Dear Mama,

Today is the first day of the new year. I really do not know if I should be worried or be excited. Honestly Mama, right now my heart is filled with anxiety. Our baby will be turning 18 in eight days, and as I told you before, she is drifting away from me. I can feel it.

Within two weeks too, Ate Let will be coming home. Although she will be staying in Pampang, she might visit us to see her house. I do not know what she will say once she sees her house in chaos, she might ask us to move out because we did not take care of her house.

I really do not know what to think now, Mama. My head is full of stuff and I cannot sort them out.

I'm losing it, Mama. I need you.

Daddy

Mama, I feel like I'm losing the battle... if I haven't lost it yet.

I'm sorry, Mama.

Dear Mama,

We had our Christmas party earlier and we finished before midnight. At first I was worried because it looked like Angel does not want to participate, but as the party progressed, I was glad that she was back to the usual little girl who was enjoying her daddy's company. Thank God, the party went well, Mama. I am not sure until when I will be able to pull this off, Mama. I am not sure until when our children will cooperate.

But it was a fun party, Mama. I wish you were here. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Merry Christmas!

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I asked Angel what she wanted to do for her 18th birthday. She was less enthusiastic and she really was not in the mood to celebrate her special day. It's less than 3 weeks from now, Mama and I still do not have anything. I am not sure if it's because she knows there's really nothing I can do and I cannot afford to give her a nice celebration as a debutante, or it is because she is really drifting away from me. I just want to make our baby feel special, Mama. I am sorry.

Tomorrow's Christmas eve. We will once again have our Christmas and continue the tradition you had started then, Mama.

I hope everything will be alright.

I'm barely hanging, Mama.

I need you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

It's just 5 days before Christmas, and it's just 4 days before our Christmas party. I promise to continue doing it as long as I can, Mama. It is one way for us to remember you and celebrate the love you showed and left us. So far, I just planned the theme. We already have the t-shirts and the program but I am still not finished with the food for the noche buena. I still do not know what to prepare, Mama. I just hope I will be able to come out with ideas on time.

The kids are already on vacation, Mama. I still have until Wednesday to work. After that, I will also be on vacation until New Year. Ralph will come home on Tuesday evening, although he might leave again on the 26th, knowing his line of work and how dedicated he is to his tasks.

Well, that will be all for now, Mama. I will update you on the developments of the preparation for the Christmas party. As usual, I wish you are still here with us especially on special days like this. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I've been attempting to write since Wednesday, but every time I logged in I do not know what to say, or rather, how to say it. I've been going through a roller coaster, Mama. I am not sure if it's because of Angel, outside factors, or it's midlife crisis. My mind is going like a whirlwind, Mama. There're a lot happening inside, all at the same time.

I wish I can be more specific and clear, Mama. Sorry, I'm talking vaguely. I honestly do not understand what's going on, like I said, it's a roller coaster.

Sorry, Mama. If only I can hug you right now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Exactly one month from today, our Angel will be turning 18. We do not have anything yet, Mama. I still do not know what to do or what to give her. Everything is still in limbo. I am not even sure if she wants to celebrate with us. I feel like she wants to celebrate with someone else. It looks like my role in her life is already over. I am nothing now but a mere provider, Mama.

Sorry. What am I saying?! I think I'll go to sleep now, Mama.

I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Happy anniversary!

Today could have been our 24th year... I could have done more, Mama. I could have shown you more, I could have taken care of you better... I could have proven my myself more worthy of your love and trust.

Thank you very much for everything, Mama. Happy anniversary!

I love you, Mama... and I miss you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I was looking at our wedding album earlier and I cannot help smiling while trying to hold back the tears in my eyes. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary, It could have been our 24th year, Mama. I am thankful and grateful that you have trusted me. I just wish I were a better husband to you, that I could have taken care of you better... you could have been here with me celebrating our anniversary. 

It's past 8 in the evening and I am alone at the house, Edgar and Angel are still not home. I don't mind being alone, Mama but I cannot help worry about our Angel. She's been out late frequently, all because of school projects and activities. If these reasons are killing me, what more when she learns to go out and hang out with friends? Am I overreacting, Mama?

Anyway, I hope they'll be here soon. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you. Happy anniversary.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

My hands feel better now, although it's not the same anymore. I feel pain every time I try to raise my arms high. I hope this is not something serious, Mama. 

But that is not what I am worried about right now, Mama. I am worried about Angel. She's okay, Mama. I don't know if I am just overreacting but I feel like she's drifting away from me. I feel like I'm a bad father, Mama.

I'm sorry. I knew they would be better off if you are here with them instead of me. I'm really sorry, Mama.

Wish you were here.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I'm having a hard time moving my fingers on my right hand.

help me mama