It's your birth month

Dear Mama,

    It's the first day of November. It's the start of your birth month, Mama. The kids and I will not be going to the cemetery this time, Mama. We'll be visiting there some other days. The sun has started to shine now, although based on the news there is another typhoon coming. It might rain again in a little while, Mama.

    Honestly, I really wish it will still rain, Mama. At least the rain would suppress the noises and activities that bring me anxieties. I know that's too selfish, Mama. I'm sorry. I'm just tired of feeling this anxiety within me.

    But my wish is that I will be already with you on your birthday on the 29th, Mama. I'm having a difficult time trying to convince myself that I can still go on. Nobody likes me here. And I mean, nobody, Mama. I guess I have already outlived my usefulness. 

    I wish I can be with you, Mama. I miss you.

    I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy

After the typhoon

Dear Mama,

    Typhoon Paeng has just passed, but there's another one coming, if it hasn't arrived yet. Quite symbolical of our life, right Mama? A new storm after passing a recent one. It was quiet last night, but I am not sure if it will be quiet again tonight. And my anxiety is once again consuming me, Mama.

    That's why I feel so guilty sometimes because I wish it would rain, because at least the rain would suppress the noise, if not altogether prevent it from happening. But other places are suffering if there will be continued rain.

    Ralph is having difficulty walking again, Mama. His gout got worse this morning, or maybe it even started last night. How can I help him, Mama? Am I such a bad father for letting things like this happen to our children? Why can't I do anything?!

    If only you were still here with us, Mama, our children will be taken care of well. They won't get sick, and perhaps they will be even more successful in life. I really wish it was the other way around for us, Mama. Our children would have been in better situations now.

    I'm sorry for failing you and the children, Mama.

                                                                                                Daddy

A long weekend

 Dear Mama,

    It's Saturday, 5:34 a.m. and the second day of our long weekend. I am supposed to be in Cebu by now, we were supposed to go there yesterday but all flights to and from Cebu were cancelled because of the typhoon. It's just fine with me, but not with my officemates who were looking forward to the trip. Well, there will be probably next time.

    Ralph did not come home last night, Mama. He worked onsite yesterday and went to their manager's house in Mabalacat after office. Since it was already late when they probably finished there, he spent the night at his friend who lives within the area. He'll probably be home before lunchtime today.

    I'm getting anxious again, Mama. The loud music beside our house is starting again, and it looks like there's nothing I can do. The barangay doesn't care, and the city government doesn't care. I feel useless because of this. What should I do, Mama?

    I did not do the laundry today, which I usually do on early morning of weekends, because it's raining today. Maybe later, if the rain stopped, I'll do the laundry. I'll also go out today to pay for our electric bill.

    That will be my updates for now, Mama. It will be a long weekend and we will be back to work on Wednesday. I wish you're here with us now, Mama. I miss you. I need you, Mama.

    I love you

                                                                                                                Daddy

Home after weekend dinner at SM

 Dear Mama,

    We just got home, the kids and I. We went to SM City Clark this afternoon because I wanted to spend some time outside. I did not have any money. I asked Ralph if he can pay for our dinner tonight, which he did, Mama. We ate at a Japanese restaurant and our bill was quite big as it was almost P3,000. I will make sure that the next we are out, I will have some money, Mama.

    Tomorrow is another day at work, and on Friday we will be flying to Cebu. Our company, that is. I am not excited, Mama. I wish I did not say yes, but I guess there's nothing I can do now. I will have to go with them.

    Last night, I submitted another entry to a songwriting contest, Mama. I am not really sure, I just checked the website to see how the mechanics are. I was filling in the form and kept on clicking yes. When asked for my mp3 files to send, I just searched what was available on my songs and before I knew it, submission was completed and successful. Let's see things turn out.

    I will be resting in a while, Mama. Will just be tidying up and then I will go to sleep.

    I hope this anxiety will go away, and I could live a normal life without worries.

    I miss you, Mama. I love you.

    

                                                                                                            Daddy

A week after

 Dear Mama,

    Hi! It's 10:10 a.m. now, Mama, Saturday. Edgar is preparing our lunch. He just got home after getting his certificate for his driving lessons last week. He now only needs to convert his student license to non-pro. Not sure when, because he still needs to practice driving since there might be actual driving test when he applies for the license. The problem is, there is no car he can practice on. So, I guess it might take a while, Mama.

    Angel is still looking for a job. Most of the jobs she is applying are in Metro Manila, which I am not really comfortable with. We know Angel has never been away from us, Mama. I'm not sure if she will be okay if she gets a job away from home. I'm not sure if I'm going to be okay with that.

