Sunday, October 16, 2011

Apprehensions again... like I never learn, Mama

Dear Mama,

I feel nervous and anxious again over a decision I made recently. Not sure if it is a right decision or not. It's like I never really learned, Mama. Of course, you know I'm talking about the TV show to which I said yes, like what I told you before. It will be shown in about two week's time. But unlike before where it just was a pure magazine-type presentation, now it's a full-blown dramatization of our life. I don't know if I made the right decision. I feel an axe hanging over my head, Mama.

But what's more shameful to admit, Mama, is that the main motivation for me to say yes was financial. You know it's already finals and I don't know where to run to pay for the kids' tuition fees. It was just fortunate that the offer came at the most opportune time. While it didn't really solve all problems, at least I was able to pay for Edgar's tuition fee. Now, all I have to think of is Angel's and Ralph's, and all I can hope for is a miracle.

To think and justify that the story might bring inspiration to others would be a complete hypocrisy on my part. You know I never saw it that way, Mama.Because I know we had an ordinary life, as ordinary as everybody else's, struggled like everybody did, and was defeated like others too. My only consolation is that, at least you are now at rest and no longer suffer from pain.

It's a story that happens to everybody, right Mama? Maybe it would have a different plot to others, but the main storyline would be there - pain, conflict, struggle, survival, defeat, denial, acceptance, and more conflicts... until the mind, body and soul and gets tired and give up to even be concerned.

What am I saying? I'm talking gibberish again, Mama.. This is how I am when I am nervous. I'm sure you remember that, Mama. If only I could hold your hands right now... embrace you tight... this anxiety would somehow be lessened.

Sorry Mama, I'm starting it again. Better stop now before this tone leads to something melodramatic. Please do take care of yourself, Mama. Looking forward to being with you soon. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.