Happy new year, Mama!

 Dear Mama,

    Happy new year!

    It's the first day of 2022, Mama. The kids and I did not go out today, though. I was a bit lazy to go out or do anything. Besides, Angel only slept at around 10 a.m. today, so it's not really possible for us to go out. Although, we might go out tomorrow. 

    We just had barbecue for our Media Noche last night, Mama. All meats, and a dessert given to us from Sta. Teresita. Then, I just observed all the celebrations outside. Edgar was out, too because he was trying to console Chuchi. You know how dogs are affected by all the fireworks. Good thing there wasn't much last as in previous years.

    Ralph, who was originally scheduled to report to the office on the 3rd of January will be staying a bit longer here. They will still be on a work-from-home set up until further notice. Which was a good thing because Metro Manila is once again placed on a stricter quarantine control because of a recent event. 

    Mama, is there a possibility for us to move to another house soon? The environment here is really stressing me out, and I don't know what to do. Either I quarrel with neighbors every day or just suffer silently which is not helpful to my mental health. Moving out, however, is not that simple. I may find a place but I just cannot leave because there are a lot of things I need to fix in the house, and I also have to consider our dogs. We need to take them with us when we go.

    I wish you were here, Mama. Things would have been more bearable if I have you by my side. I'm sorry, I'm starting it again. I guess I have to stop for now. Take care of yourself, Mama.

    I miss you.

    I love you, Mama.

                                                                                            Daddy

The year is almost over

 Dear Mama,

    It's only a few days left before 2021 ends. Today is December 28, and the year is almost over. It's seems I haven't accomplished anything in this year, Mama. I'm feeling more a failure every year. It's like I do not have any direction, and just letting things flow. The problem with this is that the children are affected, Mama. I'm sorry.

    I don't even know what to look forward to, Mama. It seems I am just waiting for my time to be with you once again. I don't know what to do. If only you were still here, maybe I might some directions.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                    Daddy

Merry Christmas, Mama!

 Dear Mama,

    It's 2 minutes before midnight, and by the time I finish this it will be past midnight already. Merry Christmas, Mama! It will be our 13th Christmas celebration without you by our side. I will never get used to that, Mama.

    We did not hold the usual family Christmas party, Mama. I'm sorry, I had to break the tradition you started for the second year in a row. You know how it is right now here - both outside our house and inside the house. I do miss holding the family Christmas party, Mama. If only things were the way they used to be.

    We had our early 'Noche Buena.' A bit too early, actually, Mama. We ate at 9:00 p.m.. All our food were prepared by Edgar. He is the one who is cooking now. He really took charge of the food preparation.  By 10:00 p.m., we were already exchanging gifts. And that's how we celebrated our Christmas eve, Mama. No parties, and games. I'm sorry.

    Tomorrow, I'm not sure what we'll be doing. They might want to go out, while I feel like staying home.

    As I mentioned earlier, it's already past midnight. Merry Christmas again, Mama. I wish you were still here with us. I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                Daddy

Something happened last night

 Dear Mama,

    It's December 23, 2021, Thursday, 8:49 p.m. Edgar is not yet home, they are having their Christmas party at the office right now. I'm not sure what time he will be home tonight. Angel won't be out from work until 10 p.m. They had their Christmas lunch earlier before their shift. It's just me and Ralph at home right now, and of course, the dogs.

    Something happened to me last night, Mama. I don't know why, I had anxiety attack. I was restless and breathing heavily. I was crying. I was calling your name, Mama. My extremities were numb. I was tossing around the bed. I did not know what to do. I did not understand what was happening. I was feeling pain, but I can't tell where. That lasted for about 30 minutes, Mama. The kids did not know. I was alone in the room.

    I do not know what triggered it, Mama. Maybe because I was thinking of how much a failure I was as a father. I'm sorry, Mama. I let you down. If only I was a better father. If only I was a better person. I'm sorry, Mama.

    Please forgive me.

                                                                                                    Daddy

Four days before Christmas

 Dear Mama,

    It's December 21, 4 more days before Christmas. I still do not know what we'll be doing for our Christmas party, or if we will be having a Christmas party. I have already completed my gifts for the 3 kids, and have also wrapped them. It's the party itself that isn't planned yet. Most probably, we will be having spaghetti again. 

        Angel is not yet home right now. She'll be out from work at 10 p.m., it's already 9:50 now. She will be here probably after 30 minutes. 

    We are on our Christmas break from work, Mama. I thought I could do some cleaning and housekeeping during the break, instead, I always lie down in bed and worry. Probably, the only productive thing I'm doing right now is the daily laundry. After that, I am almost not doing anything.

        I always feel anxious, Mama. Sometimes, I always feel like there will be noises anytime we are at home. Am I the problem, Mama? This is bothering me. I don't know how to stop this anxiety.

        Anyway, I will stop now before I start whining again. I hope we will be having a peaceful Christmas.

        If only you are still with us. I miss you, Mama.

        I love you.

                                                                                                    Daddy

An early Christmas gift

 Dear Mama,

    I am writing this letter now on my new laptop. The kids gave me an early Christmas gift, they even asked to take a video of my unboxing because none of them was home when I opened it yesterday. Ralph was with his high school friends for an overnight reunion, Edgar and Angel were still at work.

    This past days, I have been using Ralph's old laptop, both for my leisure and Toastmasters activities. There were times it would suddenly slow down or hang up. I guess it's because it was really old. I was planning to buy a new laptop, Mama. But as you know, there were a lot of priorities before I can buy something for myself. Probably the reason why they bought me this laptop, Mama.

    Of course, I am happy and I really appreciate this gift. I just wish they did not. Now, I feel guilty, because I know they do have their own expenses and wanted to buy something for themselves, too. I just hope I will be able to write more with this laptop so that their money and effort will be worth it.

    Anyway, that will be all for now, Mama. I just wanted to tell about my gift. Of course, Angel has already started working. So far, she's still good because they are still in training. I hope she will stay longer, or she will find a better job soon.

    Until my next letter, Mama. I miss you.

    I love you.

                                                                                                Daddy

Not sure what to say here

 Dear Mama,

    Yesterday, the kids and I went out to celebrate our 30th anniversary. Actually, we left a bit late, Angel and I. Edgar left first for the gym at around 2 p.m., while Ralph left before 3 p.m. So, it was only Angel and I at home.

    I actually had no plan, Mama. But around 4 p.m., Angel said her brothers messaged her for us to meet at SM City Clark. That is why we were not able to leave early. We left home at about 5 p.m. Of course, we ate, afterwards we bought some clothes for Angel.

    Angel will be starting her work today at a call center. She will be having her contract and orientation this morning. They will be having a training first, so they are still on daytime schedule. I know soon they'll be on graveyard shift.

    I'm at the office now, and my co-workers are already here. So, I have to finish my letter.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy

Happy anniversary, Mama!

 Dear Mama,

    Today is December 8. It would have been our 30th wedding anniversary, Mama. We could have been happy because we are complete. You could have been proud of our kids.

    How I really wish you are still here with us, Mama. Especially on occasions like this.

    I miss you, Mama.

    Happy anniversary!

    I love you, Mama.

                                                                                            Daddy

Another family day out

 Dear Mama,

    It's Sunday and it's another family day. At least that's what I'm trying it to be. The kids and I went out today, Mama. I actually left the house first and told them to meet me at SM Clark. I just wanted to be alone for a brief period. I was able to pay and update Angel's PhilHealth contribution. I guess that was a good excuse for me to leave earlier.

    Angel and Ralph arrived at around 4 p.m., and after a few minutes Edgar arrived, too. We immediately went to have an early dinner, Mama. I really had no intention of buying anything because there were too many people at the department store, and the lines on all cashiers were long. After dinner, we had coffee at Starbucks as per Angel's request. It was a nice time spent with the kids, Mama.

    Afterwards, we went home. As we were on our way home, my anxiety started building up again. If only there is a way for me to leave this place, Mama. If only there is a better place for us to go which I can afford. The neighborhood is giving me a lot of anxiety. I don't know if I am the problem. What I do know is that this is just one of my failures. I'm sorry, Mama.

    I wish you were with us, Mama. Every time we go out, I am always imagining us to be complete. It could have been a happier family time.

    Oops! I guess, I better stop now before I start whining again.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                    Daddy

Christmas and what's new

Dear Mama,

    It's already December 3, a few more weeks and it's Christmas already. Somehow, I don't feel like "Christmasing" this year. It won't be the same this year, Mama. I'm sorry, for all my failures and shortcomings. I know I can't undo it anymore. I'm really sorry, Mama.

     I went to my doctor this afternoon for my quarterly consultation. I had my lab test yesterday, and I brought the results today to the doctor. I thought it was okay, and were all within the normal range. But the doctor said my cholesterol and sugar levels have increased from the previous quarter. As such, he has increased my dosage for my cholesterol maintenance. I hope that will be the last time, Mama. I don't want to be dependent on medicines.

    Angel got a call this afternoon from a job she applied about 2 weeks ago. She said she got hired and she has agreed to rate they gave her. I hope she will have a good experience with it, Mama. 

    That will be all for now, Mama. I miss you.

    I love you, Mama.

                                                                                Daddy

Happy birthday, Mama!

 Dear Mama,

    Happy birthday!

    Sorry, I know it's already a belated greeting. I was not able to write you a letter yesterday. I was already tired when we came home last night. The kids and I went out yesterday to celebrate your birthday. I proceeded to SM Clark after work to meet Ralph and Angel there. We waited for Edgar there who also proceed to SM after work.

    When we were complete, we went to Balibago where we ate, Mama. We went home after we had our fill. 

    Because we were not able to buy cake yesterday, we bought one today so we can sing happy birthday for you, Mama. I really wish you are still with us now. Celebrations would have been happier if we are complete.

    I'm sorry, I'm at it again. I just miss you.

    Happy birthday, Mama!

    I love you.

                                                                                                Daddy

Advance happy birthday, Mama!

Dear Mama,

It will be your birthday tomorrow. Fortunately, Ralph was able to secure a vacation leave, so we can go out tomorrow to celebrate your birthday.

I wish we can celebrate it with you.

I miss you, Mama.

Advance happy birthday!

I love you.

Daddy 

Can I hug you now?

 I wish I can hug you now, Mama

I want to rest

 Dear Mama,

    I'm tired. I want to rest already... but I can't. The children are not yet ready.

    I know it's my fault. I did not teach and prepare them well. I did not get them ready.

    I'm sorry, Mama. I failed you. I failed our children.

                                                                                    Daddy

Hanging on

Dear Mama,

    It's been 4 days since Edgar's operation. He is still feeling the pain, although he is trying his best to hide it. I hope he will get better in the following days, Mama. He hasn't really been eating much. He is limited to soft and cold diet. He said he will still not work this week. I hope this won't affect his performance appraisal.

    Ralph's gout seem to be getting worse these past few days, Mama. I am really puzzled, and concerned about his condition. I had gout too around 2010, but after taking the medicine, it was gone after a few days, and never came back. In Ralph's case, it seems to be permanent, Mama. I am worried. He already had it checked up by the doctor, but he never came back for the second consultation after they gave him medicine. Help me pray for his freedom from this pain, Mama.

    Angel is asking me to help her travel to Manila to attend an event next weekend. It was supposed to be today, but she changed her mind. I thought we will no longer go, but she asked me again today if we can go next week.

    I am not really feeling well lately, Mama. I am always full of worries and anxieties, and I do not even know why. I'm trying to ignore, but it's nagging me. I'm still hanging on, Mama... but I am already tired.

    I'm sorry, Mama. I guess I should just stop now.

    I miss you, Mama. 

    I love you.

                                                                                        Daddy

Edgar's operation

 Dear Mama,

    Edgar is back home now after his tonsillectomy. He was admitted last Wednesday, had his operation yesterday, and was discharged this afternoon. It looks he feels sore, Mama. Cannot really move that much. I guess it wasn't much a minor operation as I thought it was. I hope he recovers soon, Mama.

    I still feel down. I wish there's something I can do. I wish we can go away from here, Mama. This place is draining me. It's depleting all my resolve to be positive. 

    I really do not have much to say, Mama. Nothing positive, at least. I guess I better end my letter right now before I burdened you with my whining.

    I wish you're beside me right now, Mama. I miss you.

    I love you, Mama.

                                                                                                Daddy

Update on Edgar

 Dear Mama,

    Edgar will be having his operation tomorrow, and he will be admitted today. It's just a minor operation, Mama. He will be having his tonsils removed. It was his decision, after consulting with the doctor for a couple of weeks. He said he is really bothered with his tonsils, and is having problem swallowing food. He wants it done ASAP, while he has a heath card to cover for it.

    Speaking of health card, I will be getting a health card for Angel, too, Mama. As you know, she did not get the job, and so she has no health protection in case something happens. So, I will getting one for her. I have already asked and look for the most affordable but good health insurance provider. I'm just waiting for her to fill up the form.