    Ralph is still with his company, home-based. Although there will be occasional times they will be asked to report to office, like next Friday, October 28.

    Mama, I came home last night at around 10 p.m. after our onsite Toastmasters meeting. Remember the grillery next door to us? There was an event last night, and the sounds and music were quite loud. And it did not stop until around 1:00 a.m., and I wasn't able to sleep immediately after that. The noise is back, Mama, and so is my anxiety. Is there really nothing I can do about this?

    I'm tired, Mama. I feel so useless. I can't event assert my right to have a peaceful home. Nobody listens. I want to quit, Mama.

                                                                                                        Daddy

Weekend update

 Dear Mama,

    It's Saturday evening, and it's almost 7:30 p.m. Ralph came home this morning from Subic. I thought he would be staying there only for the weekend last week, but he stayed the whole week and only went back home today. Well, I guess he needed the break. We had a bit of altercation last week before he left for Subic. I hope the break did him good.

    Edgar had his first day of driving lesson today, Mama. He will be back tomorrow for his second 4-hours session. He said he was nervous, which was understandable as he has never really drove before. Today was literally the first time he was behind the steering wheel. Maybe tomorrow he'll get more comfortable. However, it will be his last day tomorrow. After that, he won't be able to practice again as he has no vehicle to practice on. Anyway, maybe we can find something to fix that, Mama.

    Angel is applying for a new job again, Mama. She said she was already accepted in one. It is an online job based in Singapore, and she'll be doing graphics works. She just needed to show some sample of her works so they can check if she indeed qualifies. She needs to create a portfolio of her projects, Mama. Good thing Ralph agreed when Angel asked him if she can borrow his laptop.

    As for me, I'm okay, Mama. Except I've been having anxieties again lately. There has been some renovations on the grillery beside us, and from what I heard they will be having performers again. It looks like we won't be having peaceful nights anymore. I hope I'm wrong, Mama. I don't think I can handle another of that situation. The last time we had that, my stress level went up and I started taking my maintenance medicine for hypertension.

    That's all the update I have for now, Mama. I wish I can be with you soon. I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                    Daddy

Just another letter

 Dear Mama,

    It's been almost a week since my last letter, I thought I would be able to write more often. Unfortunately, I was so distracted and disorganized. My anxiety is killing me again, Mama. I'm sorry. This is the reason why I don't write as much, I know I will just whine since there's nobody here beside me.

    We just finished our lunch. It's only Edgar, Angel, and I this weekend. Ralph left home early yesterday, Friday, for their company outing in Subic. He'll back tomorrow, Sunday.

    As I mentioned earlier, I have been distracted by a lot of things. My anxiety is almost killing me, Mama. There are developments again in the grill beside us, they are having it renovated. And based from what I was told by their employee, they will be having live bands again, Mama. It will be noisy again beside us, and there's nothing I can do. I'm useless, Mama.

    If only I became rich and successful, they won't be doing this to us. I'm such a failure, Mama. I cannot protect our children. I'm sorry. 

    I'm really tired, Mama. I want to go home and be with you.

                                                                                            Daddy

Samgyupsal with the kids

 Dear Mama,

    Yesterday, I went out to pay our electric bill. After roaming around Nepo Mall, I messaged the kids who were at home if they like to have samgyupsal. They agreed, so I met them at around 6:00 p.m. at the designated place, and of course, we ate until we are full.

    Actually, the place we went was where one of my fellow member at the songwriter's club regularly sing acoustic. Unfortunately, he came in at around 7:00 p.m. and we were already about to leave. Just waited for him to start and finish one song, then the kids and I went home.

    That was all about this letter, Mama. I just wish you were still with us especially when we go out like this.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy

Me and my overthinking

 Dear Mama,

    I just delivered an educational talk last night at our club's workshop and shared some tips in speechwriting. I think it went well and I was able to share something with my fellow Toastmasters.

       So far, it's been quiet here in our neighborhood and yet my anxiety doesn't seem to diminish, Mama. Every time I am about to go home from work, every time night time approaches, the anxiety inside becomes consuming and I cannot concentrate on what I am doing. So much so that I cannot even do anything. It seems that at any time, something will happen here. What's wrong with me, Mama?

        I'm sorry, Mama. I know I shouldn't be bothering you with this nonsense. I just don't have anyone I can tell these to.

        Anyway, I will be sleeping in a while. I am just trying to finish my speech for our next club meeting. I hope I will be able to finish even just a draft of my speech.

        Goodbye for now, Mama. Until my next letter.

        I miss you, Mama.

        I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy