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Monday, February 22, 2021

is this what getting old feels?

Dear Mama,


It's 4 a.m. right now, and I'm having my coffee before I prepare for work.  It's raining right now, although it's just a drizzle. I hope it will stop later so I can walk on my way to the office.

You know I need my daily walk, Mama. It's the only exercise I have right now. I've been feeling a lot lately. Yesterday, as I was picking up the laundry, my lower back suddenly hurt. And the pain never left, since. This must be what growing old really is. 

Oh, well... I guess it's inevitable. I will have to face it. Anyway, that will be all for now, Mama. I guess I need to stop now before I start whining again. 

I miss you, Mama. 

I love you. 



Daddy 

Friday, February 19, 2021

Do I have vertigo?

Dear Mama,


I hope you are well as you read this. I hope I am just being paranoid, Mama. Yesterday, I woke up at around 2 a.m. and went to the toilet. When I came back to lie again, I suddenly felt dizzy and everything seems to be moving. I don't know if I was in pain, but I was surprised, Mama. Then I lay still and waited until the dizziness and the movement around me subsided. It was quite a long spell, Mama. I felt light-headed after that. I can't even tell if I had a headache or not. Then when I tried to move, I felt dizzy again. So, I kept still.

As I went to work yesterday, I was observing myself. Every now and then I felt dizzy, or that "spinning" feeling again. But not as intense as what I felt at around 2 a.m. All throughout the day while I was working, I seem to have forgotten about it and did not feel anything. I don't know if I was just too busy or what.

Last night, however, I felt that "spinning" feeling again. Then again, this morning at around 1:30 a.m. There are "" mini" episodes in-between, and until now. I am just not sure if it is just me being paranoid.

Anyway, Ralph is back home. He went home last week just in time for our visit to you at La Pieta last Sunday, February 14, which was your anniversary. He opted to stay here since they are still on a work-from-home set up.

Edgar, will start in his new job this Monday in Clark. It's an I.T. company. I hope it will be a better company and he will stay there longer. I will be adjusting again, because I already got used to him helping me here at home. But, he needs to work for his future. 

Angel is still staying at home. I guess she's still searching for her path. But it's okay, Mama. I'm not rushing her. I can still take care and provide for her. I just hope she will be stable once I have my chance to follow you.

I guess that will be all for now, Mama. Sorry for writing you a long letter. Please take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama. 

I love you. 



Daddy 

Saturday, February 6, 2021

Feeling drained again

Dear Mama,

I would like to apologize in advance, I'm sorry I am writing in this tone again. I feel drained again. I don't know if it's because it's the month of your death anniversary, or it's because of the realization that up until this time I have not really accomplished anything worthwhile or tangible.

I feel sorry for our children, Mama. I feel like I have not prepared them well enough. I'm worried about them. I know it's all my fault. I have been a weak father to them. I'm sorry, Mama.

I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go.

I wish you were here, Mama.

I'm really sorry.


Daddy