Friday, May 30, 2008

Another interview...

Dear Mama,

This morning, somebody called me on my cellphone. It was a certain Czarina, from a company in Subic. First she confirmed my name... then asked if I am already employed. When I said no, she asked if I am willing to work for them as an accountant.

This could have been a very welcome opportunity since it's the job that's coming for me. But I'm having second thoughts cause it's in Subic, Olongapo. I will be then be worried about the children if I work away from them. Anyway, I'm still not sure if I will be hired, as they are requesting for me to come on Monday, June 2, for an interview.

I asked her how she got number, she said from the internet. Maybe they got access to resumes uploaded in JobStreet and JobsDB. I asked for the address of their office, but after giving me the complete address she said that I should just text her when I'm there so they could just pick me up at the gate of SBMA.

This got me all too confused... why so much accommodation for a job interview? Are my chances bigger this time? But then, it's in Subic. Angel is excited actually, she wants me to work there. I'm half-hearted, you know the reason why. But I'll try to see it Monday since I'm not doing anything better on that day. I hope I'm doing the right thing. Please guide me Mama.

Take care Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Thursday, May 29, 2008

Why are Ralph's pancake better?

Dear Mama,

I cooked pancake for the kids this morning and I can't help but notice that Ralph's pancake are better than the one's I cooked. I would have waited for him to wake up so that he would be the one to cook, but they slept late last night. Besides, classes would start soon, then they would need to wake up early by then. So I let them wake up late for the remaining days of the vacations.

Anyway, just like the ginisang munggo, the children ate the pancakes as well when they woke up. Haaay Mama, from the time I wake up I would already think... "what would Mama have to cook for us if ever..." Everyday, the food would always be an endless questions of whats and hows. I miss your cooking. Cause everyday we would always eat fried, processed or canned goods. That's why I am sometimes worried about the kids' health. I wish I can cook real foods for them.

I'm sure you know the next line... I miss you Mama. Maybe I may look okay on the outside, but it's because you know that I'm not one who dragged everyone around by showing a gloomy disposition. Everything that I feel, I would just keep them to myself.

Well, I really can't say anything with sense now Mama. Typing on the keyboards without really knowing what to say. I am still without a job, no orders... nothing's change. I do hope things will change soon, for the sake of the children.

Take care of yourself Mama.

I love you.


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Remember the old times?

Dear Mama,

Here I am again, typing here on the keyboard without any significant things to say. Nothing big happened to us these past days. But you know what thought entered me while I am thinking of what to write to you today? Do you remember it Mama? When you were still in college, I would write 2 or 3 letters a week... yeah, I know you missed it when we got married.

Even though we see each other every weekend then, I still can't help but write you a letter. Even though I sometimes visit you during weekdays at your dorm... even though your dorm is actually just 30 minutes away from our town... my letters never fail. No matter what. I missed them too Mama.

Those reminders I always tell you... the frustrations I encountered in my life then... our dreams... apologies on our petty quarrels... and of course, those romantic words that every love-stricken boy would say to his lovely girl. Yes Mama, I'm thinking about them now, and I can't help but smile at the thought of those days. But they also bring sadness to my heart, because like you... they're just memories.

If I were only this intimate to you Mama when you were still here, instead of worrying on where to get the money for your next dialysis. If I were only this open, instead of being so uptight because of too much worries. If I can only bring back time...

Now, I'm writing you letters again... just like the old times...

I miss you Mama...

I love you


Friday, May 23, 2008

Missing you....

Dear Mama,

It's been more than 3 months now since you've been away, yet somehow I am still not used to it. Every day I'm still looking for you. Imagining your laughs... your voice... you songs... I miss you Mama.

I know things won't be the same as they were before. With the children growing without their mother... and I've already said, I really can't be the mother as you were to them.

Nobody can take your place Mama.

I guess, I really don't have anything special to say. I just want to say I miss you Mama.

Take care of yourself.

I love you.


Thursday, May 22, 2008

Finally, I was able to visit you....

Dear Mama,

Finally I was able to visit you in the cemetery today. I almost didn't make it because the rain started falling again... fortunately it was just a drizzle. It felt so calm while I was there, as if everything was fine. Maybe because you were there with me.

There was also no rain while I was there... yet it started falling as I walk away. There's only one thing I don't like about visiting you there Mama, it is I have to go home soon. I wish would stay there with you, cause it's so peaceful there. But I can't. So with heavy feet, and a heavier heart, that I walk away... going home to the kids.

I hope time would permit me to go back again soon.

I miss you Mama...

I love you.


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I'm sorry...

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry for not being able to visit you in the cemetery lately. It doesn't mean that I think of you less... you know that's not true. Somehow, I have been so disoriented lately that I don't know what to do next.

What with the kids fever marathon and other pressing matters that came my way... I was so confused that sometimes I just stare blankly at walls and not doing anything. Thinking of what to do to provide for the basic necessities, where to go, how, etc.

Every time I make a plan to visit you, something happens that prevent me from doing so, oftentimes I just turned blank and I forgot I was supposed to go.

