I guess I should still be thankful

Dear Mama,

Just this morning, I was wondering how I would make it until next payday which is still 3 days from now. I only have P500 right now, which is not really a new situation for me. Of course, I was worried. It would be easy to borrow, but I have already borrowed money since last payday that are earmarked on my next salary. I thought that would be my only concern.

As Edgar was cooking rice this morning for our brunch, so I could save money on meals, we found out that we ran out of gas. You know how easily I get frustrated and depressed when these things happen. I had no other choice, Mama. I went back to Nanay so I could borrow money to buy gas. No matter if less money will be left on my next payday, the kids need to eat. Feeling down, I went out of the house without telling the kids where I would be going.

But as I was on my way to Sta. Teresita, I guess the long walk along the way did me good. Because it suddenly entered my mind that, perhaps, I am still lucky because my problem is only money. True, I was worried sick this last few days because of the kids' pending tuition fee installment again, and that I can barely make it until the next payday, and in perfect timing we ran out of gas. But I can borrow money... I can sign promissory notes in school... in other words, they can be solved. It doesn't matter if I get humiliated a little... it doesn't matter if I have no pride left... what's important is I will do it for the kids.

And I am thankful, Mama. Because the kids are healthy, they're doing fine, and you raised them well. Yes, they are not the perfect 'saintly' kids, but they do know their values, and they are happy kids. I would like to think they are happy, Mama. Maybe I may not give them everything other kids their age are getting now, but I know they understand that I am giving priority to more important things. This is all because of you, Mama. Thank you for the foundation of values you taught them.

Of course, it would still be better if you're here with us. Things would be lighter, because I have you. I'm sorry, Mama. I understand why it happened, and I will not forget my promise to you. I will take good care of our kids. Thank you for everything, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Test time again

Dear Mama,

It's test time again for Angel in just about two weeks, and you know how it is when they are having their test. They will be sending me statement of accounts again which I have to pay before I can get Angel's permit. I still have balance for the previous statement and I just signed a promissory note. Now, here it is again and they will look at me again from head and toe if I will be filling up another promissory note. I guess that's just how it is, Mama. There's really nothing I can do but accept whatever they're going to say.

It's cold now and I still feel sick, Mama. I am not taking any medicine, I just drink water often. So far, I'm okay. But I really feel tired, Mama. I really wish I could rest and be with you.

Take care Mama, sorry I have to cut this letter. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

I am not well

Dear Mama,

I am not feeling well. I don't know if it's because of too much thinking, fatigue, anxiety, depression, or all of the above. All I know is that I am weak, I feel cold and my joints are hurting. But I can't be absent from work. I have a pending deadline, Mama. I want to finish this one.

I wish you're here, I know I'll feel better faster. I miss you, Mama.

 I love you.


Daddy

Still no good news

Dear Mama,

It's already July 23 and I still haven't received any good news. I'm talking about the scriptwriting workshop, Mama. Although they didn't post any dates on the website for the announcement, I guess by now they should have chosen the qualified participants. Maybe I did not pass, Mama. Well, what can I expect? I submitted a poem, instead of a story. I just wish they would read through the poem I sent.

As for the songwriting contest, Himig-Handog said the announcement will be on August 15. Here I go again hoping, like I have a chance to pass the judges' standards. Well, it's okay to dream, isn't it Mama? If only I were a better guitar player and a singer, maybe my songs would have sounded better, then maybe they would give me a chance.

Oh well, here I go again. Always full of wishful thinking. I really hope things would get better someday. Maybe some good news await at the horizon. Maybe, someday I would be respected for who I am.

Until my next letter, Mama. I feel sleepy already. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Aren't things supposed to get better?

Dear Mama,

I'm trying to be strong. I swear. I just wish I can hug you right now.I really need it.

The kids are fine, don't worry Mama. I assure you they and their needs are being taken care of.

I miss you, Mama. I do. Please take care of yourself.

I love you.


Daddy

Dear Mama,

I really need your hug right now...

How do I cook kare-kare?

Dear Mama,

Edgar has been requesting for kare-kare these past few days. I already told him I don't know how to cook it and I'm sure he knew it but he keeps on mentioning it every meal time. How do I cook that, Mama? I cannot even dare look at recipe books because I know it's too hard for a trying-hard-cook-wannabe like me.

I'm sure if you were here, you could have easily cooked it for him. I'm sorry, Mama. I just feel sorry for the kids because they were left with me.

Anyway, I need to go to work now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Are all men really the same?

Dear Mama,

Am at the office now. It's lunch break although I am not really taking my lunch. I don't usually open my account here, but the computer at home needed reformatting and I have yet to pick it up tonight.

It was such a bad week last week, Mama. I hope this week will be better. Gail still isn't talking to me. Although to be honest, I haven't really initiated any attempt to communicate with her. I am afraid, Mama. She might still be upset with me. I know, I really do not have a chance with her... but why am I still holding on, Mama?

Are all men really the same? I heard that again last week from a friend. That truth that was staring me. I really  wish I would be given a chance, Mama. Anyway, I guess it's all for the better so I can look after the kids.

Oh well, looks like I am just answering my own questions. I hope I can really talk to you. I could use a hug right now, Mama.

Take care of yourself now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Will things get worse?

Dear Mama,

It looks like my decision to leave my stable job at the hospital for a new one is going to backfire on me. Honestly, my finances are not really getting any better, and worse there is no guarantee if the company will last. I really wish there would be some 'divine intervention' anytime soon, for the sake of the kids.

It will be more than a month before the finalists for the Himig-Handog songwriting contest will be announced, Mama. I know I should not be expecting... and I am not. But I do hope that this time they would notice. It is the only way I know for Gail to hear, and perhaps appreciate, the song I wrote for her. I'm sorry, Mama. I am still hoping. I really don't know why I can't give her up.

Anyway, will be preparing for work anytime now. I do not really feel well. My head feels light and I feel sick. I would love to call in sick but then that won't help me nor the company.

Until my next letter, Mama. Please take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Sundae night

Dear Mama,

Just arrived home after having some chocolate sundae at Mcdo-hiway with the kids. It's been a while since we've done it Mama, that is why I asked the kids out after dinner. Of course, they would always love to go out for sundae.

It's Monday again tomorrow. Never really had a good weekend rest, Mama and it looks like it's going to be a busy week coming to me. It's also exam week again for Edgar and Angel. As usual, I will be going for promissory notes again for both of them. Oh well...

Anyway, I will have to say goodnight for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Not feeling well, and Edgar too

Dear Mama,

I am not feeling well right now. I feel cold and I feel like I'm going to get sick. I already took medicine, Mama. I can't afford to be sick, there'll be no one who will look after the kids. Edgar is not well too. He is already sleeping now. It's a good thing that their classes were suspended due to continuous rains, at least he is able to rest early. I hope he'll be fine when he wakes up tomorrow morning.

Ralph is still in school right now. Their classes were not suspended in Holy Angel. I hope he's just fine. I'm sure he brought his umbrella with him. Angel is doing some school works now. We already had our dinner. I would like to rest early too, but Ralph is not yet home. And I also want to finish my sample script tonight so I can already submit my application to the scriptwriting workshop. The deadline will be this Friday, Mama.

Well, that will be all for now, Mama. Please take care of yourself. I really miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I want to talk to you... I want to say something...

Dear Mama,

I want to talk to you... say something... but I don't know where or how to start. Nothing's really serious, Mama. I just wish I could have a conversation with you, just like what we used to do. Anyway, we just arrived home from SM Clark, Mama. It was just Angel and I, but Ralph joined us and naturally, I asked Edgar to proceed there too. Ralph came from his girlfriend while Edgar went swimming with his classmate that's why it was just Angel and I who went there in the afternoon.

Speaking of Angel, she just had her first Cosplay yesterday. It would have been fine except for one untoward incident. The organizers asked her to pay additional for the wig. I don't understand that, Mama. They invite them and then asked to pay for the costumes. I just allowed Angel because she wanted it, but she said that might be the last time.

Still looking for another job, Mama. Looks like I don't have a clear future in my present job. I'm still considering the scriptwriting workshop although I haven't submitted my application yet.

Well, that will be for now, I guess. I feel sleepy and I might talk nonsense here. Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy