I can rely on more than just luck and sympathy.

It is tiring, Mama.


P.S. I love you, Mama.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

What am I doing wrong?

Dear Mama,

It's Sunday morning, eight o'clock. The kids are still asleep, I don't want to wake them up because I've no breakfast to serve them. Well, I don't plan to starve them, Mama. I am just planning to serve them brunch later so we can save something. Besides, they do need the rest especially Angel who always wake up at 5 a.m. from Monday to Friday to go to school.

What am I doing wrong, Mama? You know I don't have any vices, no unnecessary expenses, and even skipping lunch at work just to save, and yet I still can't make both ends meet. Am I the worst father and provider there is, Mama? I can't provide for the children's basic needs. I've run out of friends from I can borrow money just to support the kids. I already feel like I'm a thick-faced clown, Mama. And to think I am working with a good pay, yet it is still not enough to support the kids' schooling! When will this be over, Mama? Am I the worst father there is?

I'm sorry, Mama. I should just be talking about happy things to you. It will be your birthday soon and I should be preparing for it. I hope I can make something for it, Mama.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I'm sorry for my whining. I'm trying to do my best. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Friday, November 9, 2012

Not enough angels in heaven?

Earth's loss is heaven's gain

Dear Mama,

Sometimes I ask God if He doesn't have enough angels in heaven and He has to call you back early. I know, I don't have any right to ask Him, but you know me Mama, I just don't care whether it is right or wrong, I just have to spit it out. Maybe He really needed you there to help teach the cherubims. I guess, there's really nothing I can do about that.

Anyway, it will be your birthday in three week's time, Mama. I'm planning something special. No, not really a special food. I really don't know if I can cook this time since I don't have enough money this year. But I wrote a song for you, and I hope to finish the video and upload it on your birthday. I hope you will like it, Mama.

Well, I really don't have anything much to say today. I don't want to whine again. I just want to talk to you and say just about anything. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

What I would like right now

Dear Mama,

You know what I really like right now? I want to see you smile... hold your hands... and embrace you. Maybe it would make me feel that I can still go on.

I'm tired, Mama.


Monday, November 5, 2012

Please visit me in my dream

Please visit me in my dream, Mama.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Now what?

Dear Mama,

I don't know. I feel so down for no apparent reason, other than the obvious of course.

The kids are asleep, Edgar and Angel. Ralph is not at home right now. He'll go home tomorrow. It's past midnight right now.

It will be the start of second semester on Monday (tomorrow, literally). Angel will be having their exams in two week's time. Then it will be your birthday.

I'm not making sense in my letter right Mama, am I? I really don't know what to say. I just want to talk to you. I just wish I can see you right now. Anxiety kicking in.

I miss you, Mama. I wish I can hug you right now.


Thursday, November 1, 2012

It was nice visiting you again, Mama

Dear Mama,

It was nice visiting you again today at the cemetery. It's been awhile, I know. I'm sorry for not going there to visit you as often as I used to do. I'm really glad that I was able to go there again with the kids. Your families are there, although we did not see 'Ma. You know she can no longer go to crowded place like the cemetery during All Saints' Day, Mama.

Well, it was nice keeping in touch with your family again, Mama. You know I rarely see them too, aside from Christmas and special occasions where they invite us, we do not really see them.

Anyway, I do hope I can visit you as often, Mama. By the way, in just a few weeks, it will be your birthday again. I am not sure if I can prepare for it, especially for it being a regular working day and I cannot take a leave from work, but we will still celebrate it, Mama. Me and the kids, no matter how simple it may be, we will not let your birthday pass without making it special... in our own little way.

Well, I guess that will be all for now, Mama. The kids are already asleep. I will rest in a while too. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.