Will this ever end?

Dear Mama,

Today is my third day of working from home. If there weren't too much restrictions going outside, I will be feeling better. You know I don't like going out, Mama, but the reasons for all this lock down is what's driving me crazy. Everyday I am always afraid that things will get worse as I wake up in the morning. And so far, my fear is not without basis, Mama. It is actually getting worse.

Right now, it is still just me and Angel here, and with only Chuchi and Fluffy accompanying us. Venz was laid to rest yesterday. Have you met him yet, Mama? He is a sweet dog, with soulful eyes. I'm sure you will love him once you get to meet him.

We're almost running out of food here, Mama. We are just buying from small stores near us. I hope they won't be told to close soon as what they did in other areas. Otherwise, we won't be having anything to eat. They say supermarkets are open, but the lines are long because they only let limited number of people in at a time. I might go out tomorrow to the supermarket. I hope it is still being allowed, Mama.

I'm tired. Just thinking all about it is exhausting me, Mama. What will happen tomorrow?

Ralph is at work, also trapped in their place. He said he will be working from his apartment. They gave him a laptop, but he's not sure if they will be assisting him to go back to his apartment. There are no public transports available.

Edgar is still in Masbate. He said quarantine is being implemented there too. He seems okay. According to him, he's doing fine. I do hope he is, Mama.

I'm barely holding on to my wit. Without anyone to talk to, and there's nothing I can do. I feel weak, Mama.

I wish I was as strong as you were, Mama.

I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Up and down... my anxiety goes

Dear Mama

It's been a roller coaster ride since last week, and it's consuming me, triggering my anxiety to heights I have never been before. I am trying to fight it so as not to affect those who are around me, especially Angel.

Last Saturday, we had our speech contest for the Division level where I competed again for the Humorous and International speech category. Again, I lost. Again, I was denied. I got only second place in Humorous and third place in the International category. Maybe I should stop trying, Mama. Maybe I am not really as good as I thought I was. Maybe I really do no have it in me. Maybe I'm really just a loser.

And this whole pandemic thing blowing up on our face. I am now working from home, we brought our computers home last Tuesday. We do not have enough food supply, and just buying whatever we can from the sari-sari stores and karinderya near us. It's driving me crazy, Mama. I don't know how long this will last.

This morning, our dog Venz died. He has been weak since this weekend, and I was not able to take care of him. I did not know what to do. He would often look at me, whenever I call his name, but he wouldn't eat. At around 6 a.m. earlier, he rested. Please say sorry for me when you meet him there, Mama. We were not able to take good care of him. He was a special dog.

Now, I don't know what to feel anymore. My mind is tired, my heart is anxious. Ralph is still in Pasig, and Edgar is still in Masbate. I have never felt this much anxiety, Mama. I wish you were here.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Why am I feeling this way?

Dear Mama,

Here I am again. It's 4:30 p.m. now, I just came home from work. I have already done a little cleaning, I mean just a little. Angel is sleeping now, she probably slept just around 2 p.m. that's why I'm not waking her up.

It's just me and Angel at home now. Edgar is still in Masbate and he doesn't know until when he'll stay there. Ralph, of course, is working in BGC although he said he'll go home this weekend. 

I feel anxious, Mama. I don't feel good, nor happy. I don't know what's bothering me. I should be happy and contented right now because all our kids have already graduated. Unfortunately, I am not. 

I just wish this feeling would just go away, Mama. I'm tired of all these. Help me, Mama. 

Wish you were here. I could use a hug right now. 

I miss you, Mama. 

I love you. 

Daddy

...and off Edgar goes

Dear Mama,

Today Edgar goes to Masbate. Barely 2 weeks in his new job, he is already assigned to a place more than 600 kms away from home, and he is not even sure until when he'll be there.

I don't know about the place, but I hope he'll be okay there, Mama. Please look after him while he is there. He will be meeting new people, and will be immersed in a totally different culture. I hope he'll be around people with good-heart who will not take advantage of him.

