Samgyupsal with the kids

 Dear Mama,

    Yesterday, I went out to pay our electric bill. After roaming around Nepo Mall, I messaged the kids who were at home if they like to have samgyupsal. They agreed, so I met them at around 6:00 p.m. at the designated place, and of course, we ate until we are full.

    Actually, the place we went was where one of my fellow member at the songwriter's club regularly sing acoustic. Unfortunately, he came in at around 7:00 p.m. and we were already about to leave. Just waited for him to start and finish one song, then the kids and I went home.

    That was all about this letter, Mama. I just wish you were still with us especially when we go out like this.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy

Me and my overthinking

 Dear Mama,

    I just delivered an educational talk last night at our club's workshop and shared some tips in speechwriting. I think it went well and I was able to share something with my fellow Toastmasters.

       So far, it's been quiet here in our neighborhood and yet my anxiety doesn't seem to diminish, Mama. Every time I am about to go home from work, every time night time approaches, the anxiety inside becomes consuming and I cannot concentrate on what I am doing. So much so that I cannot even do anything. It seems that at any time, something will happen here. What's wrong with me, Mama?

        I'm sorry, Mama. I know I shouldn't be bothering you with this nonsense. I just don't have anyone I can tell these to.

        Anyway, I will be sleeping in a while. I am just trying to finish my speech for our next club meeting. I hope I will be able to finish even just a draft of my speech.

        Goodbye for now, Mama. Until my next letter.

        I miss you, Mama.

        I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy 

Just another weekend

 Dear Mama,

    It's Saturday, 11:30 a.m., Ralph is cooking our lunch today. Edgar just got home from the dentist. Angel is still sleeping, but Edgar is trying to wake her up. We'll be having lunch in a while.

    I am working on my educational talk for next Friday, Mama. I will be trying to share some tips on speech writing. I hope I will be able to share something of value. I am done with my draft, and will just be preparing my slides, and practice my talk.

    I'm not sure if we'll be going out today, Mama. Probably we won't. I have no money to spend, so I guess we'll just be staying home this weekend.

    I am having anxieties again lately, Mama. I really wish we can transfer to a new home. It feels like I'm being drained here, especially at night. It seems like at any given night we'll be hearing loud music, noises, voices, etc. I'm trying to control myself, but I can't.

    Anyway, we'll be having lunch in a while so I better fix my things. I miss you, Mama. I really need your hug right now.

    I love you, Mama.

                                                                                            Daddy

Ralph's birthday

 Dear Mama,

    Yesterday, we celebrated Ralph's 30th birthday. As usual, by eating out. I don't have the guts to hold a birthday party and invite people. So, we just celebrated among ourselves.

    Before we celebrated, I went out ahead of the kids, Mama. I went to my doctor for the quarterly check up. It was okay, since I have already seen the lab results. I just have to continue with my maintenance medicines. I guess I will be taking them until I am finished, Mama. I am no longer exercising. Well, at least I'm still breathing, unfortunately.

    After my check up, I went to SM City Clark to wait for the kids. They arrived at around 4:00 p.m., and we roamed around looking for a place to eat. Then settled for the buffet, which was Ralph's choice, since he is the celebrant.

    We went inside the department store after dinner, and then went home immediately. It was a simple celebration. Oh yes, I forgot, I bought birthday cake in the morning so and we sang happy birthday to Ralph. I only bought him t-shirts as birthday gift, though. Hope it's just okay with him.

    Anyway, that was how we celebrated, Mama. I wish you were still here with us. I miss you more on occasions like this.

    I love you, Mama.

                                                                                        Daddy

How can I free myself?

 Dear Mama,

    It will be the birthday of our firstborn on Wednesday. Ralph will be 30 years old by then, Mama. Can you imagine, that?! It means I'm really, really old! We do not have any plans yet on what to do for his birthday. We might go out, we still do not know where. I've filed a leave of absence for that day, Mama. I will also have my quarterly check up with doctor my then, since Ralph will be working and we will be celebrating after his work.

    I still do not have any gift for Ralph, Mama. I don't know what to give him or buy for him. We might just buy him t-shirts, as suggested by Angel, since I have rejected most of her other suggestions. I will be looking for gifts on Tuesday, after work, Mama.

    The results of my recent lab tests, which I will be bringing to the doctor on Wednesday, are all good, Mama. Meaning they are all within limit - my uric acid, sugar, cholesterol, etc. Probably it's because I've taking maintenance medicine. My doctor might probably prescribe me to continue them. At least they won't be increasing in dosage. I hope.

    I am actually not feeling well, Mama. I don't know if it's real or just paranoia. I easily get tired, even from my usual daily walk to and from office. Probably because I am not really exercising, nor am I watching my diet. I actually stress-eat sometimes, Mama.

    Lately, I've been having lots of anxiety attacks. I fear a lot of things will happen, and the things I wish to happen will not happen. It's taking its toll on me, Mama. I am irritated most of the time, especially when I am at home. And I feel down every time I remember all my failures. When will I free myself from these feelings, Mama?

    Sorry, Mama. I don't wish to burden you with these nonsense. It's just so difficult when you have no one talk to.

    Anyway, I've said enough. Until my next letter, Mama.

    I miss you.

    I love you.

                                                                                                Daddy

I lost again

Dear Mama,

    Yesterday, I joined another speech competition in Toastmasters. It was a Tagalog speech competition, and once again I lost, Mama. I thought I would finally win. Unfortunately, I am still a loser, Mama.

    Well, I gave it my best, and a lot of people who listened said I was inspiring. Unfortunately, the final result did not prove it. I guess I will never win. I will never make anybody proud.

    Wish you were here, Mama. I miss you.

                                                                                            Daddy

 

Do I really inspire people?

Dear Mama,

    Last Saturday, August 6, I was again included in the line up of performers of our songwriters club, and I sang 3 of my original songs. I was still nervous, Mama. My voice was still cracking up, but I managed to survive. Now, I'm not sure if I wanted to pursue this or not. If only I was half as good as you were in singing, Mama.

    Mama, do I really inspire other people? I have been told this a number of times, and recently someone told me again that I am one of his inspiration. I don't even know him personally, Mama. It's good that I am inspiring other people, but I do find it hard to believe. You know how I get discouraged many times, and I am doing things afraid all the time. 

    Anyway, I don't even know what to say, Mama. I just really couldn't believe it. I hope I don't discourage them when I rant.

    That will be all for now, Mama. Will be preparing for our Toastmasters meeting in a while.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                            Daddy

We had an earthquake earlier

 Dear Mama,

    I'm sorry I haven't written for more than a month, I was not so sure what to say because I wanted to say only happy news, unfortunately, there wasn't much, Mama.

    Angel already resigned from her job at the call center. I don't know what happened, she wouldn't tell me. She's also back in her therapy, I don't know if it has anything to do with her resigning from her job. She won't tell me anything. If I pressed on asking, she will get annoyed, mad, and even depressed. She's not looking for a job right now. I don't have any issue with that. My only concern is that if she has a job, she will at least have a medical insurance. But I can't force her, Mama.

    Am I such a bad father that our daughter has grown distant and alienated from me, Mama? I wish I could have our old Angel back. I must have done something wrong. I'm sorry, Mama. I failed.

    There was an earthquake earlier. I was at our office when it happened, it was quite strong. We all went down and outside the building. We were at the third floor. Good thing nobody was hurt. Edgar was at his work, too. He said he was okay. Ralph was working at home, he's also fine. Angel was at home, too but she was asleep. I don't know if she felt it. She's still sleeping now.

    I will be performing again at the Songwriters' Night, Mama. This time, I volunteered to be added in the line up. I don't know what gotten into me. I hope I will be able to sing my compositions well. I have 2 new songs, and I'm hoping I can finish the third one in time for the SongCab night which is on August 6. Good luck to me.

    By the way, I ended my term as president of our Toastmasters Club last June 30, Mama. I was able to make it through and survive. At least the club reached the highest norm which was President Distinguished Club during my term. Although, I can't take credit for that, of course Mama. But I'm just glad it's all over now.

    I guess that will be all for now, Mama. I hope I can write again soon.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                Daddy