Stupid once again...

Dear Mama,

I feel like an idiot! I'm beginning to hate myself. I'm once a stupid to the nth degree! I wish all of these would stop so I can focus on the kids.

If only you were here Mama, none of this hurting would even exist.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I got rained on...

Dear Mama,

I got rained on, on my way home. Of course I wasn't bringing any umbrella, Mama. It wasn't raining when I left the house this morning. Upon reaching our house, I felt my head ached and I also felt cold. I hope I won't get fever or the flu. I need to work tomorrow.

I already took medicine, Mama. I know I have to take care of myself. I might sleep early tonight, to be sure. I hope everything around me will get better soon, Mama. I really wish for it.

Until my next letter, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Still waiting...

Dear Mama,

I'm still waiting for the result of the songwriting contest. I don't know why I am even waiting. It's not that I'm expecting, Mama. I know it's a long shot, but I can't dream, can't I!?

I could use a hug right now, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

What can I tell you this time?

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry. I know I haven't written for quite a while. It's not that I'm really busy, you know I will always find time if I wanted to, Mama. It's just that I was too lazy, distracted and disorganized. I am not sure if I should do the stories, write new songs, clean the house, start work on another book, etc., etc., and in the process, I was not able to accomplish anything, Mama.

I know, I should focus. I'm trying, Mama.

Last night, I had fever. Or at least I felt that I had fever. Good thing, I felt better when I woke up this morning. One thing that worries me Mama is this recurring headache and I am always feeling sleepy. I hope I can find time to exercise. Maybe if I can get more physical activities, I would feel better.

Well, I really do not have anything much to say right now, Mama. The songwriting contest finalists were not announced yet. So that means I still have a chance... or not. Anyway, the results are not yet out.

I guess, I have to stop now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Angel's cooking, Edgar will audition, and Ralph will be Ralph

Dear Mama,

I don't know if I told you already, Angel is now doing some cooking too. Since I started working and coming home late, she now cooks our dinner. Provided, of course, that everything is ready and available for her. She just cooks rice and some easy-to-cook foods that require a little frying. Although, burnt foods like scramble eggs are often present, at least she's trying, Mama.

Edgar, will be auditioning today for the choir in his school. I hope he passes, Mama. I want him to pass so that he will get more trainings and exposures. We both know that he is musically inclined, which I admit he got from you. Sometimes though, he doesn't like to admit it, despite his guitar playing skills and his good singing voice. The choir will hone him and boost his self-esteem, Mama.

And Ralph, oh well, he will always be the Ralph that we used to know, Mama. Playful and stubborn. But he steps up where it counts, Mama. He will be graduating again next year, for his 5th year in accounting, then he will take his review class and the board exam. I just hope I would know how to guide him.

Mama, today is the announcement of the grand finalists for the Himig Handog Songwriting Contest of ABS-CBN. I know I should not be expecting but, wouldn't it be great if I actually made it this time, Mama? Wishful thinking, I know. But I can dream, can't I? I just want you to be proud of me, Mama.

Guess that will be all for now, Mama. At least I would end my letter on a positive note. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you so much.

I love you.


Daddy

Headache...

Dear Mama,

I woke up late today, around 9 a.m., although I stood up at around 9:30 a.m. I have a headache, must be from the hangover I have. I went home around 4 a.m. this morning, after going out with a friend who is celebrating his birthday. I already took medicine, Mama. I hope I'll feel better later in the day so I can do everything I planned to do today.

Anyway, the kids woke up late too. So, we'll be having brunch again in a while. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Sorry Mama

I'm sorry, Mama. I just had to let off some steam.

I over-reacted again

Dear Mama,

I came home last night at around 7:00 p.m., earlier than my usual time of going home. I was excited because I would be having dinner with the kids since I knew they are all at home. It was dark in the street because of the blackout. Imagine my surprise when I found out that it was only Ralph who was at home, Mama.

He said Edgar went to his classmate and Angel took the dog out for a walk. I was so mad, Mama. Imagine, the weather is not really fine because of the continuous rain, and as I've said it was so dark outside. I immediately went out to look for Angel. While outside, I called Edgar and told him to come home immediately.

Honestly, I did not know where to look for Angel. It was so dark and you really cannot see anything outside. I walked around Marisol and I did not find Angel. All the while, I was trying to call Ralph on his phone but I cannot get through because he was talking to his girlfriend. I was partly relieved when the power went back, but I still haven't seen Angel.

I went home and found the children all there. I was so mad and again was shouting, Mama. I'm really sorry. I can't help it. I was worried sick, and I did not like what they did.

After that, Mama, I felt dizzy. I am not sure if it's my BP brought about my outburst. I slept early last night because I was not well. I was afraid, because I knew I am no longer as healthy as I thought I was. But what I really fear is going through all these alone. I need you, Mama. Please be here.

I love you.


Daddy

The day I stop writing letters

Dear Mama,

The day that I stop writing these letters... will be the day I will be with you.

And it won't be long, Mama. I promise.


Daddy

Please tell me why I should not end my life

Dear Mama,

Please tell me why? Tell my why I should not end my life. She said she was not ready, so I waited for a few months. Today, I came to see her after work in the hospital because she was at night duty. I was happy because she smiled when she saw me... I thought I had the chance. Only to find out that she's happy because someone is making her happy. Yes Mama, Gail already has a special someone... and I'm too late again.

Why Mama? Why am I not worthy?

Is it a cause for alarm?

Dear Mama,

You know how I've been telling you how I'm not feeling well, cold and weak, right? This afternoon, my friend Roland brought his electronic BP gauge in the office and checked my blood pressure. The screen on the device registered 135 over 102. I know that is not my normal BP, but should I be alarmed, Mama?

I thought what I was feeling was just tension from the anxieties I've had this past few weeks, that is why I was sure I would be okay. I shouldn't have let him read my BP, at least I wouldn't know. I do not like to worry about it, Mama. I was adviced to consult a doctor, but I don't know. You know how I really do not like going to doctors, Mama.

If only I could hold your hand, this fear would vanish. I know I am okay. I have to be okay. Perhaps the device misread my BP, I would like to think it did. I can't be sick, especially since you're not here. I'm talking nonsense again. I'm sorry, Mama. It's just too difficult to be alone in times like this. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Cold and weak

Dear Mama,

The rainy days and too much anxieties are taking their toll on me. I feel cold and weak, Mama. I wish you're here by my side right now., taking care of me. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy