Angel has fever...

Dear Mama,

I woke up this morning and saw Angel with blanket over her. We both know that she doesn't like having blankets when she sleeps, specially today being summer. I approached and feel her forehead and neck - she got fever! I was worried because... you're not here! If you were only here, I'm sure you would know what to do!

Perhaps, I would know what to do... medicine here, water there... some TLC... but I know that I can't do anything to substitute a mother's caress.

And another thing, I need to go out! Today is Angel's enrollment - fortunately, I was able to enroll her and was back after an hour. Bought her favorite gummy bear-like candies - pizza pie, hot dogs, etc. I was glad they are available this time. You know how she loves those candies, and I don't know why but somehow these candies help her get well.

Checked her temperature with a thermometer and reads 38.5, she said she was fine... after about 20 minutes, checked it again. Now her temperature reads 39! Mama, please help me take care of our Angel, I'm really getting worried. Just gone thru her enrollment and we don't have any money left.

If you only you were here Mama... if only you were here..

Love,


Daddy

Dear Mama....

Dear Mama,

I really don't know what title to give to my letter now, that's why I just gave it 'Dear Mama' as title. It's 11:53 PM now, a few minutes before midnight. My eyelids are actually dropping now, it seems that they have a mind of their own. I am having a hard fighting them to keep me awake, at least just to finish this letter.

Last night, we went swimming with the Familia Community. I'm pretty sure Angel had fun, and so do EA and Remrem. I really didn't want to ask them to stop and get dressed but it was almost time. The two boys fixed themselves up early, Angel swam and played in the pool until 9PM. But we both know that still, it wasn't enough for her.

Tomorrow will be her enrollment. She is excited to study in Holy Family, I on the other is anxious as to where I'm going to get the money for her enrollment tomorrow.

This whole day just passed me by... doing nothing... achieving nothing. It's not that I'm lazy or anything, but I don't know what to do! I don't even know where to start. I really wish I could talk to you Mama, I really needed someone to push me... and only you can do that to me.

Anyway, I can't fight the dropping eyelids anymore, and the tone of my letter isn't really getting nice. I have to stop now. Please do take care of yourself Mama.

I really miss you... I love you Mama.



Daddy





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Another letter...

Dear Mama,

Hi! It's been a few days since my last letter... I was supposed to write earlier this week. I felt so alone, I really wish I could talk to you. Been to a lot this week. Lots of thinking, lots of things happened between me and the kids, me and other people... and there's just nobody beside me to whom I could pour these all on to. If only I could talk to you Mama... if only I could.

I hope you won't mind me putting our picture here. I did that to put more personal touch to this blog, and so that people who would happen to read this could see you, especially your friends.

There are really lots of things that I want to tell you Mama, but I can't understand why I am seem to be lost for words right now. The thing between me and the kids... it's as if slowly, the gap between us is growing wider and wider. I really don't know, but I think it's my fault. I easily get irritated lately and I shout at them at the slightest mistake. I've been trying to be conscious about it... so I could avoid it, but I feel sometimes that they are really trying to provoke me. Doing things that I'm sure they know would piss me. I don't know, I don't want them to grow farther away from me.

I really wish I could see you now Mama... if only I could embrace you... if only I could be with you... even for just a while... I'm sure I will feel better.

I really miss you Mama... I need you... I love you...



Daddy


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New letter

Dear Mama,

Hi again. I'm really sorry I wasn't able to write to you lately. I've been going through a lot things right now (like I usually am). Just this morning, I received another notice of disconnection from Angeles Electric... as always. Fortunately, I was able to borrow money from Nanay again.

What am I going to tell you right now? I never really thought I would be lost for words writing a letter to you. Last week was typical for us... no orders, no work, no good news, no nothing! Oh yes, there was a good news, Viernell is finally able to work abroad. I'm not sure, but I think it's in Dubai and he'll be leaving before the end of this month. I'm happy for him, finally he'll be able to work again and provide for his family.

Next week is almost month-end... rent will again be due and so is Angel's enrollment. Haaay Mama, I really hope all my plans would pushed through and all would be successful for us to survive these storms of expenses that will be coming to us.

Now, I really feel that I need you. I'm having a hard making decisions and without anybody to ask opinion to. Sometimes in desperation, I ask from Angel. I really miss you Mama.... everyday is getting harder and harder without you. I really wish I could be with you right now.

I guess, I'll just have to stop here or else, who knows where my letter would lead into. Just take care of yourself Mama and please do look after the kids when they're not with me.

I love you Mama.... I miss you.



Daddy

I feel guilty...

Dear Mama,

I really feel guilty right now. Since last night, I've trying to psyche myself to go to Mang Salud's wake in Sapang Maisac. I'm sure you know the reason why I'm having a hard time convincing myself to go. I know she has nothing to do with my reason, that's why I feel guilty for not having to pay my last respect to someone so close to you.

I'm really sorry Mama, I know my action can't be justified. I guess I will just have to carry the guilt, it's a choice that I made. I told Angel of my hesitation to go and she understands me. Still not enough reason to release me of this anxiety.

If she's with you right now, please tell her I'm sorry. I know, she too understands the reason. I will always pray for her as I always pray for you. In the meantime, I will just carry on this self-inflicted guilt that I have.

Again Mama, I'm sorry. Please take care of yourself. I love you.



Daddy



P.S. How I wish I was communicating to you this much when you were still here. I miss you Mama.

News on Mang Salud

Dear Mama,

This afternoon, Madel texted me, informing me of the death of Mang Salud. I was saddened by this news because I know how dear she was to you and you to her. She died last Sunday, April 13. I was told by Madel that Mang Salud came to know of your death and the sadness apparently caused her already weak body to give up.

One good thing about this is that finally her sufferings has ended. We know how weak she already was the last time we saw her. And I bet right now both of you have already seen each other in heaven. Finally, you're with a mother who truly loves you.

They asked when will I go to the wake, I said maybe tomorrow. I really would like to go, because she was your second mother. In fact, she was more of a mother to you than... Anyway, like I said, I planned to go but I'm having second thoughts. If I go, it would mean I will meet your family again. I know everything was patched up when you died... at least that's what I would like to think. Oh well, I guess maybe the problem is with me. I really wish I could go tomorrow.

I guess that would be all for now Mama. Do take care of yourself. I love you Mama.

I miss you.


Daddy

Updates for mama...

April 14, 2008
1:18 AM


Dear Mama,

It's now past 1:00am and I haven't slept yet. I was meaning to write you earlier, unfortunately, in thinking out what to write, it reached me this hour. I am really sorry for my first letter, I know I should not be writing to you about those kind of stuffs, I should take care of things here now.

Anyway, I haven't talked to you yet about these past days - Rem's graduation, EA'a birthday, Angel's exam and interview at Holy Family and lots of things. I guess I should update you on what's going on with us. Ralph's graduation passed by quickly, we haven't prepared any at home. I don't think I can pull that one, fortunately Ralph understood and we just celebrated together with EA and Angel. First, we had dinner at Cafe Seatenta in Balibago, and was Angel satisfied. Aside from big servings of spaghetti, she praised the service at the place. You know how particular our 9 year old daughter about service. I'm sure, the two boys enjoyed dinner there too, we had a good time there.

After dinner, we went at Boom na Boom Carnival at the back of SM Clark. There, they rode the bump car, the carousel, and the mini-viking boat. Ralph finally was able to ride the cable car (chair actually), at first he thought it was fun. But when he noticed that the cable car was very slow and they stayed on top for a very long time, I think he felt nervous. Although he won't admit it to me. They had fun at the carnival, they went in the bump car twice. It was fun just watching them going at each other in their bump cars. If only you can see the pictures. After that, we finally went home. It was exhausting but fun.

