I'm sorry, I know I said I will not bother you anymore. But I just need someone to talk to right now and there's just nobody here. I've been wanting to write you a letter since the day after I said I won't write anymore but I was just controlling myself. Unfortunately, I was not able to control myself now.
I'm tired, Mama. I'm tired of being rejected, I'm tired of my failures, I'm tired of being turned down, I'm tired of being alone. I wish I can be with you right now, Mama. I want to give up, Mama.
I need you... and I miss you.
I love you, Mama.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Monday, August 12, 2013
I really thought about this long and hard... it was not easy, but I guess I have to make a decision. This will be my last letter, Mama.
No, it is not because I found a new love. You know that’s not the reason, Mama. Although I admit that I tried to pursue someone as I’ve told you in a previous letter and how I was turned down. Honestly, I don’t think I will ever attempt again nor even think of finding a new one. I will just focus on the kids, Mama. There is no other one, and no one can replace you, Mama.
I am putting a stop to this letter-writing because you should be at rest, Mama. You have done enough for us when you were still here, it’s very selfish of me to disturb you and even ask you to do things for us when you should already be at peace.
You left because you were confident that I will be able to go on and continue raising our kids. You knew that I will take good care of them as I promised you. You trusted me, that is why you left. If it weren’t for that trust, I’m sure you would have fought just to stay no matter how much it was hurting you... no matter how much pain you were going through... you would have stayed.
But you knew I will never let you down... you knew I will be able to take care of the kids as I promised you. I’m trying my best, Mama. I do. I am far from the best father award, I know, but I’m trying my best... just as I promised you, Mama.
Ralph, as you know, is now attending his review class in Manila in preparation for the board exam in October. That’s just two months from now, Mama. After that, we will have another CPA in the family. He is doing fine, he passed the pre-board and was even included in the Top 100 of CPAR, landing number 94 as I wrote to you last week. The last time we talked, he was already applying for jobs there, Mama. I hope he finds a good company to work for.
Edgar is very active in school, in fact he just arrived home right now from their choir practice. It’s already past 10 p.m., Mama. Tomorrow, he’ll go to school early again to attend a meeting about their sports fest and probably they will have another choir practice in the evening again. He is also a member of two newspapers in their school – the engineering newspaper and the university newspaper. He is on his third year in college now, Mama.
Our little baby is not to be left out, Mama. Angel is also active in her class and is almost always a leader every time they are having a group activity. She is also taking her studies seriously and plans to take up education in college. She said she will be taking English as her major and eventually take up law. Our Angel wants to be a lawyer, Mama.
Thus far, they are doing well Mama. Of course, it’s not always a smooth ride for us as there are always rough roads. Neither is it always a peaceful house here because every now and then we get at each others’ nerves. Yes Mama, including me. Nonetheless, we’re sticking it out, Mama. I won’t let anything get out of control.
Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m making the right decision right now but as I’ve said, I’m being unfair to you for still bothering you for the last five years. It’s really difficult for me to say goodbye again, but I know I have to go on. You are at peace now and you should be at rest. You left not because you didn’t love me, you left because you love me too much and believe I can go on and continue where you left off.
I hope I am making you proud so far, Mama. I hope I am doing even just an average job on being both a father and a mother to our three kids. I hope I will be strong enough and not easily give up when faced with difficulties. I hope I will always stay sane.
I will try to remember everything that you told me, Mama... everything that you taught me. I will try to control my temper and not always shout at the kids... that Jellyace is a good remedy for LBM... that it is always good to sauté almost every food that I cook... and that I should always believe in myself.
I’m sorry for all the troubles and pains I’ve brought to you when you were still here... and I’m sorry for still disturbing you now in heaven. Thank you for everything, Mama. Thank you for the love... thank you for the trust... thank you for believing in me... and most of all, thank you for giving me a second chance.
I know someday, we will be together again in a place that you have prepared for us. I am looking forward to that, Mama. That will be the day that we will never be apart from each other again.
Sorry for this long letter. Since this is my last letter, I know I should say everything that I need to say. I have already said a mouthful but I still feel I haven’t said enough. Words are really just not enough, Mama. You did everything for me... for us... while you were still here and even after you already ‘went home.’
Thank you for everything, Mama. I hope I will be with you soon. Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you.
I love you, Mama.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
I've been trying to write to you these past few days, but every time I open my account and attempt to start a letter, I don't know what to say. It's not that I don't have anything to say, Mama. I have a lot to tell you - the kids are all quite busy this past week. Ralph went home, had a tooth extracted and was still the same old vulnerable Ralph. Edgar was busy with his extracurricular activity, in fact he's out today and braved the storm to attend another general assembly. Angel will be having their periodical test.
But, is it really right to continue disturbing you until this time, Mama? Should I stop writing all these letters and let you really rest? I know, sometimes I don't make sense and all I do is whine, all the more reason for me to stop burdening you when you should be at peace.
I'm sorry, Mama. I'm sorry for all the troubles and disappointments I've caused you... even until now. I think I should just let you rest.
I miss you, Mama.
I love you.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
When Angel came from home school this afternoon, she said she was told by her teacher that I can no longer apply for promissory note because I was not able to pay the full amount last time. What am I to do, Mama? We still are not going to receive our salary and Angel will be having their exams already!
Why are things like this happening to me, Mama? Am I such a bad person that karma is tossing me around? I can't go on anymore, Mama. I want to give up.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Angel now feels better. Thank you for helping me take care of her, Mama. She can go to school tomorrow. I did not send her to school today because she was still sick this morning. I'm sorry I was not able to take good care of our kids, Mama. I knew they would be better off if they were with you.
I wish you're still here, Mama.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
I received a very good news today, Ralph passed the pre-board and is even ranked No. 94 in their school's Top 100. I know that's a reason to celebrate, Mama. I am happy and proud of our son but right now I am also worried. Mama, Angel is sick and I don't know what to do. Help me make her well, Mama.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Good morning! It's 7:23 a.m. and the kids are still sleeping. Ralph is here, he went home yesterday. It's Edgar's turn now to be away, though. He attended another overnight team building in school, but he'll be back home today. He is very active and is joining a lot of activities in school, Mama. That is why he had to resign from his work. He needed to choose because one is affecting the other. I'm glad Edgar is wise enough to choose school activities. He is also not failing on his academics, Mama.
Well, that's really all the good stuff for now Mama. So I guess I better stop now. I will be waking the kids up in a while so they can have their breakfast. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.
I love you, Mama.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
I don't know if I'm feeling cold because I'm going to have a flu or it's just really old age. But I know I'm not feeling well, Mama. I feel so low.
Anyway, Edgar has resigned from his work in Jollibee so he can pursue extra-curricular activities in school. He is now joining the university choir, Mama. On top of the university and college newsletters where he is already a part of. He went to school early today because he said they will have a practice for a cultural presentation. I hope he will develop his talent, as well as his self-confidence there.
Angel is also active in her class. Although she is really requesting that I transfer her to another school, Mama. There must really be something wrong with her school now. I'm seriously considering it because I have already witnessed some of her complaints during the PTA meeting. Ralph is doing well, Mama... I guess. His only problem there is financial because I cannot really send him money. I know this will all pass, Mama.
Well, that's it for now, Mama. It's raining here now. Take care of yourself, Mama. Until my next letter. I miss you, Mama.
I love you.