Happy new year, Mama!

 Dear Mama,

    Happy new year!

    It's the first day of 2022, Mama. The kids and I did not go out today, though. I was a bit lazy to go out or do anything. Besides, Angel only slept at around 10 a.m. today, so it's not really possible for us to go out. Although, we might go out tomorrow. 

    We just had barbecue for our Media Noche last night, Mama. All meats, and a dessert given to us from Sta. Teresita. Then, I just observed all the celebrations outside. Edgar was out, too because he was trying to console Chuchi. You know how dogs are affected by all the fireworks. Good thing there wasn't much last as in previous years.

    Ralph, who was originally scheduled to report to the office on the 3rd of January will be staying a bit longer here. They will still be on a work-from-home set up until further notice. Which was a good thing because Metro Manila is once again placed on a stricter quarantine control because of a recent event. 

    Mama, is there a possibility for us to move to another house soon? The environment here is really stressing me out, and I don't know what to do. Either I quarrel with neighbors every day or just suffer silently which is not helpful to my mental health. Moving out, however, is not that simple. I may find a place but I just cannot leave because there are a lot of things I need to fix in the house, and I also have to consider our dogs. We need to take them with us when we go.

    I wish you were here, Mama. Things would have been more bearable if I have you by my side. I'm sorry, I'm starting it again. I guess I have to stop for now. Take care of yourself, Mama.

    I miss you.

    I love you, Mama.

                                                                                            Daddy

The year is almost over

 Dear Mama,

    It's only a few days left before 2021 ends. Today is December 28, and the year is almost over. It's seems I haven't accomplished anything in this year, Mama. I'm feeling more a failure every year. It's like I do not have any direction, and just letting things flow. The problem with this is that the children are affected, Mama. I'm sorry.

    I don't even know what to look forward to, Mama. It seems I am just waiting for my time to be with you once again. I don't know what to do. If only you were still here, maybe I might some directions.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                    Daddy

Merry Christmas, Mama!

 Dear Mama,

    It's 2 minutes before midnight, and by the time I finish this it will be past midnight already. Merry Christmas, Mama! It will be our 13th Christmas celebration without you by our side. I will never get used to that, Mama.

    We did not hold the usual family Christmas party, Mama. I'm sorry, I had to break the tradition you started for the second year in a row. You know how it is right now here - both outside our house and inside the house. I do miss holding the family Christmas party, Mama. If only things were the way they used to be.

    We had our early 'Noche Buena.' A bit too early, actually, Mama. We ate at 9:00 p.m.. All our food were prepared by Edgar. He is the one who is cooking now. He really took charge of the food preparation.  By 10:00 p.m., we were already exchanging gifts. And that's how we celebrated our Christmas eve, Mama. No parties, and games. I'm sorry.

    Tomorrow, I'm not sure what we'll be doing. They might want to go out, while I feel like staying home.

    As I mentioned earlier, it's already past midnight. Merry Christmas again, Mama. I wish you were still here with us. I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                Daddy

Something happened last night

 Dear Mama,

    It's December 23, 2021, Thursday, 8:49 p.m. Edgar is not yet home, they are having their Christmas party at the office right now. I'm not sure what time he will be home tonight. Angel won't be out from work until 10 p.m. They had their Christmas lunch earlier before their shift. It's just me and Ralph at home right now, and of course, the dogs.

    Something happened to me last night, Mama. I don't know why, I had anxiety attack. I was restless and breathing heavily. I was crying. I was calling your name, Mama. My extremities were numb. I was tossing around the bed. I did not know what to do. I did not understand what was happening. I was feeling pain, but I can't tell where. That lasted for about 30 minutes, Mama. The kids did not know. I was alone in the room.

    I do not know what triggered it, Mama. Maybe because I was thinking of how much a failure I was as a father. I'm sorry, Mama. I let you down. If only I was a better father. If only I was a better person. I'm sorry, Mama.

    Please forgive me.

                                                                                                    Daddy

Four days before Christmas

 Dear Mama,

    It's December 21, 4 more days before Christmas. I still do not know what we'll be doing for our Christmas party, or if we will be having a Christmas party. I have already completed my gifts for the 3 kids, and have also wrapped them. It's the party itself that isn't planned yet. Most probably, we will be having spaghetti again. 

        Angel is not yet home right now. She'll be out from work at 10 p.m., it's already 9:50 now. She will be here probably after 30 minutes. 

    We are on our Christmas break from work, Mama. I thought I could do some cleaning and housekeeping during the break, instead, I always lie down in bed and worry. Probably, the only productive thing I'm doing right now is the daily laundry. After that, I am almost not doing anything.

        I always feel anxious, Mama. Sometimes, I always feel like there will be noises anytime we are at home. Am I the problem, Mama? This is bothering me. I don't know how to stop this anxiety.

        Anyway, I will stop now before I start whining again. I hope we will be having a peaceful Christmas.

        If only you are still with us. I miss you, Mama.

        I love you.

                                                                                                    Daddy

An early Christmas gift

 Dear Mama,

    I am writing this letter now on my new laptop. The kids gave me an early Christmas gift, they even asked to take a video of my unboxing because none of them was home when I opened it yesterday. Ralph was with his high school friends for an overnight reunion, Edgar and Angel were still at work.

    This past days, I have been using Ralph's old laptop, both for my leisure and Toastmasters activities. There were times it would suddenly slow down or hang up. I guess it's because it was really old. I was planning to buy a new laptop, Mama. But as you know, there were a lot of priorities before I can buy something for myself. Probably the reason why they bought me this laptop, Mama.

    Of course, I am happy and I really appreciate this gift. I just wish they did not. Now, I feel guilty, because I know they do have their own expenses and wanted to buy something for themselves, too. I just hope I will be able to write more with this laptop so that their money and effort will be worth it.

    Anyway, that will be all for now, Mama. I just wanted to tell about my gift. Of course, Angel has already started working. So far, she's still good because they are still in training. I hope she will stay longer, or she will find a better job soon.

    Until my next letter, Mama. I miss you.

    I love you.

                                                                                                Daddy

Not sure what to say here

 Dear Mama,

    Yesterday, the kids and I went out to celebrate our 30th anniversary. Actually, we left a bit late, Angel and I. Edgar left first for the gym at around 2 p.m., while Ralph left before 3 p.m. So, it was only Angel and I at home.

    I actually had no plan, Mama. But around 4 p.m., Angel said her brothers messaged her for us to meet at SM City Clark. That is why we were not able to leave early. We left home at about 5 p.m. Of course, we ate, afterwards we bought some clothes for Angel.

    Angel will be starting her work today at a call center. She will be having her contract and orientation this morning. They will be having a training first, so they are still on daytime schedule. I know soon they'll be on graveyard shift.

    I'm at the office now, and my co-workers are already here. So, I have to finish my letter.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy

Happy anniversary, Mama!

 Dear Mama,

    Today is December 8. It would have been our 30th wedding anniversary, Mama. We could have been happy because we are complete. You could have been proud of our kids.

    How I really wish you are still here with us, Mama. Especially on occasions like this.

    I miss you, Mama.

    Happy anniversary!

    I love you, Mama.

                                                                                            Daddy

Another family day out

 Dear Mama,

    It's Sunday and it's another family day. At least that's what I'm trying it to be. The kids and I went out today, Mama. I actually left the house first and told them to meet me at SM Clark. I just wanted to be alone for a brief period. I was able to pay and update Angel's PhilHealth contribution. I guess that was a good excuse for me to leave earlier.

    Angel and Ralph arrived at around 4 p.m., and after a few minutes Edgar arrived, too. We immediately went to have an early dinner, Mama. I really had no intention of buying anything because there were too many people at the department store, and the lines on all cashiers were long. After dinner, we had coffee at Starbucks as per Angel's request. It was a nice time spent with the kids, Mama.

    Afterwards, we went home. As we were on our way home, my anxiety started building up again. If only there is a way for me to leave this place, Mama. If only there is a better place for us to go which I can afford. The neighborhood is giving me a lot of anxiety. I don't know if I am the problem. What I do know is that this is just one of my failures. I'm sorry, Mama.

    I wish you were with us, Mama. Every time we go out, I am always imagining us to be complete. It could have been a happier family time.

    Oops! I guess, I better stop now before I start whining again.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                    Daddy

Christmas and what's new

Dear Mama,

    It's already December 3, a few more weeks and it's Christmas already. Somehow, I don't feel like "Christmasing" this year. It won't be the same this year, Mama. I'm sorry, for all my failures and shortcomings. I know I can't undo it anymore. I'm really sorry, Mama.

     I went to my doctor this afternoon for my quarterly consultation. I had my lab test yesterday, and I brought the results today to the doctor. I thought it was okay, and were all within the normal range. But the doctor said my cholesterol and sugar levels have increased from the previous quarter. As such, he has increased my dosage for my cholesterol maintenance. I hope that will be the last time, Mama. I don't want to be dependent on medicines.

    Angel got a call this afternoon from a job she applied about 2 weeks ago. She said she got hired and she has agreed to rate they gave her. I hope she will have a good experience with it, Mama. 

    That will be all for now, Mama. I miss you.

    I love you, Mama.

                                                                                Daddy