I'm really very sorry Mama... I hope you're not upset nor disappointed with me. I promise to make time to visit more often. I just hope nothing comes in my way every time I plan to go.

Take care of yourself Mama. I really miss you.

I love you.


Sunday, May 18, 2008

Don't ask me why...

Dear Mama,

Happy anniversary! Today is our 22nd year! Do you still remember when you said yes to me 22 years ago today at the Jollibee branch in Dau? I knew you were so hesitant then, but I was so happy! I hope that if I will ask you again today, you will still say yes.

And last year, I was fortunate enough to fulfill one of your fondest wish, to see the sunset at Manila Bay. I was glad that I was able to take you there then... not knowing that it will be our last anniversary together.

I hope you still remember this poem Mama. I wrote it for you way back in 1999 and sent it you in your work via mail. You were surprised when you received it and I was very glad that you liked it. I'm sending it to you again Mama so that you may be able to read it once more. Every word that I wrote was meant to show how much I love you.

Don't Ask Me Why

Don't ask me why I love you,
I just do.
I love you not because you
love me back
I just do

Although I may not say it,
Sometimes It may not show,
But believe me,
I do

I love you not for the caring
Nor the thoughtfullness you've shown,
Not for being there
At times when I'm low!

Not for taking care of my children,
Not for making me a home
and not for being patient
of all my imperfections.

Please don't ask me for reasons
'cause I don't need them at all
Because loving you is itself the reason
And nothing else matters anymore

So don't ask me why I love you,
Because I do.

I hope you still like just as you do then. Happy Anniversary Mama! I miss you...

I love you


Thursday, May 15, 2008

My Ginisang Munggo, Iron Man, and the kids....

Dear Mama,

I intended to write last night, unfortunately I was so exhausted that I slept upon arriving home. Yesterday, the kids and I went to SM Clark to watch the movie Iron Man, cause I have promised them that once they all get well we're going to watch the movie.

As you know, they all got sick and the last weeks were very stressful and tiring for me. I was worried sick cause their fever has been recurring and I have no one here to help me. Fortunately, you were here and touched them. Had it not been for you, I know I wouldn't be able to take care of them. Thank you Mama.

So as I promised them, I took them to the Mall after EA's enrollment. Yes, they are all enrolled now for the next school year. After we had lunch at home, I asked them all to get ready and we headed for the mall and straight to the cinema to watch Iron Man. If you were with us, we could have watched The Forbidden Kingdom where Jacky Chan is, actually it was my choice too, unfortunately I was outvoted.

As usual, even before halfway thru the movie, the popcorns were already over. And I bought two big buckets at that! Anyway, everything went fine. Altho I was a bit worried because it was so cold inside the cinema, and they all just came from sickness. Luckily, they didn't have any problem, altho they all got cold. After the movie, we roamed around the mall and they played, I mean we played, a few games at the Quantum amusement center before we had our dinner at Kenny Roger's.

After dinner, we were about to go home when we met Lingyen their cousin and gave the kids P100 each. So instead of going home, they asked to go back to the amusement center where they played a few more games. After which, we finally went home at almost 8:00 PM where I went straight to sleep upon arriving home. I should really work on my stamina, I get tired easily lately.

But what I am most excited about Mama is that, I was able to cook for the kids the other day. I cooked Ginisang Munggo for them... whew! I thought it was just an easy dish, I was wondering as I was straining the beans, how come you were not complaining when you were cooking! I was worried too, because I thought it didn't turn out well... but as we were eating, they said that it was just fine. In fact, it was eaten up to last drop! So I can cook after all! Am now thinking of cooking more of real foods for them instead of just straight from the can to frying pan dishes, I know they need more healthy food.

I will tell you again once I cooked more real foods for them. But I know, nothing can substitute for your cooking... which are always appetizing, cause you cook them all with love.

Take care now Mama... I miss you.

I love you.


Saturday, May 10, 2008

Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mama,

It's your day today, Mama... Happy Mother's Day! This would be the first time we will be celebrating Mother's Day without you, and some celebration it turned out to be. Angel and Edgar are with Nanay to attend the fiesta in Paranaque, while Ralph is here with me, still sick.

Later, I will be taking him to the hospital for a check-up. He's quite well now, at least he has no fever. Unfortunately his throat isn't. He says it feels irritated and he has what he says appears to be blood in his phlegm. I do hope it is nothing serious Mama.

If you were only here with us, these things would not happen to the kids. I'm sorry for not taking good care of them Mama, believe I'm trying my best. They're your gift to me and like I promise you, I'll take good care of them. I just hope I would know what to do in situations like this.

I really miss you Mama. Take care of yourself.... Happy Mother's Day Mama!

I love you.


Friday, May 9, 2008

A day after my birthday....

Dear Mama,

Angel and EA are fine now, thanks for making them well. But now, it's Ralph who is still sick! I hope you're not mad or disappointed at me Mama. All of our kids got sick... I don't know what happened! First it was just Angel, then after a few days EA also got sick... and after a few days, Ralph had fever too!

I'm really sorry Mama, I'm doing my best to take care of them. I'm just glad that the two are fine now. Ralph is quite a different case, you know what I mean. When he is sick, he really wants to be attended to. I'm not complaining about that, in fact I'm glad that he does so I could take care of him better.

My birthday passed without any fuzz. I was supposed to take the kids to the movie yesterday, unfortunately they got sick so the planned movie trip was didn't push through. Maybe someday, we can go out again together.

I hope Angel and EA are really well now, because in the last few days their fever was on and off. I hope this time they really get well, I hope soon Ralph will be too. Please don't get tired of helping me.

Take care of yourself Mama... I, and the kids, miss you very much.

I love you.


Tuesday, May 6, 2008

A birthday favor....

Dear Mama,

I know I shouldn't be asking favor anymore as you should be resting now, but I really need your help right now. Tomorrow will be my birthday, it was never a big deal to me before, you know that. But since I'm in a predicament right now, I hope you won't mind me using this occasion to seek a favor.

Mama, Angel and EA are having fever on and off these last few days. I'm trying my best to take care of them - medicines, foods, drinks, attention and all, but they don't seem to get well. I'm really trying to recall what it is that you do differently for them to heal quickly, aside from a mother's love that only you can give.

Mama, please... as a birthday gift for me, make them well Mama. I promised to take them to the movie on my birthday, but I can't do that now because they are sick. Please Mama, make our children strong again. I don't know what to do anymore. I know you're the only one who can make them well.

And lastly, if it's not too much for you, will you come visit me on my birthday? I really don't how, but I'm sure you know what I mean. I hope I can feel your presence on my birthday... cause I really miss you Mama.

Take care of yourself now... I love you.


Sunday, May 4, 2008

I am not their mother...

Dear Mama

Angel is getting better now, although quite slowly. Unfortunately, Edgar got sick too. I'm worried so much Mama, and also ashamed of myself. I felt somehow it proves that I can't take care of our children. I love them very much, you know that, and would do anything for them. I already know then, while you were still here, that I can't be their mother. Yours is too big a shoes to fill in.

I'm finding out lately that it's much bigger than I thought. While I love them no less, I can't give them the tender loving care that you, and only you, can give them. Especially now that they are getting sick. When you were here, their fever doesn't last more than 48 hours. Like magic, your touch seems to help them get well quick. They may not tell me, I know they miss you Mama, especially in times like these.

I hope that they get well soon, please help me Mama. Much as I like to fill in your shoes, only you can do what you can do... and only you can give what you gave us.

In a few days time, it will be Mother's Day. Maybe it's too early for me, but let me greet you an advance Happy Mother's Day Mama. There could never be a better mother for my children. You are the best mother any child could have. Too bad you have leave them early... to me.

Take care of yourself Mama. I miss you.

I love you Mama.



Friday, May 2, 2008

Failed interview

Dear Mama,

I failed the interview today at SM. There wasn't any available position in the first place. I was scheduled at 1:30 PM, I came at around 11:30 AM... and waited. When it was already 1:30 PM, I waited some more... and then, waited some more. I was interviewed finally at around 4:00 PM. Only to be told that there wasn't any available position for me!

They made me travel all the way from Angeles City to Pasay, just to be told there's no vacancy. They know I was applying for Clark branch, and Clark was already filled before they call me. I had to borrow money (again) from Nanay for my transportation, just to attend and make good on the scheduled interview. And then...

But what really frustrates me is that I have to leave Angel who still has fever. It has been more than 3 days now, and her on-off fever worries me. I thought she was already fine, because the whole day yesterday she was already playing. And then this morning, she was hot again. I know I'm suppose to take her to the doctor already, but because of the scheduled interview I can't.

When I came home tonight at around 7:00 PM, she was already fine. She is already asleep now, but as I checked her she seem to be slightly hot again. Please Mama, make Angel well. Help me take care of her. She's the only source of my strenght now. Please make her well Mama... please.

I have to go now, I'm really tired from all those frustrations I had for the day. I hope something would happen to us soon.

Take care of yourself Mama, I miss you.

I love you.



Thursday, May 1, 2008

My Interview Tomorrow

Dear Mama,

It's past midnight and I still don't know what to write. I just want to tell you that tomorrow... err I mean later this afternoon, I will have an interview at SM Head Office in Mall Of Asia. So I have to leave the children again here... will you look after them while I go to the interview?

I'm trying my best not to let my letters to you be too emotional... really. But every time I try to talk to you thru this blog, I misses you the more! It's really funny that sometimes I find myself talking myself... talking to you actually, but since you're not here, it appears that I'm talking to myself. I make sure that no one sees me though.

Everyday is a struggle for me. What to do? What to eat? Where to get this? What to do with that? I can't seem to get a grip of my senses... why am I so lost? I used to be organized, you know that. I always know what to do... but now, I don't know anything. Have I really lost it? Please help me Mama. I wish you can visit me in my dreams, or at least whisper to me in my sleep.

Wish me luck for the interview tomorrow Mama. Please do take a look at the children while I'm away. Take care of yourself Mama. I miss you... I love you.