is this what getting old feels?

Dear Mama,

It's 4 a.m. right now, and I'm having my coffee before I prepare for work.  It's raining right now, although it's just a drizzle. I hope it will stop later so I can walk on my way to the office.

You know I need my daily walk, Mama. It's the only exercise I have right now. I've been feeling a lot lately. Yesterday, as I was picking up the laundry, my lower back suddenly hurt. And the pain never left, since. This must be what growing old really is. 

Oh, well... I guess it's inevitable. I will have to face it. Anyway, that will be all for now, Mama. I guess I need to stop now before I start whining again. 

I miss you, Mama. 

I love you. 

Daddy 

Do I have vertigo?

Dear Mama,

I hope you are well as you read this. I hope I am just being paranoid, Mama. Yesterday, I woke up at around 2 a.m. and went to the toilet. When I came back to lie again, I suddenly felt dizzy and everything seems to be moving. I don't know if I was in pain, but I was surprised, Mama. Then I lay still and waited until the dizziness and the movement around me subsided. It was quite a long spell, Mama. I felt light-headed after that. I can't even tell if I had a headache or not. Then when I tried to move, I felt dizzy again. So, I kept still.

As I went to work yesterday, I was observing myself. Every now and then I felt dizzy, or that "spinning" feeling again. But not as intense as what I felt at around 2 a.m. All throughout the day while I was working, I seem to have forgotten about it and did not feel anything. I don't know if I was just too busy or what.

Last night, however, I felt that "spinning" feeling again. Then again, this morning at around 1:30 a.m. There are "" mini" episodes in-between, and until now. I am just not sure if it is just me being paranoid.

Anyway, Ralph is back home. He went home last week just in time for our visit to you at La Pieta last Sunday, February 14, which was your anniversary. He opted to stay here since they are still on a work-from-home set up.

Edgar, will start in his new job this Monday in Clark. It's an I.T. company. I hope it will be a better company and he will stay there longer. I will be adjusting again, because I already got used to him helping me here at home. But, he needs to work for his future. 

Angel is still staying at home. I guess she's still searching for her path. But it's okay, Mama. I'm not rushing her. I can still take care and provide for her. I just hope she will be stable once I have my chance to follow you.

I guess that will be all for now, Mama. Sorry for writing you a long letter. Please take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama. 

I love you. 

Daddy 

Feeling drained again

Dear Mama,

I would like to apologize in advance, I'm sorry I am writing in this tone again. I feel drained again. I don't know if it's because it's the month of your death anniversary, or it's because of the realization that up until this time I have not really accomplished anything worthwhile or tangible.

I feel sorry for our children, Mama. I feel like I have not prepared them well enough. I'm worried about them. I know it's all my fault. I have been a weak father to them. I'm sorry, Mama.

I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go.

I wish you were here, Mama.

I'm really sorry.

Daddy

February

Dear Mama,

It's past 6 a.m. and  we have no power. It's brownout here in Angeles City, and it was announced as a city wide power interruption until 10 a.m. today. I was supposed to do the laundry at around 5:30 but I did not, because when we have no power, there's alao no water. So, I have the perfect excuse to be lazy.

I'm just waiting for 8 a.m. to wake Edgar up, because we will go to the supermarket to buy groceries. As you know, he has been helping me because he knows what to buy for Angel. He's taken charge of Angel's diet which actually helped improve her skin condition. That's why he's been doing most of the food preparations.

Yesterday was Ralph's first weekversary in his new place. He's doing fine so far. Aa I've mentioned, it's quite good except that the environment looks too crowded. It's a good thing he wasn't much of an introvert like his father.

Angel was asking me to buy her a new computer. Her laptop wasn't working for more than 3 years now. She's just using Edgar's desktop computer. I hope I'll have the funds to buy her soon. I guess I have to defer my plans of buying my own laptop for a while.

It will be February 1st tomorrow, and you know why I dislike this month. This was the month you left us 13 years ago, and on Valentine's day. 

Anyway, I'll stop here. I need to prepare for the day, although I really don't know what I will be preparing for. 

I miss you, Mama. I wish you were still here. 

I love you. 

Daddy 

Back to three

 Dear Mama,

This morning we went to Pasig to help Ralph. We rented a van so we can buy some of his things like an electric fan, table, chairs, and bed. Although we just bought a foam for now. The environment where Ralph moved in was a bit crowded. I think it's quite because of the crowd, although it is also not safe because of the crowd. I'm sure you know what I mean, Mama.

Ralph just called tonight, it's his first night in his new place. He has already taken his dinner, and was also able to buy some other things he needs, like water. He looks quite settled, although he hasn't finished unpacking yet. I don't think he'll be able to finish unpacking tonight because he likes to do other things first.

As for us, we arrived home at around 4 p.m., and I'm about to sleep now. I hope everything will get better soon, Mama. And I mean everything. Not just us, Mama, but the whole country, and the whole world, too. I'll be gone soon, and I don't think I'd like to leave our children with present condition that we have now. I wish things will get better soon.

That will be all for now, Mama.

I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Just one more week

Dear Mama,

It's Saturday, 6 a.m. and I'm doing the laundry. Just waiting for a few minutes before I get back to the whites. As you know, we have no washing machine, but we're fine without it.

That's not what I am writing about, though. Next Saturday, Ralph will be going back to Pasig. Of course, we'll be going there to help him set up. After that, it might take a while before he can go back home again. 

You know why I am so concerned with Ralph, Mama. I know he'll do fine, I just hope he gets better, and wiser, in his life. Please guide him, Mama. 

That will be all for now, Mama. I'm sorry for all my failures. I know things would have been better if only you were here. 

I miss you, Mama. 

I love you. 

Daddy 

Back to work

Dear Mama,

It's 4 a.m., and today we'll be going back to work after our Christmas break. 

The kids and I went to the mall yesterday, Mama. I met them there after meeting some Toastmasters friends at lunch time. We sort of had an extended birthday celebration Angel. 

Ralph will be going back to Pasig on the 23rd, not sure if I had already mentioned that before, so I felt we should be making the most of our time. 

On Angel's birthday last Saturday, we just stayed home. Angel prepared her own cake. We bought materials and ingredients in the morning. Edgar was the one who prepared and cooked our food then. We had a good time although we were just at home. We sang happy birthday for Angel. The food prepared by Edgar were also good

That's all for now, Mama. I will be preparing for work in a while. I miss you, Mama. I wish you were still with us. 

I love you. 

Daddy 

Angel's birthday tomorrow

Dear Mama,

It's just 4 a.m., and I'm having my coffee. Today's December 8, and tomorrow is Angel's birthday. She'll be turning 23 tomorrow, Mama. I still do not know what gift to give her. 

I feel like a bad father, Mama. I was at the mall yesterday walking to and fro, and I didn't find anything to give her. I don't know what she likes, I don't know what makes her happy, and it's like I don't really know her. Doesn't that make me a bad father, Mama?

I'm sorry. I know I have failed with the kids. A lot of people don't know it because it's not obvious. Everyone thinks I'm a great ideal father, but the kids know better. 

Anyway, I'll just finish my coffee and then I'll do the laundry. Edgar and I will be going to the supermarket today. 

I miss you, Mama. I still wish you are still here. 

I love you. 

.Daddy