    Ralph is still on a work-from-home set up. So, he is still staying with us right now. Although, there were surveys in previous week about going back to reporting to the office for work. Eventually, they will be going back to work soon, and he will be leaving again, Mama. He is actually looking for a job here in Angeles City. I hope he finds one.

    As for me, nothing changes, Mama. I'm trying to be positive, but every now and then anxiety keeps on eating me. It's almost getting back to normal here. By normal, I mean it's starting to get loud and noisy again. I really wish there will be more peace and quiet. If only I can live in a secluded farm, where there is peace.

    I guess that will be all for now, Mama. I will update you on Edgar's operation.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy

Update on G, and us, of course

 Dear Mama,

    Remember G? The puppy I mentioned in my last letter? She was to be picked up by her new family today, but I received a message they won't be able to get her yet. I'm not really sure if I want to give her away. The longer she stays with us, the more attached we get. That's why I'm trying my best to ignore her most of the time. But she's just too playful. If we don't play with her, she'll bother Fluffy who wasn't used to having other dogs here. I hope I will be able to take care of her, Mama.

    Tomorrow will be November 1st, but we won't able to go to the cemetery, Mama. All cemeteries are ordered closed, I believe at least 2 days before and after November 1st to avoid gathering of people. The scare of the corona virus is not over yet, Mama. So, safety must be a priority. 

    I can't remember if I already told you, Angel won't be pursuing the job I mentioned in a previous letter. I don't mind, Mama. I can support her. But I am worried because I won't be able to be around most of the time. And I am not just telling the kids, but I am feeling a lot of pains in my body lately. I think I am getting paranoid. I hope she will get a decent job before I retire and be with you, Mama.

    That will be all for now now, Mama. I know I will be with you soon.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                Daddy

A new dog, but...

 Dear Mama,

    We have a new puppy. I found it last Thursday while sweeping outside in front of our house. I saw it wandering by its lonesome. I was afraid passing vehicles might hit the puppy and kill it. So, I took it inside. I asked at nearby houses, but nobody owned the puppy, Mama.

    I was hoping we could keep her, Mama. I named her G. At first, the kids like her. After all, she's a cute puppy. Although, lately it seems they don't think it was a good idea to keep her, Mama. First, Fluffy is growling at her every time G tries to approach her. The poor puppy doesn't understand that Fluffy is getting mad.

    I guess I am not really a good dog parent, Mama. I might as well look for a better home for her. I thought I could keep her.

    Well, that will be all for now, Mama.

    I miss you.

    I love you.

                                                                                    Daddy

Weekend

 Dear Mama,

    It's Saturday, 8:30 a.m., and I just finished the laundry. Good thing the sun is shining now. I hope it will continue to shine until afternoon. It's been raining almost the whole week, Mama.

    Ralph and Angel are still asleep, Edgar is preparing to leave. He will be go to the doctor and dentist for consultation, Mama. Nothing serious, he just feel he wants to avail of the benefits he has with their HMO.

    I am trying to decide what to do now. I knew I have my weekend planned already before, like cleaning the house, organize a little, tidy up a bit. But now, I do not know where or how to start. So, here I am just staring at nothing. Funny, right? That's why I never get anything accomplished, Mama.

    Anyway, I'll just pick up some bits, do a little sweeping, and maybe that will get me started... I hope.

    That will be all for now, Mama. I really wish I can be with you right now.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy

Angel got the job

Dear Mama,

    I am happy to tell you Angel was hired by the company I told you about in my previous letter. She is now currently completing her pre-employment requirements, and once they are complete, she will be starting soon. She still has no definite job nor position, Mama. They will be training her in marketing as well as in design. As such, she will of course be starting with the basic salary. I told her what's important is that she will be learning from all the trainings she'll get there.

    She did show a bit of hesitation yesterday, Mama. She was asking me if she needs to push through with the job. It's been a while since she's been out, Mama. Of course, the lockdown did not help with that. This will be the first she'll be going out again, after she resigned from her first job early last year. I know she will be adjusting a lot. She won't have the same free time she used to have.

    I really wanted her to work, Mama. I won't be around for long. She needs to prepare for her future. 

    That will be all for now, Mama. Please guide and look after our baby.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                        Daddy

Coffee time with Angel

 Dear Mama,

    Angel and I had some coffee time together this afternoon. We went out to pay our water bill and to buy clothes she can wear for her test and interview tomorrow in Clark. Then we had our coffee time after the errands.

    It was a very special moment for me, Mama. I saw the Angel I have been missing all these years. My little darling. The Angel that was always smiling and the Angel who never stopped talking and sharing stories. I was very happy, Mama. I wish I can have more of those moments with her.

    She will be going to Clark tomorrow for her interview. I hope she will get hired, Mama. Please guide her on way tomorrow, Mama.

    That will be all for now, Mama. I'll update you on her job application next time.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy

A possible job for Angel

 Dear Mama,

    I was looking for HMO service provider for Angel. She doesn't have any job right now, which means she has no hospitalization benefits. I sent a message to a fellow Toastmaster because she just got a hospitalization plan for the employees in their company. I mentioned Angel is not working which is the reason why I'm looking a HMO for her. When my fellow Toastmaster heard Angel is not working, she asked for her details - major, preferred job, skills, and all, and she said she wanted to help Angel and see if they can hire her in their company.

    Good thing Angel was receptive, Mama. When I told her about the conversation with my fellow Toastmaster, she agreed to give it a try. She will be having her interview on Tuesday, Mama. I hope she gets hired, Mama. I want her to work so she will grow, and develop herself. 

    I am getting old, Mama. While I am more than willing to support her as long as I can, I am worried where she'll end up when I'm gone if she doesn't have a job. 

    That's all the news I have for now, Mama. Please guide our baby.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                    Daddy

Tired

 Dear Mama

    Just finished with the meeting of Toastmasters. Not with Cabalen, though, but with my first club, the City of Angeles TMC. Cabalen's meeting will be next week. I just feel tired, Mama. Have been thinking a lot this week, and yet I am not really accomplishing anything. What's new?

    I will be sleeping in a while, Mama. Just trying to tidy up some items in the room. Not sure what will be going on next week. It/s the La Naval Fiesta on Sunday, Mama. Although I am not sure if we are going to Sta. Teresita for lunch. Haven't really heard from them.

    I thought I was going to have a fever earlier because I felt so cold. But I feel better now, Mama. Just a bit tired and sleepy. Tomorrow I will wake up early again for the laundry, like what I usually do on weekends.

    I guess that will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                        Roy

Family Day Out

 Dear Mama,

    The kids and I went out yesterday. We went to SM City Clark. I was a bit anxious and scared because of the situation. The threat of COVID is still very much alive, Mama. But I guess they needed a breather of sort. Especially Angel, who haven't been really getting out lately. We just made sure we follow all safety precautions, Mama. Of course, all the while I was silently praying that we won't get the virus.

    Ralph had his hair cut, after which we bought a few things at the department store. Then of course, we went for dinner at Sumo Niku. As you know, Mama, that will always be the highlight of our going out - to eat until we had our fill because I really cannot cook for them.

    We had a good time, Mama. Although it wasn't as spontaneous as when they were still small. But it was good, Mama. I wish you were with us.

    That's all I wanted to say, Mama. I miss you more in times like this.

    I love you, Mama.

                                                                                                            Daddy

Last quarter

 Dear Mama

    The title of my letter is last quarter because we are now entering the last quarter of the year. Of course, it can also mean the last quarter of my life.

    It's tough trying to stay strong, Mama. Trying to keep it all in because there's really no one I can open up to. So, I apologize if I am still bothering you today when you should be already resting.

    We are back in the office now, Mama. We started last Monday. And I'm thankful nobody among us here at home are sick. Thank you for looking after us, Mama.

    I guess that will be all for now, Mama. I should stop now, lest I start whining again. I just want to reach out to you. Please visit me in my dream, Mama.

    I miss you.

    I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy

I just want to talk

 Dear Mama,

    I really have nothing special to say. No news, nothing special happened, and I really don't know what to say. But I do want to talk to you, Mama. Just like old times, when we just talk nonsense, and sometimes we don't even talk. We just sit beside each other. Be silent beside each other. And I love how you tolerated me for those silence, Mama. When I don't say anything, and yet we are together.

    I miss you being beside me. I wish I can be with you soon. I know that is being too selfish because that means I will be leaving the kids by themselves. I'm sorry, Mama. I'm just tired. 

    I don't know what to say, but I want to talk to you, Mama. I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm sure you understand what I mean. I just want to be beside you.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                        Daddy

I have a headache, but I also have a good news

Dear Mama

    I have a headache right now. Actually, I've been feeling this throbbing pain since yesterday, but it has gotten worse today while we were eating. Just finished our dinner right now, Mama. I also took a pain reliever for my headache and will be sleeping early tonight.

    I do have a good news, for Toastmasters at least. We have reached 21 paid members for October to March semester.  At least I can breathe for a while, because we need at least 20 members for the club to continue. Now we just need 4 more new members, and also for the members to complete their speech projects for the club to have credits. I really don't like that system, but it is their only way of measuring growth for now, unfortunately.

    Well, as I've mentioned, I will be sleeping early. Tomorrow will be back-to-work Monday, although we are still on a work from home set up. So, I will have to say good night for, Mama.

    I hope we will be together soon. I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                Daddy

Another quarantine birthday

 Dear Mama,

    We just celebrated, yet again, another quarantine birthday for Ralph. We just stayed at home, I bought a cake for him, and they ordered pizza delivery. It wasn't much, but it's all we can do for now, Mama.

    I'm not sure how long this will last, and how long I can go on, Mama.

    Oh well, I just want to tell you we just celebrated a simple birthday for Ralph at home. I'll stop there.

    I really miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                                    Daddy

WFH again

 Dear Mama,

    Starting tomorrow, we will be on a work from home set up again. We are told not to report for work. It's actually a struggle for me because I will be using a laptop which is not really that fast. Although most of our works are Internet-based, I still have some files in my hard disk that I need for some of my works. 

    This set up is also not favorable for many of us, because it is a no work, no pay set up. That means if we have no Internet, or electricity, it might not be considered. This is not the case if we are at the office. I hope it will not be output-based, too since our outputs are dependent entirely on the documents and information that are being provided to us.

    This will be for a two-weeks time, Mama. Whether it will be extended after that, we still do not know.

    As far as leading my Toastmasters club is concern, I'm still failing, Mama. I am really not an effective leader.

    Anyway, before I go anywhere else, I better stop. Take care of yourself, Mama.

    I miss you.

    I love you.

                                                                                                        Daddy

Check up with the doctor

 Dear Mama,

    I went to my doctor this afternoon for my quarterly check up, and I brought my laboratory test results. The test results were okay, I checked them this morning after getting them from the lab, but of course, it won't be official until the doctor says so. 

    Like last quarter, I thought they were okay because they were within the accepted range. When the doctor saw the result however, my uric acid level actually increased from the previous quarters and it was on the borderline. He asked if I would like to have the dosage of my maintenance for the uric acid increased, but I said not yet. I will just exercise and we'll check again next time. Good thing they were better this time.

   That's all I really wanted to say right now, Mama. I don't have any news so far. Still struggling in keeping my Toastmasters club. I think this will be the downfall of me as a Toastmaster. I shouldn't have accepted the presidency. It exposed how poor a leader I am. Then again, I guess they already know that. It is just manifested more obviously now. I can't wait for this to be over.

    Anyway, that will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself.

    I miss you, Mama.

    I love you.

                                                                                            Daddy

Ralph birthday and our vaccination

 Dear Mama,

    I had my second shot of vaccine today. I don't feel any side effect so far, except that I feel sleepy. The kids also had their two shots of vaccine - Ralph and Angel were vaccinated last week, while Edgar was vaccinated about two weeks ago. I had Astra Zeneca, while the kids all had Sinovac. But, as everyone have said, it's better than nothing. I'm just thankful our kids are strong. Thank you for taking care of them well then, Mama.

    It will be Ralph's birthday next week, Mama. We still do not know what to do. We are not planning. Even though were all vaccinated, it's still not safe, Mama. Ralph actually wanted an overnight stay in a residential house with pool being rented here in Angeles City. I don't know. I don't feel comfortable, Mama. Maybe, we will just have deliveries and we'll celebrate at home.

    Not sure what to say next. I'm tired, Mama. I'm failing as a president of a Toastmasters club. Actually, I'm failing on a lot of things. I can't seem to get anything right. I'm tired.

    Sorry, Mama. I guess I better stop now.

    Take care of yourself, Mama.

    I miss you.

    I love you.

                        

                                                                                                    Daddy

Sorry, it's been a while

 Dear Mama

    I'm sorry for not writing to you for quite a while. Every time I planned to write a letter to you, it seems I wouldn't know what to say. I mean, without whining or wishing you were here. I know you should be resting, and I should not be bothering you with things like that anymore. Unfortunately, as you know, I really have no one to talk to.

    A lot of things have happened since my last letter, Mama. I may not be able to remember all of them. The kids have all gotten their vaccines for the corona virus, Mama. They already had their 2 shots, it was Sinovac, though. But as they all say, it's better than nothing. Good thing they had strong immune systems, and that is because you took care of them very well when you were still here, Mama.

    As for me, I will have my second shot next week. I had AstraZeneca for my first shot last July, so I am expecting they will give the same vaccine next week. We really cannot choose what vaccine we want, Mama. Since it was free, they would give what was available at the time of vaccination. We can only agree or decline the vaccine. If we declined, they may not be another chance for us to be scheduled for vaccination. So, in a way, we were forced to accept what was available.

    Also about me, Mama. They made me president of our Toastmasters club, the Cabalen San Fernandino Toastmasters Club, It's quite funny because I am not really a leader, Mama. That's why I'm struggling right now. I am not sure if I'm doing things right. I hope I won't fail my club, Mama.

    Ralph is still here, Mama. They are still on a work-from-home set up. Edgar is already a regular in his job. I hope he stays there longer now. Angel is planning for her future. 

    By the way, I was able to finish and publish more books, Mama. They are now all in Amazon. Unfortunately, of course, nobody buys them except maybe 2 or 3 of my friends who are in the US. Well at least I have books in Amazon haha...

    I guess that will be all for now, Mama. I hope I haven't forgotten that much. As you know, I am really growing older. As much as I hate to admit it, my memory isn't as sharp as it used to be. Although I may forget a lot of things, I will never forget how much you loved us and how you took care of us then despite of your condition, Mama.

    Thank you, Mama.

    I love you. I miss you.

                        

                                                                                                        Daddy

is this what getting old feels?

Dear Mama,

It's 4 a.m. right now, and I'm having my coffee before I prepare for work.  It's raining right now, although it's just a drizzle. I hope it will stop later so I can walk on my way to the office.

You know I need my daily walk, Mama. It's the only exercise I have right now. I've been feeling a lot lately. Yesterday, as I was picking up the laundry, my lower back suddenly hurt. And the pain never left, since. This must be what growing old really is. 

Oh, well... I guess it's inevitable. I will have to face it. Anyway, that will be all for now, Mama. I guess I need to stop now before I start whining again. 

I miss you, Mama. 

I love you. 

Daddy 

Do I have vertigo?

Dear Mama,

I hope you are well as you read this. I hope I am just being paranoid, Mama. Yesterday, I woke up at around 2 a.m. and went to the toilet. When I came back to lie again, I suddenly felt dizzy and everything seems to be moving. I don't know if I was in pain, but I was surprised, Mama. Then I lay still and waited until the dizziness and the movement around me subsided. It was quite a long spell, Mama. I felt light-headed after that. I can't even tell if I had a headache or not. Then when I tried to move, I felt dizzy again. So, I kept still.

As I went to work yesterday, I was observing myself. Every now and then I felt dizzy, or that "spinning" feeling again. But not as intense as what I felt at around 2 a.m. All throughout the day while I was working, I seem to have forgotten about it and did not feel anything. I don't know if I was just too busy or what.

Last night, however, I felt that "spinning" feeling again. Then again, this morning at around 1:30 a.m. There are "" mini" episodes in-between, and until now. I am just not sure if it is just me being paranoid.

Anyway, Ralph is back home. He went home last week just in time for our visit to you at La Pieta last Sunday, February 14, which was your anniversary. He opted to stay here since they are still on a work-from-home set up.

Edgar, will start in his new job this Monday in Clark. It's an I.T. company. I hope it will be a better company and he will stay there longer. I will be adjusting again, because I already got used to him helping me here at home. But, he needs to work for his future. 

Angel is still staying at home. I guess she's still searching for her path. But it's okay, Mama. I'm not rushing her. I can still take care and provide for her. I just hope she will be stable once I have my chance to follow you.

I guess that will be all for now, Mama. Sorry for writing you a long letter. Please take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama. 

I love you. 

Daddy 

Feeling drained again

Dear Mama,

I would like to apologize in advance, I'm sorry I am writing in this tone again. I feel drained again. I don't know if it's because it's the month of your death anniversary, or it's because of the realization that up until this time I have not really accomplished anything worthwhile or tangible.

I feel sorry for our children, Mama. I feel like I have not prepared them well enough. I'm worried about them. I know it's all my fault. I have been a weak father to them. I'm sorry, Mama.

I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go.

I wish you were here, Mama.

I'm really sorry.

Daddy

February

Dear Mama,

It's past 6 a.m. and  we have no power. It's brownout here in Angeles City, and it was announced as a city wide power interruption until 10 a.m. today. I was supposed to do the laundry at around 5:30 but I did not, because when we have no power, there's alao no water. So, I have the perfect excuse to be lazy.

I'm just waiting for 8 a.m. to wake Edgar up, because we will go to the supermarket to buy groceries. As you know, he has been helping me because he knows what to buy for Angel. He's taken charge of Angel's diet which actually helped improve her skin condition. That's why he's been doing most of the food preparations.

Yesterday was Ralph's first weekversary in his new place. He's doing fine so far. Aa I've mentioned, it's quite good except that the environment looks too crowded. It's a good thing he wasn't much of an introvert like his father.

Angel was asking me to buy her a new computer. Her laptop wasn't working for more than 3 years now. She's just using Edgar's desktop computer. I hope I'll have the funds to buy her soon. I guess I have to defer my plans of buying my own laptop for a while.

It will be February 1st tomorrow, and you know why I dislike this month. This was the month you left us 13 years ago, and on Valentine's day. 

Anyway, I'll stop here. I need to prepare for the day, although I really don't know what I will be preparing for. 

I miss you, Mama. I wish you were still here. 

I love you. 

Daddy 

Back to three

 Dear Mama,

This morning we went to Pasig to help Ralph. We rented a van so we can buy some of his things like an electric fan, table, chairs, and bed. Although we just bought a foam for now. The environment where Ralph moved in was a bit crowded. I think it's quite because of the crowd, although it is also not safe because of the crowd. I'm sure you know what I mean, Mama.

Ralph just called tonight, it's his first night in his new place. He has already taken his dinner, and was also able to buy some other things he needs, like water. He looks quite settled, although he hasn't finished unpacking yet. I don't think he'll be able to finish unpacking tonight because he likes to do other things first.

As for us, we arrived home at around 4 p.m., and I'm about to sleep now. I hope everything will get better soon, Mama. And I mean everything. Not just us, Mama, but the whole country, and the whole world, too. I'll be gone soon, and I don't think I'd like to leave our children with present condition that we have now. I wish things will get better soon.

That will be all for now, Mama.

I miss you.

I love you.

Daddy

Just one more week

Dear Mama,

It's Saturday, 6 a.m. and I'm doing the laundry. Just waiting for a few minutes before I get back to the whites. As you know, we have no washing machine, but we're fine without it.

That's not what I am writing about, though. Next Saturday, Ralph will be going back to Pasig. Of course, we'll be going there to help him set up. After that, it might take a while before he can go back home again. 

You know why I am so concerned with Ralph, Mama. I know he'll do fine, I just hope he gets better, and wiser, in his life. Please guide him, Mama. 

That will be all for now, Mama. I'm sorry for all my failures. I know things would have been better if only you were here. 

I miss you, Mama. 

I love you. 

Daddy 

Back to work

Dear Mama,

It's 4 a.m., and today we'll be going back to work after our Christmas break. 

The kids and I went to the mall yesterday, Mama. I met them there after meeting some Toastmasters friends at lunch time. We sort of had an extended birthday celebration Angel. 

Ralph will be going back to Pasig on the 23rd, not sure if I had already mentioned that before, so I felt we should be making the most of our time. 

On Angel's birthday last Saturday, we just stayed home. Angel prepared her own cake. We bought materials and ingredients in the morning. Edgar was the one who prepared and cooked our food then. We had a good time although we were just at home. We sang happy birthday for Angel. The food prepared by Edgar were also good

That's all for now, Mama. I will be preparing for work in a while. I miss you, Mama. I wish you were still with us. 

I love you. 

Daddy 

Angel's birthday tomorrow

Dear Mama,

It's just 4 a.m., and I'm having my coffee. Today's December 8, and tomorrow is Angel's birthday. She'll be turning 23 tomorrow, Mama. I still do not know what gift to give her. 

I feel like a bad father, Mama. I was at the mall yesterday walking to and fro, and I didn't find anything to give her. I don't know what she likes, I don't know what makes her happy, and it's like I don't really know her. Doesn't that make me a bad father, Mama?

I'm sorry. I know I have failed with the kids. A lot of people don't know it because it's not obvious. Everyone thinks I'm a great ideal father, but the kids know better. 

Anyway, I'll just finish my coffee and then I'll do the laundry. Edgar and I will be going to the supermarket today. 

I miss you, Mama. I still wish you are still here. 

I love you. 

.Daddy