It will just be me and Angel at home now. She still has no plans, but working on her drawing and painting skills. She also wants to develop her skill in photography although she is only using her phone camera.

Ralph is going 3 months in his new company. He probably must be okay. He won't be going home this weekend.

Me? I'm okay. I just lost again in the speech contest. I just landed second place, Mama. Funny thing, I always get the audience, but I never get the judges' nod.

Anyway, that will be all for now, Mama. I wish I can be with you soon. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

Dear Mama,

I'm tired, confused, and weak. I am closest to the edge than I have ever been, Mama. I am not sure how much longer I can still hold on. Everything seems to be falling apart, Mama.

Until when?

Dear Mama,

How are you doing? I hope you're okay. Sorry for not writing as much as I did. I really do not want to bother you because I understand you should be resting.

It's October 10 today, Monday. I'm at home while writing this letter because we have no work today. It's the Monday after La Naval Fiesta. Edgar is at work, Angel is sleeping, and Ralph did not go home for the weekend. So practically, I am alone now at home since Angel is still asleep. Except of course for dogs, Fluffy, Venz, and Chuchi who are keeping me company.

As you can see probably, I really do not know what to say. I'm just trying to reach out, because I don't have anyone to talk to. I mean, really talk to.

Work, kids, health, and just about everything. I am consumed by all these things inside me, Mama.

I'm sorry. I'll just stop now. I don't think I should bother you with this.

Take care, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Paranoia

Dear Mama,

Last Saturday I had my annual physical examination as required by our company. I really don't like to, but as I mentioned, it is required. With my age and all the things I have been feeling lately, I knew I wouldn't be getting encouraging results.

The lab tests results aren't really out yet. I will get them within this week, probably.

The one thing that got me worried, Mama was by blood pressure. I know I have been getting BPs higher than normal before, but last Saturday my BP registered at 140/100. When the doctor saw this, she said I should be taking maintenance. I just told her I will be seeing my doctor when I get my test results.

Actually, before she said I should take maintenance, she said I should see you an Internist because my BP was something that should be a cause for alarm.

I am not worried should I get worse, Mama. After all, the kids are all graduated and working now. I am just concern because I wouldn't like to be a burden to them. I just wish that if things happen, they would be just swift so I can be with you the soonest.

I will be ending my letter right now, Mama. Sorry, if I stopped abruptly. I just felt I will be writing some dramas again if I continue. I don't want to go through that again.

I miss you, Mama. I hope to see you soon.

Take care.

I love you.


Daddy

Just an update

Dear Mama,

Hi. How are you, Mama? It's been a while, I know. I really don't want to bother you as much, because you should be really resting now. But you know how I often I would like to reach out to you. If only I can you pull you back here, Mama. Especially now that the kids are all grown up and all finished with their schooling. We can take care of you better now, Mama. 

I'm sorry. I know it's all too late now. 

I just would like to update you, Mama. I know you have been watching us, but I still want to tell you like how I used to tell you everything then.

Angel already has a job now, Mama. Unfortunately, it's not related to her course, but she took it and she said so that she will already earn. Anyway, she can always look for another job that will enable her to use what she learned in college, which is IT. Although, I really doubt that, Mama. It looks like she is enjoying her job and she isn't really keen in looking for another job right now.

Ralph is still in Ortigas, while Edgar is still working in the hospital. It's quite a challenge now to have them all together during weekends. Usually Edgar have work on weekends, sometimes Ralph have trainings, and Angel sometimes have an event in their company. We still do find time to go out together, Mama. We just can't do it as often as we used to.

Sometimes, I still wish you were still with us, Mama. Especially now. You would have been very proud and happy. The kids would have been very happy. I would have been very happy!

I'm sorry, Mama. I just can't help it.

I should end my letter right now, Mama. Lest, I might get carried away again.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy