Dear Mama,

Today is the first day of the new year. I really do not know if I should be worried or be excited. Honestly Mama, right now my heart is filled with anxiety. Our baby will be turning 18 in eight days, and as I told you before, she is drifting away from me. I can feel it.

Within two weeks too, Ate Let will be coming home. Although she will be staying in Pampang, she might visit us to see her house. I do not know what she will say once she sees her house in chaos, she might ask us to move out because we did not take care of her house.

I really do not know what to think now, Mama. My head is full of stuff and I cannot sort them out.

I'm losing it, Mama. I need you.

Daddy

Mama, I feel like I'm losing the battle... if I haven't lost it yet.

I'm sorry, Mama.

Dear Mama,

We had our Christmas party earlier and we finished before midnight. At first I was worried because it looked like Angel does not want to participate, but as the party progressed, I was glad that she was back to the usual little girl who was enjoying her daddy's company. Thank God, the party went well, Mama. I am not sure until when I will be able to pull this off, Mama. I am not sure until when our children will cooperate.

But it was a fun party, Mama. I wish you were here. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Merry Christmas!

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I asked Angel what she wanted to do for her 18th birthday. She was less enthusiastic and she really was not in the mood to celebrate her special day. It's less than 3 weeks from now, Mama and I still do not have anything. I am not sure if it's because she knows there's really nothing I can do and I cannot afford to give her a nice celebration as a debutante, or it is because she is really drifting away from me. I just want to make our baby feel special, Mama. I am sorry.

Tomorrow's Christmas eve. We will once again have our Christmas and continue the tradition you had started then, Mama.

I hope everything will be alright.

I'm barely hanging, Mama.

I need you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

It's just 5 days before Christmas, and it's just 4 days before our Christmas party. I promise to continue doing it as long as I can, Mama. It is one way for us to remember you and celebrate the love you showed and left us. So far, I just planned the theme. We already have the t-shirts and the program but I am still not finished with the food for the noche buena. I still do not know what to prepare, Mama. I just hope I will be able to come out with ideas on time.

The kids are already on vacation, Mama. I still have until Wednesday to work. After that, I will also be on vacation until New Year. Ralph will come home on Tuesday evening, although he might leave again on the 26th, knowing his line of work and how dedicated he is to his tasks.

Well, that will be all for now, Mama. I will update you on the developments of the preparation for the Christmas party. As usual, I wish you are still here with us especially on special days like this. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I've been attempting to write since Wednesday, but every time I logged in I do not know what to say, or rather, how to say it. I've been going through a roller coaster, Mama. I am not sure if it's because of Angel, outside factors, or it's midlife crisis. My mind is going like a whirlwind, Mama. There're a lot happening inside, all at the same time.

I wish I can be more specific and clear, Mama. Sorry, I'm talking vaguely. I honestly do not understand what's going on, like I said, it's a roller coaster.

Sorry, Mama. If only I can hug you right now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Exactly one month from today, our Angel will be turning 18. We do not have anything yet, Mama. I still do not know what to do or what to give her. Everything is still in limbo. I am not even sure if she wants to celebrate with us. I feel like she wants to celebrate with someone else. It looks like my role in her life is already over. I am nothing now but a mere provider, Mama.

Sorry. What am I saying?! I think I'll go to sleep now, Mama.

I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Happy anniversary!

Today could have been our 24th year... I could have done more, Mama. I could have shown you more, I could have taken care of you better... I could have proven my myself more worthy of your love and trust.

Thank you very much for everything, Mama. Happy anniversary!

I love you, Mama... and I miss you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I was looking at our wedding album earlier and I cannot help smiling while trying to hold back the tears in my eyes. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary, It could have been our 24th year, Mama. I am thankful and grateful that you have trusted me. I just wish I were a better husband to you, that I could have taken care of you better... you could have been here with me celebrating our anniversary. 

It's past 8 in the evening and I am alone at the house, Edgar and Angel are still not home. I don't mind being alone, Mama but I cannot help worry about our Angel. She's been out late frequently, all because of school projects and activities. If these reasons are killing me, what more when she learns to go out and hang out with friends? Am I overreacting, Mama?

Anyway, I hope they'll be here soon. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you. Happy anniversary.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

My hands feel better now, although it's not the same anymore. I feel pain every time I try to raise my arms high. I hope this is not something serious, Mama. 

But that is not what I am worried about right now, Mama. I am worried about Angel. She's okay, Mama. I don't know if I am just overreacting but I feel like she's drifting away from me. I feel like I'm a bad father, Mama.

I'm sorry. I knew they would be better off if you are here with them instead of me. I'm really sorry, Mama.

Wish you were here.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I'm having a hard time moving my fingers on my right hand.

help me mama

Dear Mama,

We were able to celebrate your birthday yesterday. I let the kids go ahead while I bought some food and brought it to Nanay in Sta. Teresita so they could feel the celebration as well, then I met the kids at Marquee Mall.

We were there at around 3:30 p.m., since the buffet dinner will start at 5 p.m., we just roamed around the mall, looking for something buy. Ralph and his girlfriend bought some toys for their godchildren,  while Edgar and Angel bought personal stuff. You know, the kind of things that they do not really need but for some reason they think they do. Then we went to Timezone where they played table hockey. Angel actually wanted to sing in the KTV booth, Mama. Unfortunately, none was available then.

We then went to Yakimix, 10 minutes before 5 and just waited until they opened and called the names of those with reservations. What's funny was everyone was all gathering near the door, literally blocking the way, as if it was on a first come, first serve basis. When they started calling, of course, we were the first one to be called since I always make reservations one week in advance. 

The kids enjoyed the meal and the time spent there, Mama. Edgar, who was actually the one who requested that we go back to Yakimix, spent most of the time grilling food. Angel just ate some sushi and immediately started with the desserts. Ralph, well you know him Mama, almost everything. Since it was Marnelle's birthday (Ralph's girlfriend), the personnel there sang, and danced, happy birthday for her.

After Yakimix, we went to back to Timezone to see if there are already KTV boots available. Angel really wanted to sing, Mama. Fortunately, the big booths are already available then and they were able to sing a few songs. We spent almost an hour inside the booth, Mama. Angel wanted to stay longer but Ralph's card has insufficient balance already. Then we went home, Mama.

All in all, it was a great time. It's getting rare, and expensive, this bonding moments when the kids are all complete. Soon I know, it will become rarer, Mama. Edgar will be graduating next year, and then Angel will have her priorities. I'm already preparing myself, Mama.

Anyway, it was a great time. I wish you were with us. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Happy birthday!

We celebrate another birthday without you. Nothing can make your absence more pronounced like special occasions. Next week we will be having our wedding anniversary, and again we will celebrate without you, then of of course it will be Christmas and New Year.

I have been blessed lately and I know this is all because of the good seeds you planted, Mama. But all these blessings would have been more meaningful if you are still here with me. I could have made you happier... I could have taken care of you better... I could have shown you what you really deserve, Mama.

Life can be cruel and ironic sometimes, it has deprived us when we needed it most. Of course, I cannot complain now and I'm thankful for the blessings that come our way. I just wish.... 

Oh well, happy birthday Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I'm alone at home again today, and it's Friday night. Angel went out earlier, she said they will be having a practice for their mass dance for the upcoming sports fest, Edgar is still in school but he'll be home in a while, it's almost 8 p.m.

Got really nothing to tell for updates, Mama. I'm just excited for Sunday when we go out to celebrate your birthday. The 3 kids will be complete, and we will be eating out. We'll be roaming around the mall before we eat, Mama. Maybe we would buy some gifts for Christmas. 

I will be planning for the Christmas party again, and I do not know what to prepare again. Maybe I will go again with spaghetti, or maybe nachos and dips. I don't know, Mama. I'm still not use to planning, I always stress myself every time this season comes.

Anyway, that will be all for now, Mama. Until my next letter. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I almost bought a badminton racquet today. Almost, because while I was on a jeepney on the way to the sports store, I received a text message from Edgar. He said they will be going to Manila tomorrow to make reservations for the review school they will be enrolling next year after they graduate. Of course, that means he will be needing money to pay for the reservations, and also his transportation and food allowance for the trip. It's a good thing I have not reached my destination yet, Mama otherwise I would have spent the money. Naturally, I did not proceed because Edgar's review is more important. I can always buy that racquet some other day.

It's a good thing that Edgar and his friends are already preparing for their review, Mama. Actually, I have been nagging him, in a subtle way, every now and then if they are already planning and looking for review school and a place to stay while they are reviewing. Every time he would answer they have already discussed it in passing. At least now, they are doing something about it. I hope they will have a safe trip tomorrow, Mama. Please guide our son on his travel.

That will be all for now, Mama. Angel is fine, haven't heard from Ralph so that means he must be fine too. I can't wait for weekend to come because we will be spending time together again, the kids and I, and celebrate your birthday, Mama. I really wish you were still with us, it would have been a merrier celebration. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I just finished ironing the uniforms of the kids for next week, although I might iron again sometime midweek because they only have 3 sets of uniforms each. In a while we will be having our dinner, Mama. It will just be canned tuna for now.

I'm tired, Mama. I want to rest. I want to hold your hands and embrace you. I miss you,  Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

We just arrived home from Sta. Teresita where we celebrated Koya Fel and Ate Vangie's birthday. Ralph was with us, he came home last night. He will leave for Makati tomorrow but he'll be back next weekend so we can celebrate your birthday.

Mama, I feel so down and sad right now. My song lost again in the songwriting contest. It looks like I will never really make it. Maybe I should stop dreaming about it and not even attempt joining any of those songwriting contests again. I'm no musician. I will never make it. I'm only making a fool  of myself.

I really wish I can hug you right now, Mama. I need you. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Angel feels better now. She was already okay this morning but I did not let her go to school, that is why I did not work too lest she might go to school once I leave. Anyway, I already told the office that I will not work today. I just want to make sure that she's okay. Thank you very much for taking care of her, Mama. I knew it was you. Thank you for still looking after us.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Angel is sick. She arrived home from school this afternoon and said she's not feeling well. Our Angel has fever, Mama. She got stressed on the first week of classes. I told her not to go to school tomorrow and rest, I also will not be going to work tomorrow so I can look after her, Mama.

Earlier, she said she was cold. I prepared soup for her, Mama. After eating, she felt better... or at least, better that how she was when she arrived earlier. She's resting now, Mama. We still haven't taken our dinner yet. I'm still cooking, and I guess we will be waiting for Edgar too.

Please help me take care of Angel, Mama. Help me make her well.

Thank you, Mama.

I miss you and I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I just received a text message from Ralph that he has already boarded a bus. He left for Makati today after lunch. It's a good thing he was able to immediately get on a bus in Dau, you know how it is there on Sundays. That is why he is leaving early even if it is still hot.

I cooked tinola for lunch today, Mama. Angel has been requesting for it, and Ralph is here so I thought it will be a good time to cook. I think I did pretty well, Mama. The kids liked it, Angel said it's good. Of course, it is still far from how you cooked, Mama, but it's not bad. I wish I can cook more food for them.

Ralph will be back on the month-end so we can celebrate your birtday, Mama. We might just go out, the kids and I. Edgar is requesting that we go back to Yakimix and the two are inclined to agree with him, so I guess that is where we will be, Mama. It's just too sad celebrating a birthday when the celebrant is not around. Wish you could be with us.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

We just arrived home, the kids and I. The three kids, that is. Ralph came home this morning. We went out after lunch and doing some chores. First we went to Jenra and Nepo Mall, then we proceeded to Marquee Mall where we stayed until evening.

We also had our dinner there, Mama. We had a great time. It's rare that we are complete like this, that is why I cherish these moments, Mama. Too bad, our kids aren't the type that like taking pictures, but it's okay. I will always remember watching them talking to each other and teasing each other. I hope they will stay that way even when I am gone, Mama.

Well, that's it for now, Mama. I just wanted to tell you what we did today. I wish you were with us, it could have been more fun. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Good morning. It's another weekend. I don't know how to make this another worthwhile and memory-worthy weekend for the kids, Mama. I am not sure if Ralph will be coming today or not. Edgar will be going to school this morning, and Angel said she would like to rest and sleep today. I hope I can do some cleaning today so I can prepare the house for Christmas.

That's all I have to say right now, Mama. Still too lazy to prepare for the day.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I wish I can tell our kids everything that I want to tell them... and still accept me.

I wish, Mama.. I wish.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

We just arrived home, Edgar, Angel, and I. We went to SM Clark this afternoon to buy a bag for Angel. Actually, that was our only purpose. I told Angel that we will just buy her bag and then we will go home and we won't be eating out. 

Unfortunately, I cannot always hold my word on that. Knowing that this moment have become so rare lately, and will be more scarce in the days to come, I do not want to go home without treating them, even if it's just my last money. I can always do something about that, but I will not be able to bring back the opportunity to spend more time with them again.

Anyway, it was worth it, Mama. I don't regret breaking my budget for them. Unfortunately, again, there are no pictures to capture the moment. Our kids are not the type who want to take photo of their every move. But I don't mind, I will always have the memories.

Well, that's it for now, Mama. Tomorrow's Monday and Angel's first day for the second semester. 

Good night, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Sorry I have not written to you for the whole week. I just do not have anything new  to say. Angel's class have not started yet last week, they will start this coming week. Edgar's started last week but it seems there's no regular  classes yet as they already have an activity on the first week of class.

Edgar is not here right now, he left this afternoon at around 4 p.m. He'll be coming back tomorrow. He and his classmates will go to the house of one of their friends who will be celebrating his birthday. I just let him socialize lest he will be anti-social and friendless like me.

It's just Angel and I right now. She is cleaning her room, it's already 6 p.m. and she is not yet finished. She started late, Mama. Actually, she started just before 4 p.m. when I nagged her to clean her room. She has so many clutters and she does not want me to touch anything, otherwise I could have cleaned her room for her. 

I'm just waiting for the rice to be cooked. I'm not yet sure if we'll be having an early dinner or a late one. Depends on the mood of Angel, if she wants to finish her chore or if she wants to eat dinner first. 

That's about it, Mama. Ralph is in Makati and he'll be coming home next weekend. I plan to take them out on your birthday, Mama. How I wish you could join us. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

We just arrived home, Angel, Edgar, and I. We went out and walked to McDonalds in Highway for sundae ice cream. Depression is getting to be expensive, Mama. I took the kids out so I would forget how I feel, and at same time spend some time with them. It was nice, talking to the kids sans the gadgets. I just wish I can tell them everything that's happening inside me.

That will be all for now, Mama. Lest I will tell you again how I wish you were here.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I forgot to tell you last night, we saw your co-teacher at SM yesterday. Sorry Mama, I  forgot her name. You know how bad I am in remembering names. She was one of your friends who was always with you then during our struggles. I just wanted to tell you that she was very happy to see the kids all grown up. She talked to them one by one and was glad to know that Ralph has already graduated and is working now, and that Angel and Edgar are already in college, with Edgar graduating next year.

Of course she remembers Ralph as Rem and Edgar as EA, she was excited to see them. Somehow, I felt proud, Mama. It feels like I am doing good, although I am aware that I do have a lot of shortcomings with the kids. But at least, it made me realize that there are a lot of things I should be thankful for - that our kids stayed in school and that there people who genuinely care and pray for them even without us knowing it.

I know it's all because of the good seeds you planted, Mama. You were already an angel even while you were still here, that is why people loved you. We are thankful and proud for that, Mama. Even without us realizing it, we are reaping the fruits of the good seeds that you planted. Thank you very much, Mama.

I miss you even more now.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

The kids and I went to La Pieta today so Ralph can go back to Makati tomorrow to avoid the crowd returning to work after All Saints' Day. After that we went to SM to spend the rest of the afternoon there. We bought some school items and also ate, we had a short bonding moment, Mama. It was priceless. Too bad we did not have any picture as were busy joking around and teasing Angel, especially. 

We also talked about Angel's birthday and she said she just wants us to go out and dine together. I guess that is what we will be doing, I hope I would remember to take pictures then.

That will be all for now, Mama. Wish you were able to joined us afternoon. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Angel is already enrolled for the second semester, but she was not able to pay in full. Quite sad, considering that she is only paying for the miscellaneous. Unfortunately, the money I gave her was not enough. At least she is already enrolled and I have until Monday to pay the balance for the miscellaneous.

Edgar's enrollment is also this week, but as I've said before we won't be receiving our salary until late this week. He will be enrolled late, unfortunately. But he will be enrolled, Mama. It is his last semester and he will be graduating next year.

Ralph is doing fine, I think. He will be going home this Friday. I asked him to take a leave because it is Fiestang Apu here and also the death anniversary of Tatay. We will be having lunch at Sta. Teresita. He might not be able to go to La Pieta on November 1, Mama. We will just go there earlier. November 2 is not a holiday, so he has to leave for Manila this Sunday.

As for me, I'm okay, Mama. A little bit weary, but when was I not? It's always been this way, I get through every time. Nothing new, Mama.

Well, I guess that will be all for now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Good morning. It's 4:27 a.m., Sunday. I guess the kids stay up late up last night again. I slept early, Mama. I guess I will let them stay in bed today. They will be busy next week for their enrollment.

I really do not know what to say right now, Mama. I just want to reach to you, hold your hands and embrace you.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Dear Mama,

It's Friday, finally the work week is over and it's time to rest again on the weekend. Next week will be Edgar and Angel's enrollment for the second semester, problem is payday won't be until late next week and there won't be enough time to enroll by then. By the week after that, the second semester will start. Yes, Mama they can enroll by that time but class has already started and they might encounter some problem there. I hope everything will turn out well for all of us.

It's almost November and another 2 months it will Angel's birthday. I still do not have the resources or any idea on how to make this special for our baby. I can feel that she's been drifting away from me lately. You know, adolescence and me having too much on my plate. I just want to make her feel special to let her know that I still love her and she will always be my baby.

I do not know what to do, Mama. I'm lost.

Help me.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Good morning. It's 3 a.m. now, I woke up at around 2 a.m., actually and I cannot go back to sleep. I am not feeling well, Mama. I have cough and cold, and my lower back aches. Edgar is also not well. Angel will be having her final exam today.

I do not know what to say, Mama. I just wanted to talk to you. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I just had my breakfast, a few pieces of pandesal and coffee. I will be preparing for work in a while. I feel cold, Mama. My back aches and I am sneezing often, I guess it's the weather. I've been drinking lots of water, Mama. I cannot afford to be sick.

This will be Angel's last week for the first semester, and next week will be enrollment for both of the kids. Budget is still tight, Mama. I hope there will be a miracle, which unfortunately will not happen because I am not buying lotto tickets. If only Atching Ledy will pay her debts, I will not be having this concern now, and I can even plan for Angel's 18th birthday on January.

Anyway, I will be going now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

It's a rainy Sunday morning. There is a storm, yesterday it was already signal no. 2 here. I hope it will weaken tomorrow and there will be less rain. Angel still have their class this coming week, they are not yet done with their Finals, Mama. Edgar's class is already finished but he said he might go out this week too and work on their group thesis. Next week is already enrollment for both of them, Mama. It's getting quite tight on the budget again, but I know God will help us find a way.

The two are still sleeping, Mama. It's only 6 a.m. now. Angel slept late last night, or maybe she stayed up until after midnight because she is finishing a program which is a requirement for their finals. I hope Ralph is fine, he is in Makati now. He left a message in FB, the time is around a.m., he just said "de" I just replied now. I think he is still sleeping.

Tomorrow, we will be reporting at our new office, Mama. It is just near us, it's in Balibago. Actually, I could just walk to and from the office, that would be a great exercise. But with this typhoon, I think I might not be able to do that yet.

That will be all for now, Mama. I hope this storm will pass soon.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

We just arrived home, the kids and I. We went to eat at Chowking for dinner. No special occasion, Mama. I just wanted to go out and I know I won't have anyone to go out with me, I figured I should take out the kids instead. After all, it's been a while since we all went out.

Anyway, sorry for my whining in my last letter, Mama. I just had to vent out, although I admit it's not really helping me. The fact is, nothing will.

I guess I better end this letter now before I start whining and ranting again. 

Take care of yourself, Mama. I wish I can be with you soon. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Why am I still hoping that someone will like me? Nobody likes me. I mean NOBODY! They all make me feel unworthy.

It was only you who accepted me, Mama. I wish you never had to leave.

Daddy

I miss you, Mama.

Dear Mama,

I arrived home today at around 5 p.m. and found Angel sleeping. She was tired from their school's feeding program. She was out since 2 a.m. today because they went to the wet market in Pampang to buy the food that they will cook and bring to Sapangbato. Angel has been very busy these past weeks, Mama. She is the class president and at the same time the leader in their group. You know how she always takes charge, Mama. She knows that if she will not move, her group mates and classmates will not move too. What's worse is that their teacher, who was the one who required them to have this spoon feeding program was not helping Angel. I really wanted to go to school to talk to that teacher but Angel is restraining me, Mama.

Ralph is here, he is also sleeping as what he usually does when he comes home. Edgar is still in school. He'll be home by 9 p.m., it just 6 a.m. now.

I have a problem, Mama. I wish you could visit me in my dream so I can tell you... please, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I'm alone at home again now, although Edgar might be here within 30 minutes or so. Angel is not here, Mama. She will be staying overnight at her classmate's house again to rush on their projects as it's already Finals in school.

How can I tell the kids what I want to tell them, Mama? Will they understand? Or should I even tell them? I know, sooner or later they will come to know about it. I'm sorry that this is bothering me again, Mama. I just wanted to correct something and make up for my shortcomings. I hope this is the right thing, Mama. I hope you understand me.

A lot of things are happening right now, Mama. I really do not know if I can cope or if my actions and decisions are right. I may look okay, but the truth is, I've never been more disturbed and confused. Of course, I just have live through it all.

It's really is a difficult time to be alone. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

It's 2:13 a.m., I woke up with a leg cramp. When I felt the pain, I stood up immediately to ease the pain. As I was standing up, I felt my head throbbing with pain again. I was already fine when I went to sleep last night, Mama. I slept early so I could rest, but now my head aches again and even have leg cramps. What's happening to me, Mama?

It really sucks to be alone and sick. I wish you're here, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

When I arrived home this afternoon from work, my head was throbbing with pain. I thought I would not make it home. Angel and Edgar are not yet home, I immediately lie down and took a nap. I woke up at around 7 p.m. still with a headache, although it was not as worse as before I slept. I've been getting these headaches more often lately again, Mama. I'm not sure if it's the eyes. Pain relievers have become like daily vitamins to me, like I would not last a day without drinking them. I hope this would stop soon, Mama.

I wish you're here, Mama. I need you. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

It's 4 a.m. now, I was supposed to run today but it looks like I cannot do it. I feel worse, Mama. My cough has worsen and I feel cold. My lower back still aches. I wish you're here, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I am not feeling well right now. I've been taking medicines and drinking lots of water since yesterday, Mama. My lower back aches too. I hope I won't get sick. Wish you were here, I know I will feel better if I could just embrace you.

Angel came home safe from their field trip last night. Although I was not able to talk to her yet because I was already sleeping. 

I really do not have much to say right now, Mama. I just wish I can hold your hands. I'm really missing you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Good morning. It's 4:13 a.m., Angel is not home. She stayed at her classmate's home last night. They are having a field trip today and said they must be at the meeting place by 3:30 a.m. They must be on their way to Enchanted Kingdom now, Mama.

Ralph is here, I don't know what time he came because I was half asleep then, but I think it was already past midnight. 

I will be out for a run in a while, Mama. Today is a holiday and we do not have work.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Edgar is at school now. He said he is okay. I just arrived  home from work. I've been calling him on phone every now then to check on him while I'm at the office. He said he's fine. I hope he won't get sick anymore. 

Angel is still not here. She'll be out of school by 6:30 p.m. so she'll be here around 7 p.m. It's really often that I'm finding myself alone at home lately, Mama. Sometimes, even at weekends. I think I'm getting used to it. I know this is how it will be in the days to come.

Well, I've really nothing much to say, Mama. Please continue helping me in taking care of our kids. I miss you, Mama.

 I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Edgar is still sick. He is much better now that he was this morning, but he is still sick. He still has a slight fever, Mama. He wants to go to school tomorrow. I hope he will be okay tomorrow morning.

If only you were here, Mama.

I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I did not go to work today, Edgar has fever. I took his temperature and it registered 38.3 on the thermometer. I'm sorry, Mama. I was not able to take good care of our son. He was fine yesterday, but as I was about to wake him up this morning after I took a bath, I felt his forehead and he was hot. I immediately informed our office. I'm sorry, Mama. I could have done something so that he won't get sick.

Please help me make him well, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I will be sleeping in while, just finished ironing the kids' uniforms. Tomorrow's the start of another week.

I just wanted to say good night to you. I wish you will visit me in my dreams. Good night, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Dear Mama,

Angel and I was finally able to have the chance yesterday, we went to La Pieta and did brisk walking. I was not able to run because she said she would just walk and I cannot leave her. But it's okay, at least it's a start for her. Next time maybe she would run even for just short distances. She said she would also like to go to the gym with me sometime.

I also attended the meeting of the Knights of Columbus yesterday and was admitted as a First Degree member. I am still not sure if I will pursue my membership, but I am thinking that I do need to join some sort of community, somehow. Today would be their monthly meeting, I am not sure if I can catch up because I promised Angel we would go to the wet market today. I also do not have a plain white polo that is required to be worn during meetings, I am not sure if it's okay to wear any white polo with design, at least just for this time.

Edgar seems to be not feeling well, Mama. He seems to be coughing every now and then. He said it might be because of all those practices during the past few weeks for the choral competition. He asked me to buy him oranges, he said it soothes his throat whenever he eats some. I hope he will feel better soon.

I haven't heard from Ralph since he last went home. He might be busy, Mama. I'm not sure if he'll be here next weekend. Most probably, he will might go home next month, which is the La Naval fiesta. I'm still not sure, Mama.

Sorry for another lengthy letter, Mama. I miss having conversations like this with you. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Good morning. It's 4:28 a.m., just thought I'll write you a letter before I start my weekend. Today is Saturday, although it won't be a rest day for us, Mama. Edgar will have his review class the whole day today. Me, I'll be going to the gym this morning and attend the Knights of Columbus meeting after lunch. Angel will be cleaning her room, or she might go out with friends later. Ralph will not be going home this weekend, Mama.

Angel was not able to join me in my run yesterday, Mama. In fact, she went home later than her usual time because they were finishing a Powerpoint presentation for a school project. Too bad, I thought I would be having a nice bonding time with her at La Pieta. Well, maybe she'll join me tomorrow in my morning run.

That's it for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Angel requested for pizza today, because I asked what she wants me to buy for her on my way home. She said an umbrella, because her umbrella is broken... and then she added, pizza. A random request but I bought one anyway, it was in fact our dinner tonight.

Yesterday, I helped her open a savings account. I provided the initial deposit just so she could have an account, at least she would be conscious now and starts to save... I hope, Mama. Tomorrow, she said she will be joining me on my run after office. I'm quite excited because I've been egging her to join me for a long time. Although she said she will just walk tomorrow as I run around La Pieta. That's good enough for me, Mama. At least, that's a start for her.

I guess that will be all for now, Mama. We're still waiting for Edgar to come home. We've left a few slices of pizza for him. Wish you were here, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Just like that, Ralph's birthday is officially over. I asked Ate Tey to cook spaghetti in Sta. Teresita yesterday so we can sort of celebrate his birthday even though he is in Makati. It was just Angel and I who went to Sta. Teresita yesterday because Edgar was still in school at the time. I called Ralph yesterday evening to ask how his birthday was going, and he said they were eating out at the time I called. 

You know what, Mama? I received a text message from a batchmate in high school yesterday inviting me to join the Knights of Columbus. I remember when I was still young and an altar boy, I wanted to be a member of K of C. However, as I grew up, I realized that organizations like this do have expenses and I might not be able to support the activities. I know the members there are big time personalities. But I'm still contemplating. I might attend the meeting this Saturday.

Well, that's it for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I wish you would visit me in my dream. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Tomorrow's the start of another week, and of course, tomorrow is Ralph's birthday. I'm thankful we were able to celebrate last night. I was planning to give him a surprise visit in Makati on his birthday, unfortunately, our salary was not given last Friday. Which I cannot complain on because payday really won't be until Tuesday. I was just hoping they would give it early like they sometimes do. Anyway, we were able to have a dinner yesterday, Ralph was happy, his brother and sister were happy, and so I am happy too. I'm sure he will have a happy birthday tomorrow with his friends and officemates.

Well, Ralph's birthday is done. Next would be your birthday, our wedding anniversary, Christmas party, New Year's Eve, Angel's birthday, Edgar's birthday, and Edgar's college graduation. How I wish we could celebrate all those with you, Mama.

I really miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

The kids and I went out this afternoon for the advance birthday celebration of Ralph. He came home at lunchtime together with his girlfriend. After eating, we prepared and went to Marquee Mall. We would be having dinner at a Japanese buffet restaurant but we were already at the mall at around 3 p.m. so we can bond and roam around while waiting for the time.

When it was almost 5 p.m. we already went to Yakimix, and at exactly 5 p.m. we were ushered in. We enjoyed the dinner, Mama. Especially Angel who likes the dessert table. We had eaten so much, now I feel like I need to run double tomorrow just to shake off what I had.

It was a nice bonding moment with the kids, Mama. Unfortunately, Ralph's birthday is Monday so he would be in Makati by then. They would be leaving tomorrow after lunch.

Well, that will be all for now, Mama. I wish you were with us. It would have been a happier celebration. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Angel will be going to Pasay tomorrow to attend a seminar together with her classmates. I am worried, Mama. This will be the first time that our baby will be travelling on her own with strangers. She never went on any field trip during her elementary and high school days. Now, it's inevitable. I know it won't be the last. I hope she'll be safe on her trip. Guide and protect her, Mama.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

It's almost 8 p.m. but Angel is not yet home. Her class is only up to 4:30 p.m. but she said they will be doing a project and she'll be home by 7, but until now she's not yet here. I am worried, Mama. I hope our baby is okay.

Please guide and protect her, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I am about to rest, but I thought I'll write you a letter first. I really do not have anything new to say right now, Mama. We're just waiting for Saturday so we can celebrate Ralph's birthday. We're all looking forward to that, Mama.

My body feels sore right now, Mama. I went to the gym this evening. It's my second week and I feel worse now than last week. I hope I'm doing the right thing so I could keep myself healthy before it's too late.

I really do not know what to say right now, Mama. Let's see... Angel's birthday, I'm still trying to convince myself that it's okay if she won't be having a birthday party for her debut. After that, it will Edgar's graduation on March (or April). 

Sometimes I still wish that you are still with us today especially during these occasions. We all could have been happier if we are still together.

I'm sorry, Mama, I'm at it again. I guess I better stop now. Take care, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Just finished ironing Angel and Edgar's school uniform. Tomorrow is Monday again, it's back to school for them and back to work for me. Everything's good, Mama.

Next Monday, Ralph will be turning 23 although we will be celebrating it on Saturday because he is on Makati on weekdays. As usual, we will be going out, just the 4 of us. That is how we always celebrate, Mama.

You know, Mama, I've been talking to Angel and asking her what she wants for her 18th birthday... aside from the birthday party because we cannot afford it. She said it's okay for her if she won't be having any party. I felt guilty, Mama. I know she meant it when she said it's okay, but I also know she also wants the party. I'm sorry, Mama. I won't be able to make our baby happy.

I will be resting in a while, Mama. I need to wake up early tomorrow. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I know I told you already about this, but I never stopped thinking about our Angel's 18th birthday this January. I do not know what to do to make it special and a memorable one for her. Last Monday, I asked my high school friends during an event we attended, and their responses overwhelmed me, Mama. All the things to consider - list of guests, place to hold the event, food, dresses, program during the event, and a lot of other things which honestly made me feel sorry that I asked.

Honestly, I felt stupid, Mama. How can I even ask or even plan an event for my daughter's birthday when I know I do not have the resources? I must be out of my mind! Poor Angel, she has me for a father.

I wish I can do something for her, Mama. She is a special lady, she deserves something special. Help me, Mama.

Times like this, I really wish you were here. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I started going to the gym last Monday, today is my second day. My body is all aching, Mama. I hope I will feel better next week and as my workout progresses. I am not doing this for anyone, Mama. I'm doing this for myself, aside from it would keep me busy, it will make me healthier... I guess.

Anyway, that's all I got to say right now, Mama. Edgar and Angel are not yet home, by the way.  It's already 9:37 p.m. Edgar has a practice with the school choir, while Angel is in her classmate's house for their group project. I hope they'll be safe on their way home, it's already late.

I will be sleeping in a while, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Yesterday, Angel and I watched a movie. We watched Inside Out because she said wanted to see it on the big screen. I was not really keen on watching the movie, Mama, but I do not want to disappoint Angel. She's already 17, it won't be long and she won't be asking me anymore for trips to the movies. I hope I still have enough time to catch up on our baby, Mama. She will be 18 in five months.

Ralph is doing fine in Makati, Mama. I'd like to think he is. I do not hear any complaints from him, and he seldom sends me message unless I ask him how he is doing. Well, he will be 23 in two-week's time. He has really become independent, Mama. I only hope he is saving for his future.

Edgar, as usual, is busy with a lot of school activities, both academics and non-academics. He is busy with their thesis-proposal, and next semester, he will be busy with the thesis itself. He is also busy with the choir now, and maybe after that with their school newsletter where he is a contributor again. 

The kids are all grown up, Mama. I am finding myself alone at home lately. I better get used to it, I know that is how it will be soon. Oh well, at least they've grown up to be good adults.

I guess, that will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I really do not have anything to say right now. I just want to share this song to you, Mama...

Line to Heaven

I miss you, Mama. I wish I can talk to you again.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Just finished ironing the school uniforms of Edgar and Angel, tomorrow's the start of another school week. Ralph is already in Makati now, Mama. He'll be back for his birthday 3 weeks from now. So far things are going fine, Mama.

I just saw a video of pictures slide of the UAPAC choir, Mama. Somebody shared it on Facebook and I watched it with Angel. I told her you are in those pictures. She saw the young you, Mama. I told her you were very active in the choir then, in fact, you were one of the soloists. I was smiling as I was watching the video, Mama. I saw you... so young and so beautiful. I was really a lucky man that you choose me to love. Thank you for giving me a chance, Mama.

I miss you now, more than ever, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Angel and I just arrived home, we went out this afternoon because she asked me to help get her hair trimmed. She just choose a random parlor because she does not know any place yet as she seldom go to the parlor. This is just the second time, I guess. The first time, her brother Edgar was with her. It's my first to go with her, and I know it won't be the last.

Used to be that she would go to Sta. Teresita and they would help her to a neighborhood hair cutter, but she wants to go and find her own hairdresser now. Maybe soon she will be finding a regular parlor or person to go to. As I was sitting there waiting for her, I remember when I was helping you then go to the parlor, Mama. Now, I am helping Angel. I was smiling, and I was thinking... it would have been nice if I am with you two together.

I guess I will always be thinking of what could have been, Mama. It will not go away. Whether it is an occasion of sadness or happiness, or even in simple daily moments like Angel's trip to the parlor... I will always wish that you are still here with us. It could have been better... everything would have been better.

I miss you, Mama... I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I don't know what happened, this week I think I have a loose screw or two. I felt down, weak, upset, irritated, anxious, depressed, mad, and whatever negative feelings you can think of. Poor Angel, she was always the one to catch it all. I feel so sorry for her, Mama. I feel so ashamed of myself. I wish I can control my emotions better. I'm sorry, Mama. I did not mean to shout at her. I guess this is what getting old really feels like... old and alone... old and alone, and tired.

Mama, I want to continue. I don't want to give up the fight. I want to hang on for the kids. I promised you that, Mama. Please pray for me. Don't let me snap, Mama. Hold my hands, please. Help me make it, Mama.

I need you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Right now, I am alone at home again on a Saturday afternoon. Edgar went to school for the culmination of their college sports fest, while Angel went out to meet her friends from high school. Yes Mama, Angel is now going out. I would like to stop her but I know I shouldn't, and I know there will be more instances like this in the days to come. This means I will be finding myself alone at home more often.

Ralph is in Makati and seldom has the time to go home. I told him to stay there this weekend because he has fever yesterday and advised him to rest instead. Edgar, who is graduating next semester, might be leaving home soon too. Then it will be just me and Angel here, although at the rate she's going, I will be seeing less of her soon.

I understand, Mama. Wings are made for flying, I will not stop them from exploring the world on their own. I just wish I've done enough for them to prepare them for what's waiting out there. So, I guess it will be just me, Mama. I better get used to it. This is the reality of life, I should embrace it.

Well, I guess that will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. Until my next letter. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

I wish I could embrace you right now, Mama...

Dear Mama,

Sorry, I haven't written immediately after Angel's Acquaintance Party. I picked her up at around 8 p.m., Mama. She went out early because she wanted to go with me as I met some acquaintance that night. She said their party was good, she enjoyed it.

I just remembered that night too, Mama. Angel will be 18 in a few months and I still do not know what to do. I want to make that day special and memorable for her, Mama. However, I am clueless on how to go about it. There are so many concerns, money being the first one. You know how big a family we have, both yours and my side, and you know how sensitive they can be if they are not invited. And of course, Angel has more friends now.

Mama, what should I do? How I wish I have you here right now.

Sorry, Mama. I will never get used to these things. I'm really such a loser. 

I wish I can hold your hand right now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I just took Angel to her acquaintance party. She is so little, Mama and yet she's already a lady. Our baby is really all grown up now, Mama. It's inevitable. I miss the baby that she was, Mama.

I hope she will enjoy the party. I will pick her up tonight at 10:00 p.m., Mama.

I'm excited for her stories. Wish you were here, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Angel was already well this morning and she was able to go to school. I'm glad she recovered quickly, thank you for making her well, Mama. Now she can attend their acquaintance party tomorrow. This afternoon, we met at Nepo Mall so I could buy her shoes she'll wear tomorrow. Unfortunately, she cannot find the shoes that she wants. We went to Robinsons in Balibago, and eventually to SM Clark to look for her shoes. I was even willing to buy her expensive shoes even if it would tighten our budget. The problem is, she cannot find one in her size. 

Angel was so sad and frustrated, Mama. I feel sorry for her. If only she has a mother that could assist her in things like this, maybe she was able to find the shoes that she needs for tomorrow's party. We searched for almost 3 hours, but we were not able to find anything. I'm sorry, Mama. I was not much of help to our baby.

If only she still has her mother...

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Angel was not able to go to school today, she has fever this morning. I went to work only in the morning and filed a half-day leave. Good thing Edgar took care of her while I was away, Mama. She is sleeping now, although she still has fever while we were having our lunch. She said she feels better, but she does not look like it, Mama. 

If only you were.

Help me make her well, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I got Angel's dress tonight from Kong Beni, the one she'll wear at their acquaintance party this Friday. We had it made by Kong Beni, Angel bought the cloths and gave him the design, You know what, Mama? Kong Beni did not make me pay for the dress. It's good to have tailor in-laws, I'm glad your brother love Angel, he made her dress for free. I am thankful, Mama.

However, Angel is not feeling well, right now. That is why she did not come with me when I picked up the dress. She already took medicine, Mama and she's resting right now. I hope she feels better tomorrow morning. she does not want to be absent from school.

Well, I guess that's about it for now, Mama. The rest of us are fine, nothing newsworthy, except for the fact that I still miss you. Take care of yourself, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

It's 12:26 a.m., I woke up and I don't think I will go to sleep again, because I need to wake Angel up by 3:00 a.m. for their fun run activity. So I will just wait for the time, Mama. I might not be able to wake up at 3 a.m. if I sleep again. 

Sorry I haven't written for quite a while, Mama. I have been logging in but did not quite know what to say, so I end up logging out without writing anything. 

Mama, why are people like that? They'll only talk to you when they need you... when they know they can get something from you. Once they got what they need, or you disappoint them once, they will treat you like you do not even exist. Why is it hard to find real friends these days?

But what am I talking?! I should be used to it, I never had a friend. I am used to being alone and all by myself. Right, Mama? That should not bother me. People will always have their agenda. I guess my part in theirs is already finished.

Anyway, I'm just venting out, Mama. I'm sorry. 

The kids are fine, Mama. Edgar and Angel are busy with school matters while Ralph is busy with his work. Everything's okay here, Mama. I hope you're doing well too.

Take care of yourself, Mama. Bye for now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Edgar was the emcee at their college's grand assembly this morning. I hope he did well, it was his first time. I wonder how he got "volunteered" for the part. I knew he can do it, Mama. I just hope he was not carried away with his punch lines. Looking forward to hear his story when he comes home tonight.

Angel is still out, Mama. It's already 7:45 p.m., she went out at around 6:30 p.m. to accomplish their project in NSTP, they are required to feed one street children. I am worried, Mama. I know it is a noble project, but I hope the teacher understands the risks that he is exposing the students with that, letting them go alone without being supervised.

Ralph, as usual, is still busy with his life in Makati. I do not know when he will go back home again. He did not even reply to my text message yesterday morning, until now. Maybe he is really busy. About me, I'm here alone at the house right now. Nothing's new, Mama. Still, nobody likes me. Oh well, I'm doing good. 

I guess that will be all for now, Mama. Bye for now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama

Angel and I went out to buy cloths that will be used for her dress on her coming acquaintance party. Kong Benie will be the one who will do the dress. I hope it will be beautiful once it's done. I'm excited for Angel because she did not attend her high school JS Prom, this will be her first formal party. I hope she'll enjoy it.

That's all I have to say for now, Mama. I wish I could dream of you tonight. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I was able to take the kids out today. It's very rare that Ralph is here with us and can join us when we go out. I am glad that we were able to spend some time and bond together. It's a good thing that the rain has stopped and allowed us to go out. First we looked for Angel's dress for their acquaintance party next month. Of course, it took us a while and Angel was not even able to find a dress that she likes. We were able to buy a top but she still needs a skirt and a jacket or blazer. We might go out again next week to look for her dress.

Then we went to eat, Mama.We ordered pizza and they also ordered their own food aside from the pizza, and we were able to finish them all. It was a great time for us, Mama. We enjoyed the bonding time, I enjoyed the moment. Our kids are all grown up now. Soon, I know, we will have less time together as they go on and live their own lives.

I wish you were with us, it could have been a happier moment. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I woke up at around 1:30 a.m. and I was not able to sleep anymore, it's already 2:41 now. Actually, I slept early last night, around 8 p.m., because I was not feeling well. But I honestly do not feel any better now. I feel so low, Mama. I feel so alone.

Why do I feel that nobody likes me, Mama? Am I really a loser? I don't know what to do, it feels like I'm not doing anything right and I have nowhere to go. I know I should not feel this way, Mama. I'm trying to fight it, but sometimes I can't. I wish there is a way to end this.

Anyway, Edgar and Angel are having their prelims, Mama. Today is a holiday, so they will continue their exams on Monday. They said their tests were okay. I hope they really are. Less than a month now and it will be Angel's acquaintance party. She still do not have a dress. I might ask her to go out later and look for some dress, or at least find a style that she wants. 

Well, I guess that will be all for now, Mama. I just wish I can feel your embrace right now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Angel is elected president of their class. It's the first time for her to be an officer in the class, and a president at that. I guess she must be really enjoying her college life now and she is slowly coming out of her shell. I do hope she'll be okay now.

I'm a little bit sleepy right now, Mama. Actually, I do not feel well. It's almost ten, I will have to rest in a while.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Hi. I'm about to sleep, just thought of writing you a letter before I go to bed, Mama. Edgar is not here, he will be sleeping at his classmate's house. They are working on their thesis. He'll be going home tomorrow morning. Angel's in her room, I also told her to rest because she needs to wake up early tomorrow.

I hope I won't get sick, Mama. I'm not feeling well. It was not a good day for me today. I feel tired, drained, sad, mad, stressed, everything! I hope tomorrow will be a better one.

Will stop writing here, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

Angel is going to have a college acquaintance party in August. She would be needing a dress for the occasion, and of course, she needs to be made up and all other things necessary for that event. I was trying my best to help her, but she wouldn't cooperate. It's like she doesn't need my help. Maybe it's because I am a man and I really cannot do anything to help her on this one... which could probably be true.

I wish I could tell you more right now, Mama. I wish I could tell you everything that I feel and everything that is going on in my mind right now. 

I think I need to stop now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Dear Mama,

I'm about to rest in a while. Tomorrow's the start of another week, although I really do not have anything to look forward to. Ralph left after lunch today, he was able to ride a bus immediately as soon as he got to Dau Terminal. Although after that, he never sent a message. I hope he is fine.

By the way, she responded. She was not hostile, she was nice. I sent her another message and she replied again. I hope she has already forgiven me, Mama. I just want to make amends for my all sins. I just want peace in my heart. I know I won't be able to make up for all my shortcomings, but I will try my best, Mama.

I wish I could see you and talk to you in my dreams, Mama. I really need to.

Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy