I did not allow Angel...

Dear Mama,

Edgar is already enrolled. I'm glad he was allowed to enroll in spite of the minimal payment we gave. At least I would have some time to think of finding more money for his succeeding installments. Ralph has a chance of having his OJT grade for 1st semester be reconsidered. That is if the company he worked with cooperate. I hope so.

Mama, I did not allow Angel today to go out with her classmate. She said they will be going to Carmenville to get their costumes, although I know that it will not be their main intention but to go trick or treating there. She was already in her classmate's house when she asked through text. I just cannot allow her to go out yet, Mama. I knew she was disappointed because she was sad when I came home.

I tried explaining to her why I can't let her go. She was not arguing, she was just quiet, Mama. To make up for it, I took her with me to the grocery and bought her some candies. She was already fine when we got home.

The kids are growing up fast, Mama. I just wish I can keep up with them.

That'll be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Will it ever get better?

Dear Mama,

Tomorrow, Edgar will be enrolled. Although I won't be able to pay the full entrance fee required, but I hope he will be enrolled. Ralph will also get his class schedule tomorrow and talk to the dean so that his OJT would be reconsidered. Otherwise, I would have to pay another P5,000 for his OJT fee this semester and he will be having his hands full attending it instead of just focusing on his academics.

I thought I will be okay for a while. Unfortunately, Angel will be having their exams on November 16. That means I need to pay again for her tuition fee. Looks like I will be signing another promissory note.

When will this end? To think I do not have any vices and no unnecessary expenses. Our only indulgence is food, Mama. You know that, right? Should I cut on it too? I already cut my coffee. In fact, I didn't buy coffee when my stock run out.

I'm not complaining, Mama. I'm sorry. I'm trying to be strong and hopefully I will make it and let all our kids finished their schooling. I will do everything I can to fulfill my promise to you, Mama. I'm sorry if I am whining sometimes.

I wish I can hold your hands or embrace you right now. I really need it... I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I'm trying to hold on

I'm trying to hold on, Mama. I'm trying to be strong at the midst of all these things. I hope I can make it, Mama. Help me, please.

Ralph is already enrolled, but Edgar isn't

Dear Mama,

Ralph is enrolled. But I haven't raised the money yet for Edgar's enrollment. I am still waiting for the miracle... it's all I can hope for right now, Mama. I'm sorry, like what I've said before, I've run out of luck.

I am still trying to figure out why am I always in this predicament and what am I doing wrong, Mama. I wish I can be a better father to our kids. I'm sorry if I am failing you.

It's just too hard to continue, Mama. I wish you're near me now. I need you, Mama.


Daddy

I need you now, Mama

Dear Mama,

I’m writing this letter at the office now and I will send it to you later when I get home. I just want to talk to you, Mama. I really wish I can talk to you right now. I don’t know what’s happening but it feels like the land I’m standing on is getting smaller or that I have painted myself to the corner. I’ve nowhere to go, Mama.

If I’ve done anything wrong, at least I wouldn’t be as confused as I am right now. I am not sure Mama, but I know I didn’t do anything wrong to be in a predicament like this. It feels like I can’t do anything right. Everything I do always make things worse. What’s happening to me, Mama? Am I cursed? Is this karma?

All my life, I’ve nothing but good intentions for all the people around me. I try not to harbor any ill feelings towards any person, even those who I believe have done me wrong. But as it is, any effort I do is either misinterpreted or taken for granted once I make an inadvertent blunder. I know I am no saint Mama, but I am definitely not the devil-incarnate. But why are these things happening to me right now?

I’m sorry I’m at it again, Mama. I can’t help it. Being all alone, facing all these problems by myself and as if that is not enough, I have to be hit from all sides. I don’t even know where to run or who to trust. Why don’t I just die, Mama? So that I will be with you instead.

Yes. The kids, I know. I’m sorry. I’m being too selfish. But I’m really tired, Mama. I can’t be strong forever. I just can’t.

I really wish you’re here, Mama. I miss you… I need you.


Daddy


p.s. I love you, Mama.

I've run out of luck

Dear Mama,

It seems I've run out of lock. I can't seem to find the solution to my problem. Please help me, Mama.


Daddy

I wish I would dream of you tonight

Dear Mama,

I miss you. I wish I would dream of you tonight, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I'm sorry, Mama... I'm a failure

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry I failed you. I'm a failure as a father, Mama. I'm a worthless father. I can't provide for their needs... I can't guide them well... I can't do anything right! I'm really sorry, Mama.


Daddy

Sundae with the kids

Dear Mama,

Just got home, it's already past 11 p.m. I took the kids to McDonald's for sundae. Of course, once we're already there, they also ordered other stuff. I thought of taking them out because Angel and Edgar had a disagreement and I shouted at Edgar. It's my way of breaking the tension. I hope it's okay, Mama.

Still haven't found money for Ralph's tuition fee. I'm still praying for miracles, Mama. Help me pray.

Until my next letter, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Looks like I won't make it

Dear Mama,

Looks like I've run out of luck. I was able to pay for Edgar's balance for the 1st sem, but I still haven't raised money for Ralph's balance, and soon it will be enrollment for 2nd sem once again. I thought I will be okay with my new job. Unfortunately, everything's still hanging in air, Mama. I'm trying to look for source elsewhere but I can't seem to find one.

Of course, the kids don't know it. They do not have to worry. They still don't skip meals, Mama. You don't have to worry about that. They will be taken care of as I have promised you. Maybe, I'll find a way somehow... I hope.

It's 6 p.m. now, Mama. It will be dinner time. The kids are cooking, since they'll just be cooking instant noodles, so I just let them do the cooking. Most of time, actually Mama. I would just cook when I will be preparing something special for them, which has been very rare lately.

Pray that I will survive this week, Mama.

Until my next letter. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

It's just another Manic Monday

Dear Mama,

Do you still remember the song Manic Monday? Remember how it was like a theme song to us then, Mama? Because every Monday you'd be going to San Fernando and we won't see each other again for a week. Looks like I'm singing it again this time, Mama. I really don't feel like proceeding to Monday. Actually, I don't feel like going on with my life anymore.

I'm just pretending to be strong, Mama. For the sake of the people around me. But being strong is tiring. Whatever I do, nothing right happens. I don't think even the honest of intentions won't serve me well. I'm all fucked up, Mama. I really can't go on.

I wish I can be with you right now.


Daddy

Happy Teacher's Day, Mama!

Dear Mama,

Happy Teacher's Day! You were one of the most dedicated teacher I ever knew. I'm sure, little angels up there in heaven are now very happy for having one of the best teachers who came to them.

I miss you, Mama. Take Care.

I love you.


Daddy