Hold my hands...

Hold my hands, Mama. Don't let me give up... please.

Help me be strong for the kids, Mama.

...

Dear Mama,

I don't know what I'm going to say to you right now. I want to quit, yet I know I can't. I am distracted right now, Mama. Too many things going  on now, both good and bad... and then worse.

There are still no results in the songwriting contest, Angel and I attended a scriptwriting workshop yesterday and now she wants to join in the short film making contest, I still haven't published my short story book yet and I do not know if I should still continue with it, and I am about to lose my job again. That is if I am going to quit.

Still not in the best of health right now Mama, physically, mentally, emotionally... and I believe I am also spiritually malnourished. Otherwise, I would not be as disturbed as I am right now. It's really hard going through all these things alone. I wish you're here by my side, Mama. So at least I can hold your hand, or hug you. That would make me feel better.

I'm tired, Mama. I can't always be that strong. I need you, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Good morning

Dear Mama,

Just want to say good morning. I'm feeling better now. I hope things turn out better too this day, and the rest of the week.

Angel is already in school, the two boys are still sleeping. Will be preparing for work in a while, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Was that vertigo?

Dear Mama,

When I woke up this morning, I felt dizzy when I tried to stand up. It seemed everything around me was moving. I thought I would passed out. It was just a few seconds, Mama. But it was painful. And all throughout the day, I felt it a couple of times, especially when I looked down or everytime I try to stand up from lying. It was the first that this happened to me, Mama. I went to bed early last night, and I was fine. I don't know what triggered it.

This afternoon, I went to the hospital to have my BP checked. I felt relieved that it was normal, although I was still puzzled. I also feel a little pain at the back of my neck, Mama. I thought I was just having a stiff neck because I can't look behind me without turning my whole body.

Right now, I feel fine although I still feel dizzy sometimes but not as painful as it was this morning. Maybe tomorrow I'll be better, Mama.

That will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Going home after attending the workshop

Dear Mama,

I was able to attend the workshop today and went home without any hassle. The workshop was more of a symposium, actually. It wasn't interactive, aside from the crowd singing with Ryan Cayabyab. The finalists who made it the Philpop songwriting contest were also presented. Now, I know why I lost. They were good, Mama. I really do not stand a chance. If only I can play the guitar and sing better. Maybe I would have a chance.

Anyway, on my way home, while on bus... I suddenly felt a sting. I became sad. I imagine myself on the bus then, going home for the weekend after working five days in Makati. You were texting and asking were am I already and of course, telling me to take care. It was a nice and warm feeling. But this afternon, from Manila to Angeles, my phone was silent. All of a sudden, I felt the emptiness once more.

I don't know why. It was farthest from my mind. I guess I'm going through that episode again.

Well I better stop now before I start whining again. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

Songwriting workshop and senior citizen insinuation

Dear Mama,

I am very much excited for the songwriting workshop tomorrow. I will get to meet The Maestro, Ryan Cayabyab, who will be conducting the workshop. I hope I can make my time worthwhile. I mean, I hope I could reach out and really participate instead of just being so quiet at the back. I hope I can get something from the experience, and of course, I wish I can have the guts to ask Mr. Cayabyab for a photo opportunity. It would make the workshop participation complete, right Mama?

You know what, Mama? I bought medicine on my way home at Mercury Drugstore at the highway. I was surprised because the saleslady asked me I have a senior citizen card. I dismissed it at first and proceeded with my business. When I asked for vitamins, she asked me if I wanted the premium type, the one which is for 50 years old and above. Imagine that! Do I really look that old?! I know I already have white hairs, but they're not all white, Mama. How tactless can that saleslady be? She should be thankful I was not my grumpy old self.

Anyway, I guess it's inevitable. I know I'm growing old and I'll do it all alone... until I'll be with you once again, Mama. By then, growing old won't mean a thing to me anymore because I am with you once again. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I feel sleepy

Dear Mama,

I feel sleepy. But I don't think this is just plain 'sleep.' It's just like the one I felt when you slapped my face because I needed to wake up. If ever Mama, please be there to meet me. Just in case I won't be able to fight it.

Take care, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

joint paints

I am sick Mama. My body aches all over. It's so painful, Mama. Wish you were here.

What is this?

Dear Mama,

What is this I am feeling? Last night, while I was on the computer, I feel sleepy. I wasn't able to fight it. I had to stop and lie down, Mama. I always feel sleepy and tired, even just when I wake up. Today, I wake up with the pain in back, and the back of my neck. I also feel pain in my wrists, Mama. I hope it's not CTS.

Am I still normal? I don't want to go the doctor. I'd rather use the money for the children's needs. I hope it's nothing serious. I wish you were here, Mama. I could use a hug right now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Home after celebrating Ralph's birthday

Dear Mama,

Just came home after eating out with the kids to celebrate Ralph's 20th birthday. We just ate at the steak house here in Marisol. Ralph wanted to try the Japanese restaurant in Balibago, but it was raining so I opted that we eat somewhere near instead. After all, in our 4 years stay here in Marisol, we haven't tried that place yet.

It was okay. It wasn't that expensive and the kids had their fill of steak, which we rarely do. If I am not mistaken, it was actually their first time. After eating, instead of dessert at the restaurant, we just went to a nearby store after eating. We bought ice cream and took it home to eat, Mama. I believe that was better and more practical.

Anyway, the kids will be resting now, and I will be too in a while. I wasn't a big celebration Mama, but at least we were able to spend time together.

Guess that will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Ralph will be turning 20 tonight

Dear Mama,

Our son Ralph will be turning 20 tonight. He will be no longer be a teener, Mama. No, we're not yet really okay. I just have to let it go for now. It's his birthday, I don't want him to be stressed, fee; anxious or depressed on his birthday. I wish I would know how to handle him, Mama.

I am planning to take them out tomorrow night, Mama. Unfortunately, I am not  sure if it will push through. I have not yet received my salary and I am not sure if we will have it tomorrow. Worse, I don't have enough money right now to give to the kids for their allowance tomorrow. I hope things will get better soon, Mama.

I will have to stop here. I might start complaining again. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

I am a loser

Dear Mama,

I am really a loser! An ASSHOLE! I over-reacted again. I shouted at Ralph over phone because I learned from Angel that he will be staying overnight in his classmate's house. I got mad because he didn't tell me. He never tell me anything anymore, Mama. It's like I do not exist anymore to him. Am I that such a father, Mama?

I don't know what else to do, Mama.


Daddy

Exams, tuition fee deadlines, Ralph's birthday and Angel's audition

Dear Mama,

It's Angel's exam week and you know they will be asking for payments so she can get her exam permit. I will be filling up another promissory note just to get her permit, I am not sure thought if they will allow me because I will not be making any partial payment this time, Mama. Payday won't be until Friday and I need to get her permit before that day. I know, they will again look at me from head to toe, before approving my promissory note. If ever they do, Mama.

Then it occurred to me, Edgar will be having their final examinations soon. During finals, they do not allow promissory notes. I need to pay the full balance of his tuition fee, and I really do not know where I will get the money to do so. My work promised me an extra pay for every approved project, and we already have one. I was hoping they will be true to their promise. If not, it will only confirm my earlier apprehension -- that I made the wrong decision. Worst, the kids have to suffer for it, Mama.

Ralph will also be having his finals, but he can still take the exam without permit. However, I still need to raise the money for his tuition fee, both his balance for this semester and his down payment for the next semester. I don't know where to go, Mama.

Speaking of Ralph, he will be celebrating his birthday on Friday. I just used the word celebrated in the absence of a better term, but there will no celebration really. He will be turning 20, Mama. I don't know, maybe I'll just cook something for him on weekend. I'm sorry, Mama.

Angel would like to join an audition for the new GMA 7 TV show, Mama. The problem is, the audition will be held on Thursday, and they have class on that day. She wants to allow her to join the audition even if it means being absent from class. Of course, I did not allow her. Again, I am the reason for her not fulfilling her dream.

What else? All I've been saying to you are my incapability, inadequacy, and ineffectiveness as a single father, Mama. I know I am being a disappointment to you, but I'm trying my best. I'm sorry for my shortcomings, Mama. I wish I will have the opportunity to make up for all of these.

I will say goodbye for now, Mama. Again, I'm really sorry. Take care of yourself, always. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

failing...

Dear Mama,

I'm failing again. I wish I can find more strength to continue.

I need you, Mama.


Daddy

Nothing...

Dear Mama,

I got nothing to say. Nothing that will make say, that's what I mean. I do not know, Mama. One second, I'm good,  inspired and motivated... and the next, I just feel like I want to end it all.

It's insane, Mama.

I don't know what to do.


Daddy

Good morning, Mama

Dear Mama,

Good morning!

That's really all I wanted to say right now. I woke up early today. I was not feeling well last night and I retired early. I still some pains, but I am slightly better, Mama.

I hope this day will be a good one.

I need to prepare for the day, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Angel's rice ball

Dear Mama,

It's Angel's turn to prepare a surprise for us. She prepared rice ball for dinner. It was nice. She still has to practice, but it's okay. You would have been proud of her, Mama.

Anyway, I do not have much to say right now, Mama. Nothing's new. Nothing exciting is happening, it is still boring here.

I guess I should end my letter now, lest I bore you too. Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

My first shrimp dish

Dear Mama,

Today I cooked Buttered Garlic Shrimp. I learned the recipe and procedures from YouTube, Mama. I searched for a shrimp dish because Angel has been requesting for me to cook something with shrimp. I was reluctant Mama, fortunately it turned out well. I wish you could have tasted it, Mama. You might have loved it too and you would have been proud of me. Angel gave it a score of 10.

I'm trying my best to fill in the shoes you left Mama, especially in the kitchen. I wish I can cook more real foods for the kids. I guess, they may not say it, but I'm sure they miss your cooking Mama. I know I do, Mama... just like how I miss you.

Until my next kitchen conquest, Mama. You're still the best cook for me. I miss you, Mama. Take care of yourself.

I love you.


Daddy

Our water pipe and Angel's new jacket

Dear Mama,

One of our water pipe was broken yesterday. We had to turn off the main water valve to prevent water from flowing freely inside the house. I tried to fix it but it only worsened the problem. I was looking for a quick fix to it, but when I asked from the hardware store this morning, they told me there's no shortcut to fixing the pipe. Instead, they taught me what I should do. Which I tried and I learned that it wasn't that easy. Until I gave up. Still, we have no water.

I tried asking again, this time from those open  shelves hardware stores inside the mall. Again, I was told that there's no shortcut and told me to do what the first hardware store also told me. So, I had no choice. When I went back home, I did was I told. I almost wanted to give up again until finally, I was able to do what they wanted me to do and I was able to fixed the pipe and so now, we have water again. Oh well, I'm still not old to learn new things, Mama.

This evening, Angel and I went to the grocery after having dinner. Before going home, we passed by a clothes store inside the mall and I showed her the jacket I told her a few days before. She was asking me to buy her a varsity jacket Mama since two months ago. We asked for the price of the jacket, it was P400. It wasn't really on the budget, but I thought that if I didn't buy the jacket at that instance, I might not be able to buy her anymore. So, I bought the jacket and Angel was very happy.

Edgar will be having their midterm exams next week. I already got his permit. As usual Mama, I once again signed a promissory note just to get his permit. I hope there will come a time when I won't have to sign any promissory note just for our kids to take their exams.

I really wish things would be better soon, Mama. Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Take care of yourself, Mama. Until my next letter. I miss you, Mama.


I love you.


Daddy