Ralph's graduation...

Dear Mama,

Ralph graduated from 4th year college. There wasn't any celebration because we're short on cash. But we just went out to eat in a fastfood restaurant, together with Edgar and Angel, after the graduation ceremony this afternoon. It was even Ralph who paid for our bill, although I promised to pay him next week which is our payday. Although he graduated already, he will still have to continue going to school for his 5th year, Mama. It is a requisite now before he can take the review exam. So, he is still not required to work. While he is actually working now, albeit with a very low salary, I still do not require him to help in the household expenses. One good thing though, is that he doesn't ask for money anymore to buy for his personal needs.

It's already 1:27 a.m., actually. So, my "this afternoon" should be "yesterday afternoon." Anyway, I'm still not asleep, Mama. I still recorded the song I wrote which I plan to submit in a songwriting contest. I have to wait very late until everything is quiet. You know I only record at home, Mama. If only I have a beautiful voice just like you, I would have a chance, Mama. Well, let's just hope that they would listen to the lyrics, instead of the quality of my voice.

That's all for now, Mama. My birthday is coming soon.

Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Since Ralph is now graduating...

Dear Mama,

Can I quit now? Seriously, Mama. I want to follow you. I'm tired, Mama. I can't go on anymore.

I also want to rest, Mama.

Please?


Daddy

What did I do?

Dear Mama,

What did I do this time? Why is Gail mad at me? Why is she upset? I didn't do anything wrong. All I did was expressed my feelings. The last thing I would like to do is to make her mad at me. You know that Mama, right?

Do I really have to let it all go and forget about her? Is she not the one, Mama? Don't you approve of her? I don't know what to do. First, you have to leave me... and now, Gail.

I'm sorry, Mama. All I've been writing about is Gail these past few days. I'm doing my best to forget her, Mama. I swear. I guess I should try harder.

Don't worry Mama, the kids are not being taken for granted. I promised you that, Mama.

Until my next letter, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Am I upsetting you?

Dear Mama,

I wish there could be a way to know how you're feeling about these things I'm doing right now. I hope I am not upsetting you for all those poems, songs and quotes I am doing for Gail. You know it doesn't mean I have forgotten about you , Mama. It doesn't also mean that I love you less. I hope you understand what I'm going through.

The thing is, all of these actually do not amount to anything for her and I do not understand why I keep on doing them still. But rest assured that I will never let the kids' welfare be compromised. I promised that I will never put anything or anyone on top of them.

If ever she would reciprocate, I would be the happiest. Unfortunately, I know that it is close to impossible.

Anyway, I really do not have anything much to say now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Ralph will finally graduate

Dear Mama,

I was able to get my first salary from my new job yesterday, that means I will be able to pay for his back accounts and graduation fee in school, Mama. Isn't that great?! Ralph will finally graduate! Now, all I have to worry about is his OJT fee and fifth year tuition fee, and by his review time next year, I hope I am financially stable.

Good thing that my new job came just in time. I hope I can be wise and prudent in handling our finances this time Mama, so I can take care of all the needs of the kids. Don't worry, I promised you I will take care of them and I will do just that. No one can make me forget that promise, Mama. I may look lovesick or delirious sometimes, but I assure you, the kids' welfare is still my first priority.

Anyway, got to prepare for today's work. Will buy pandesal for breakfast and will wake up the kids. Bye for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I really miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

You'll be proud of me yet...

Dear Mama,

I know I'm slow, but I also know that someday you will be proud of me too. I may not be the best father but I am doing my best to provide for the kids' needs. Sometimes, I can't do much that I can't really give everything. But believe me Mama, I am doing everything I can. Soon, Ralph would graduate from college. I hope he would know what to do. He would still still need to study, though. I will always be there to support him.

Another thing, Mama is the songwriting contest I've mentioned in my last letter. I really want to join that. I hope I would be given a break this time and my song would be included in the final list and make you proud. Maybe, she would be proud of me too Mama. Right? I'm sorry.

Anyway, I'll stop now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you.

I love you Mama.


Daddy

Another songwriting contest

Dear Mama,

There's another songwriting contest, and I'm dreaming of joining again. I will submit two songs if I can finish the second one. The first song is the one I wrote back in 1995 which was inspired by the Mt. Pinatubo eruption. I'm still not yet finish with the second song, Mama. It's a song that I am writing for Gail, although I don't know if she would even hear it. Having it included in the finals would give me a chance to let her hear it, Mama.

Sorry, I'm talking about her again. I can't help it. It's irritating me as well, Mama. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm sorry, Mama.

Anyway, I hope I will have some luck in this contest. If only I were a better singer, I would have a better chance. Just wish me luck... because I need it very badly.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Why do I keep on missing her?

Dear Mama,

I know I promise to forget her... but why can't I stop thinking about her? No, don't worry Mama. I am still able to do my work, take care of the kids, perform my responsibilities, etc. But all of these I do with her in my mind. I am trying my best to stop it, but I just keep on missing her, Mama. I know this wouldn't really lead to anything especially since she will never love me nor even like me.

I really don't know what to do, Mama. It's consuming me.



Daddy

2nd week on my new job

Dear Mama,

I just want to say good morning. It's the start of another week. My second week on my new job now, I hope I'll be more productive and contribute more so that they will feel that they made the right decision in hiring me.

I also wish that I can finally pay for Ralph's tuition and graduation fee by Saturday so he can finally graduate.

I really don't have anything much to say today, Mama. Nothing much happened cause it was a long weekend and we stayed home, the kids and I. I promised you I will never talk about... her again.

Please take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

I need your embrace

Dear Mama,

I wish I could feel your embrace right now. I really need it. Nothing new really, Mama. I just want to feel your embrace.

Yesterday, I went to La Pieta to visit you. It's been a while since I went there, Mama. I'm sorry. The last I was there was November 1 last year. I didn't visit on February 14, your death anniversary nor on your birthday last November. I was afraid to find place desecrated again, I wouldn't know what to do. Good thing it was okay yesterday when I visited it. Except for the grasses which already grew because I am no longer paying for the caretaker.

Next week I'll be getting Angel's report card, and perhaps Edgar's grades will be released too. After that, it'll be enrollment of the two I will be looking forward to. Ralph on the other hand, has his graduation scheduled on the 27th of this month. I am still not sure if he can join the graduation because I still haven't raised enough funds for the balance on his tuition fee.

Anyway, other than problems on finances, which are not really new, we are fine, Mama. The kids and I are okay. They're healthy, behaved and are well. I am okay too. Trying to pick up the pieces and move on for the sake of the kids. So don't worry, Mama. I promise to take care of them, and I will fulfill that promise.

Well, I've said a mouthful again. Until my next letter, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Going out for Visita Iglesia

Dear Mama,

I will be going out with the kids in a while. We will be having our Visita Iglesia, Mama. It's the fourth straight year now that we are doing this. I'm glad we still have this family activity that we can share together. How I wish you are still here Mama and join us in our Visita Iglesa. I'm sure you are watching us and is still with us in spirit.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you Mama.


Daddy

I will try to forget her...

Dear Mama,

Sorry about my last letter. I promise I will let go of this feeling and will try to forget Gail. I knew it wasn't meant to be... I promise to take good care of the kids. I'm sorry, Mama.

Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

My first day at my new job...

Dear Mama,

Today was my first day at my new job. It was okay, Mama. Nothing's exciting happened. I'm still trying to make heads or tails on what I was doing. Although, I am glad I was already busy on my first day. There are still lots of work to be done, and I still have to learn. I really hope I can deliver on the task expected of me.

But what's funny, Mama was that, all throughout the day I was thinking of Gail. AS IN. I never thought I'd miss her this bad, Mama. If only she knew how much she means to me. How I wish I can make her see.... I love her, Mama. If only there is something I can do to make her love me too.

I'm sorry, Mama. I don't know if it's okay to tell you all this. But you wanted me to be happy, right? And only Gail can give me that happiness right now... but she wouldn't, Mama... she wouldn't.

If only there is something I can do...

Take care of yourself, Mama. Sorry for this letter... sorry for being honest.

I miss you, Mama. I love you.


Daddy