Next was EA's birthday, which we celebrated at SM Clark. They played at Quantum. They also have bump car there. I played table hockey with Ralph and EA. It was fun and exhausting. Although the place was air conditioned, I sweat a bit in the game. And we watched a movie, Orton Hears A Who... it was a good movie. Another CGI effect movie, the kids liked it. I love it when I make the kids happy.

Angel, on the hand passed the exam and interview at Holy Family. We are now just waiting for the schedule of their enrollment on April 29, Ralph has yet to secure his card from his adviser. He still lacks one teacher signature on his clearance. On my part, still there are no confirmed orders for the personalized business. Just lots of inquiries, I am now applying for a job in SM Clark. I was applying for a store manager, but when the HR Head interviewed me, she read that I am a CPA in my resume so she said that she will refer me for the position of accounting manager instead. I'm just waiting for a call for another interview with the department heads.

Ate Let, sent a document for me sign, which I signed today at Sta. Teresita. The document is a letter actually which congratulates me and says that I have been accepted to work in their (Ate Let's) company in Canada. They will be waiting for me once I complete all my documents. Imagine that! I already have a job in Canada when I haven't moved a finger to apply. Ate Let is really helping me to migrate to Canada. I will be going there with kids, just as you told me... it seems to be that I really have no future in here.

Ralph is not really keen on going to Canada, EA too. They actually want to be left here, I don't know... maybe they're just apprehensive. I can understand them because they don't know anybody there, it's an entirely different culture... I guess they are just afraid. I too, am not sure about my feelings regarding this thing, but I guess going to Canada is the best thing for us. Angel is the most excited when it comes to the Canada thing. How I wish you are still with us as we migrate, maybe there you won't suffer much because I would be able to sustain your dialysis. And maybe we could even arrange for a kidney transplant once we are there. Oops, here I am again... I'm sorry.

Well, I guess that would be all for now. Looking forward to being with you soon. I'm trying my best to take care of the children... and please, do look after them when they're not with me.

Bye for now Mama.... take care, I love you.

I miss you.

Daddy

My first letter...

April 11, 2008
Angeles City



Dear Mama,

Hi! Maybe you are surprised as to why I'm writing this letter and creating this blog. Just like the description says, maybe there's an internet in heaven... and maybe you could read this. I really wish there is a way that I could reach you. I really miss you Mama.

Since you've been gone, it's just not the same... I tried to cope, I tried to fight Mama... to carry on without you. But it's not easy, there were a couple of times that I really wanted to give up. I'm really sorry that I am writing to you in this tone... I know that I really shouldn't bother you anymore with this. After all, you are now at rest. But with no one beside me to talk to, what am I to do? It's not easy carrying all the burden within yourself, although I have been actually doing that all these years. But how I wish it were not the case.

All the frustrations... all the joys... all the fears, apprehensions, excitements... with no one to pour it out all on. Just like tonight, the very reason why I created this blog... I shouted at the children again. And this time, I was really furious... disappointed. To think that we just spent the whole afternoon at the SM Mall in Clark... only to go home and break all that joy and bonding we shared. All because of a very petty thing!

I'm really frustrated and disappointed Mama. I'm sorry for not being able to bring up our children properly. I was crying as I was talking to them... cursing them actually, because I was really furious. Why can't they just agree and compromise? Why should there always be an argument on everything? Why can't love and peace stay in our home? Am I really that bad of a father?

Yes I know, they are still young. But we know our children, we know that at their young age they can already understand everything. That's why I'm very much disappointed! Instead of easing burdens, they seem to consciously want to add to it. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

I want to be a good father Mama... I want to take care of our kids. I don't want to disappoint you. I love them very much! I would do everything for them! All that I ask is for them to love each other and co-exist harmoniously... if only you were here, at least I would have someone to help me talk to them and make them understand. I wish I wouldn't give up on them. I'm really sorry Mama for letting you down.

I guess I have already burdened you enough with my letter. You should be resting now. I just want to reach you... I really miss you Mama. Thank you for reading my letter. Take care of yourself now.

I love you.



Daddy