Keeping my hopes high...

Dear Mama,

Everything's not good. But I'm keeping my hopes high, Mama. I know I should keep on fighting for the kids. There must be something good out there waiting for us.

Help me be strong, Mama.


Daddy

Done with the Christmas party

Dear Mama,

We're done with the Christmas party. I just have to clean up before I write to you about the party. The kids are now in their rooms, hopefully asleep. Although I'm sure they are still excited with their gifts.

I am glad they are still participating and enjoying our small Christmas party. Others may see it as awkward because we're just four. But we are having fun, Mama. Thanks to you for starting this with the kids, and now they are cooperating even if they have already grown up.

Well, I will have to sleep now. I feel tired and exhausted from all those days of feeling anxious for our Christmas party. I wish next year it could be bigger.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Ready for the Christmas party

Dear Mama,

In about an hour, we will start our Christmas party. Although we might start earlier today because Angel is very much excited, and hungry. She wants to start early. I am excited too. I want to start early so I can give their gifts already. Maybe at around 8:30, just thirty minutes earlier than the program. We're really excited, Mama!

We really wish you are here, Mama. We miss you. Merry Christmas, Mama!

I love you.


Daddy

All set for Christmas

Dear Mama,

I am all set for Christmas and for our Christmas party. I am in fact very excited for our party this year, Mama. I will try to make this fun and the best Christmas party for the kids. We will make it a happy party, Mama. I hope you will watch us. No, I hope you can join us Mama. I really wish you can.

There is a lot of cleaning to be done, though. Plus we do not have a camera. It looks like our digicam won't be fixed. It's too sad because we won't be able to preserve memories from our best Christmas party. I hope I can find one to borrow. Although it could be a shot in the dark, because everyone will be using their cameras for the special day. I could buy a cheap one, but that would leave me flat broke. But I might take the chance, Mama. Just in case I might not able to borrow one.

Well, that will be all for now Mama. I will see what else I can do to make this best Christmas party better. See you at our party. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

What am I doing wrong?

Dear Mama,

What am I doing wrong? Why am I asked like I am doing something wrong? Like I always have ill-will against others? Why are they making it appear that I am always the bad guy? I never did anything wrong, nor did I wish any misfortunes for others, even those who were not good to me. But why am I always being asked and being blamed? What did I do, Mama?

Anyway, our 13th month has been finally given to us Mama. Of course, it wasn't that big because we do not have a complete year to our credits. What we got were just prorated 13th month pay. At least, it is enough for the kids and I to celebrate our Christmas party, Mama. I still haven't bought any gifts for the kids. I do not know what to give them. I hope I will be able to think of the perfect gift for them before Christmas.

Well, that will be all for now, Mama. I better stop before I start whining again. Although, I really wish you are still here with me, Mama. I miss you. Take care of yourself.

I love you.


Daddy

Sorry...

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry if I told you in my last letter that we might not have our Christmas party this year. It was wrong for me to break the tradition just because we were not given our 13th month pay. I should not let inconsiderate acts affect our tradition that you started, Mama. We really do not need a big amount just to celebrate Christmas. I'm really sorry, Mama.

Honestly, I do not how, but the kids and I will continue with the celebration. It doesn't have to be that big. Even if we would just share a loaf of bread, or even pandesal, for the noche buena, I know the kids will understand... and we will have fun. We don't need money just to have a fun Christmas party, right Mama?

Maybe there won't be prizes for every games, but at least the kids will have bragging rights. They may not receive any gift for me this Christmas, but I will assure them that I will take care of them Mama, until my last breath.

Sorry for giving up easily, Mama. I will try to be strong... and I'm really trying, Mama. I do. If only I can see you smile again and hold your hands. I miss you, Mama. I love you.


Daddy

Almost Christmas

Dear Mama,

It's late and I'm still awake. I was trying to work on my second book, Mama. It's not yet finished, but it will be soon. I'm just collating everything. Hopefully, I would be able to get enough funds so I can publish it next year. I hope you'll be proud of me, Mama.

It's almost Christmas, but I am still not sure if we can celebrate it and have our Christmas party that you started years ago. I am praying that they finally give us our 13th month pay so we can have the budget for the celebration. I still do not have any gifts for the kids, Mama. I'm sorry for putting them last on the list. I was hoping to give them something special. Unfortunately, there won't be enough money for my plans. Still, I am praying. I want this to be the best Christmas for the kids, Mama.

Well, I will be sleeping now. I hope tomorrow will be a better day for me and the kids. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Dear Mama,

I had a great time with the kids today at the mall. We were able to complete the gifts on my list, except my gifts for our kids. I'm still waiting for our 13th month, Mama. I hope they would give it early this week so I can buy my gifts for them and prepare for our Christmas party on Christmas eve.

It will be fun, Mama. I really hope they give us our money early.

Edgar and Angel are already on their Christmas vacation, Mama. While Ralph will still be having their prelims exam this week. I hope I can finish all my pending jobs so I can celebrate Christmas in peace.

Well, that's all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Dear Mama,

The kids and I went out for late ice cream at the Jollibee highway tonite. Actually, I went out earlier to take a look at the Christmas party of AUFMC. It was almost finished when I got there and some people were already going home. I went out of the venue immediately because... she might see me.

Anyway, as I reached home, I asked Angel if she wants to go out for ice cream. Of course she said yes, Mama. She said we should go out so I won't feel depressed because the party was already finished. Our baby is really smart, Mama.

We had fun and nobody ruined the happy spirit. That is why I'm happy, Mama. On Sunday, we will be going out to buy some Christmas gifts. Although we may not be able to buy everything then because our 13th month were not yet given to us. I just hope they give it before Christmas.

I still haven't prepared the menu and program for the Christmas party, Mama. Although there were already suggestions and request for the kids. Will be sitting it out with the kids to discuss it formally on Sunday.

Well, that's about it for now, Mama. I will be sleeping in the while. The kids are already asleep. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Am I a bad father?

Dear Mama,

It was supposed to be perfect day. But Ralph just have to ruin it. Can't we really just a normal happy family? Or is it because I am really a bad and lousy father/?

I'm sorry Mama... I'm failing you.


Daddy

Happy anniversary Mama!

Dear Mama,

Happy 21st wedding anniversary! Although you are no longer here, I will never forget our anniversary and all our special dates, Mama. And together with the kids, we will be celebrating this special day. Thank you very much for the love that you gave me, Mama. I am blessed to have a wife like you.

Happy anniversary Mama! I love you.

I miss you.


Daddy

I'm trying Mama

Dear Mama,

I told myself that I will not write you any letter of whining or sadness. You do not need to hear any of it. I'm trying Mama.

But let me just say I really wish you're with me right now. I need you, Mama. I miss you.


Daddy

About Ralph

Dear Mama,

I told you once that I will talk about Ralph sometime. I guess now is that time. He just broke up with his girlfriend, Mama. He seems to be okay, or at least he is trying to show that he's okay. I just told him that it is better for him because now he can concentrate on his studies.

You see Mama, Ralph was always preoccupied before. I was always trying to tell him, in fact I was short of nagging him, to focus on his studies and his future. Which he cannot really do before because he was distracted. Fortunately he never got a failing grade, but I can tell that he is distracted. I can't blame him, she's her first girlfriend.

I don't know if I have told him the right words, but I said that he should never get mad at her nor have any ill-feelings. Just take it as a learning experience and he will be meeting more women since he is still young. Take his time and just focus on his future.

You are better at this, Mama. I wish he can talk to you. I know he will be okay. I hope.

That will be all for now, Mama. The kids are already sleeping in their rooms. I will also sleep in a while. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Sorry Mama, I bought new shoes

Dear Mama,

Yesterday, the kids and I went out to spend some time together at the mall. We went out to look for Angel's gift for their Christmas party, and I asked to two boys to go with us. A change of scenery would do us good. We haven't gone out for quite a while.

Last Thursday, we bought cake and ice cream to celebrate your birthday. I was not able to cook, Mama. We waited for the two boys to come home before we ate so we could sing you a happy birthday song. So we started late with our simple celebration. It was just the kids and I.

Mama, I bought new shoes today. I'm sorry, Mama. I asked for Angel's permission before I bought the shoes. She said it was just okay. The shoes were rather expensive, P900. It was a discounted price, actually. I bought it even if it was expensive because I know the boys and I can all wear it since we all have the same shoe sizes now. I hope it's okay with you, Mama.

Tomorrow is Family Day at Angel's school. I will be going to spend the day at the school although I really do not know what to do. Last year we just watched. Ralph might go with us tomorrow. Edgar will be having his practice with the choir. They are practicing almost everyday. He said their performance will be on Tuesday. Unfortunately I won't be able to watch it.

It will be our anniversary in a few days time, Mama. Our 21st wedding anniversary. Thank you for trusting me and making me feel loved and appreciated. At least, I can say that I have experienced the best love in my lifetime.

I'll stop for now Mama before I get all to mushy. Until my next letter. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Happy birthday, Mama!

Dear Mama,

I’m writing this letter in advance so I can send it to you tonight at midnight. It’s your birthday, Mama. Happy birthday! Every time your special day comes, we miss you all the more. How I wish we can still celebrate you birthday with you, Mama. But I’m sure you are joining us even if we cannot see you, Mama. We can still feel you’ll love… like you never left us. I just wish we can hug you.

I still do not know how we are going to celebrate your birthday, Mama. Like what I’ve said before, we might not celebrate it exactly on your birthday because I can’t be absent from work and the boys won’t be home until 9 p.m. So, we will be celebrating it tomorrow, Mama. I do hope that’s okay with you.

I’m still not sure whether I’ll cook or we’ll just go out. I cannot make plans because I still do not know how much we can spend. Not sure if I’m going to get some extra money. But whether or not I receive extra money, we’re going to celebrate your birthday, Mama. No matter how simple the celebration may be.

Anyway, I’ve said a lot. I forgot, I will send you today the song I wrote for you. I’m sure you have already heard me practicing it, I hope you like what I did. Although I wrote the song for you, it seems like the message is in my favor because I am asking you to send me smiles to help me cope with what I am going through.

I wrote the song when I was sick and feeling so low, and I was looking for you then. How I wished I can see you smile… hold your hands and embrace you. Perhaps I would have felt better right there and then. But I know that is asking too much. I just have to be contended with the thought you are always here with us.

Damn! I almost cried. But I can’t. I’m in the office right now. My officemates might think I’m crazy.

I’m talking too much, Mama.  I’ll just let you listen to the song I wrote for you… it’s called “Smile for Me.”

I hope you like it, Mama. Happy birthday!

I love you, Mama. I miss you.


Daddy


P.S. Please send me smiles, Mama.

4 days till your birthday

Dear Mama,

I was supposed to write to you last night, but I fell asleep while I was watching TV to give the children a chance to use the computer. Edgar was sick yesterday, he came home from his choir practice not feeling well. This morning, he felt better. I knew you helped me again in taking care of him. Thank you, Mama.

Angel and Ralph came home yesterday at around 5 p.m. from their shooting. It seems Angel is really serious in her craft, Mama. If only she will be focused. She gets easily distracted. I knew she's serious because she said they had to pack up, because she stressed one of her actors. They might continue next week. She was so tired that she slept when they arrived home, Mama. I'll talk to you about Ralph some other time. I have a lot to tell you about him, Mama.

It's 4 days til your birthday, Mama. I do hope we can make it special for you. I hope I can, Mama. But if ever, we might celebrate it the next day because I can't be absent from work. You know how it is in my present job, Mama. I need to be there, especially with your birthday falling on a payday. I hope you understand, Mama.

We will be having our dinner in a while. Take care of yourself, Mama. Until my next letter.

I miss you, Mama. I love you.


Daddy

Dear Mama,

I sit here in front of my computer, thinking of what to write to you.... something positive. Well, for one... we're alive and nobody's sick. Kidding. I'm not being sarcastic, Mama. Just trying to warm up, while I think of what to say.

I am almost finished with the video I am editing, Mama. I will upload it on your birthday. I hope you will like the song I wrote for you.

Tomorrow, Angel will be "shooting a short movie," according to her. She wrote the script and she said she is the producer. She said she won't acting in the story, Mama. I hope she knows what she's doing. Ralph will be assisting Angel. He will be the director. Edgar was to supposed to join them and act in Angel's story, but they have choir practice and tomorrow.

Anyway, it's almost midnight and I will need to rest soon. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Edgar was almost a scholar

Dear Mama,

It's almost midnight, 11:30 p.m. to be exact, and Edgar is not yet home. He told Ralph this morning that they will be practicing for the choir after class. His class is up to 9:00 p.m. I never thought they would reach this late, Mama. He said they will be provided food for dinner. But it's really late. I should not be worried... but I am, Mama.

He is active in school now than he was in his first year in college. I hope his joining the choir would boost his self-esteem and open doors of opportunity for him to better hone his talents in music.

Did you know that Edgar was almost a scholar this semester? He told me that during dinner last week. If only he did not get a low grade in one of his subject, he might have been an academic scholar. It would have been a great relief if he were, Mama. I told him that it only means he can do it if only he'll try a little bit harder. But I don't want to pressure the kids just so I would have a lighter obligation, I want them to do it because it is what they want.

Anyway, Edgar is already home now Mama. He arrived when I was halfway through this letter. The kids are now resting in their rooms. I will be sleeping in a while also, Mama. Take care of yourself. Good night, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

Still a dream...

Dear Mama,

They already released the finalists for the songwriting contest, and as usual, my name was not on the list. Should I be surprised, Mama? Is it even right for me to feel disappointed and frustrated? I already know beforehand that I don't stand a chance. Why did I even join in the first place?

I never learn my lesson, Mama. I know that I am not a good songwriter... not a good singer... and not really a musician, but why do I bother to join songwriting contests? Do I really expect to win or at least be one of the finalists? Some guts I have, right?

I'm sorry, Mama. I just had to vent out. I wish I can stop myself from joining next time.

Take care of yourself, Mama. Wish you were here now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Angel at Top 5!

Dear Mama,

You know what? Angel is in the Top 5 of her class! Yes Mama! Our baby is Rank No. 5 in her class! I was really surprised, Mama. Although I can see how hard she is working on her studies, I was not really expecting her to reach that high. You know how we don't want to push our children and just enjoy their studies, as long as they pass. Of course, that is a welcome news Mama. I hope it will motivate her to take her schooling even more seriously. I am still thinking of what reward I am going to give our baby, Mama.

This morning Mama, when I woke Angel up to prepare for school, she told me she dreamed about you. So instead of hurrying her up, I sat on her bed to hear her story. She said she was in an orphanage and according to the people there, you were one of the benefactors there. The man said you have already donated more than P60,000 there, and that you left somethings with them and told them to give those to your children.

Angel introduced herself as your youngest daughter, and they gave her several boxes. When Angel opened the boxes, she recognized your things. There were also some money inside the boxes. Angel was puzzled. First, she was asking me why did you have money to donate to orphanage? And how did those boxes get there?

Of course, I cannot answer her about the boxes. But as to the donations, I told her it was really your nature to help others. And that even if you have no money, you will find some ways, even borrowing money from others just so you can give to those who come to you.

Then Angel said, she never saw you in her dream Mama. But she said she felt your presence. I just smiled at her. I was actually envious. I am happy though, that she dreamed of you, Mama. And I guess, it was good dream, because it showed how kindhearted you really are.

Her dream only made miss you even more, Mama. How I wish I would dream of you too. Anyway, your birthday's near and I am thinking of how we are going to celebrate it, Mama. Of course, I am preparing something special you. I hope you will like it, Mama.

So I guess, that will be all for now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I love you.


Daddy

Running out of luck

Dear Mama,

I think I run out of luck. I don't know how we will go about tomorrow's needs, unless of course I go to Nanay's house again, making me more the loser that I am.

What will I do, Mama? I don't know where else to go. And I thought everything will be easy. I guess not, Mama. Things are harder, to be honest... because now I have to face them all by myself. I used to know what to do before, or at least I would have you around to ask.

But now... it's just me by my lonesome. I'm trying to survive, Mama. I'm trying my best.

I hope I can rely on more than just luck and sympathy.

It is tiring, Mama.


Daddy


P.S. I love you, Mama.

What am I doing wrong?

Dear Mama,

It's Sunday morning, eight o'clock. The kids are still asleep, I don't want to wake them up because I've no breakfast to serve them. Well, I don't plan to starve them, Mama. I am just planning to serve them brunch later so we can save something. Besides, they do need the rest especially Angel who always wake up at 5 a.m. from Monday to Friday to go to school.

What am I doing wrong, Mama? You know I don't have any vices, no unnecessary expenses, and even skipping lunch at work just to save, and yet I still can't make both ends meet. Am I the worst father and provider there is, Mama? I can't provide for the children's basic needs. I've run out of friends from I can borrow money just to support the kids. I already feel like I'm a thick-faced clown, Mama. And to think I am working with a good pay, yet it is still not enough to support the kids' schooling! When will this be over, Mama? Am I the worst father there is?

I'm sorry, Mama. I should just be talking about happy things to you. It will be your birthday soon and I should be preparing for it. I hope I can make something for it, Mama.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I'm sorry for my whining. I'm trying to do my best. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Not enough angels in heaven?

Earth's loss is heaven's gain

Dear Mama,

Sometimes I ask God if He doesn't have enough angels in heaven and He has to call you back early. I know, I don't have any right to ask Him, but you know me Mama, I just don't care whether it is right or wrong, I just have to spit it out. Maybe He really needed you there to help teach the cherubims. I guess, there's really nothing I can do about that.

Anyway, it will be your birthday in three week's time, Mama. I'm planning something special. No, not really a special food. I really don't know if I can cook this time since I don't have enough money this year. But I wrote a song for you, and I hope to finish the video and upload it on your birthday. I hope you will like it, Mama.

Well, I really don't have anything much to say today. I don't want to whine again. I just want to talk to you and say just about anything. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

What I would like right now

Dear Mama,

You know what I really like right now? I want to see you smile... hold your hands... and embrace you. Maybe it would make me feel that I can still go on.

I'm tired, Mama.


Daddy

Please visit me in my dream

Please visit me in my dream, Mama.

Now what?

Dear Mama,

I don't know. I feel so down for no apparent reason, other than the obvious of course.

The kids are asleep, Edgar and Angel. Ralph is not at home right now. He'll go home tomorrow. It's past midnight right now.

It will be the start of second semester on Monday (tomorrow, literally). Angel will be having their exams in two week's time. Then it will be your birthday.

I'm not making sense in my letter right Mama, am I? I really don't know what to say. I just want to talk to you. I just wish I can see you right now. Anxiety kicking in.

I miss you, Mama. I wish I can hug you right now.


Daddy

It was nice visiting you again, Mama

Dear Mama,

It was nice visiting you again today at the cemetery. It's been awhile, I know. I'm sorry for not going there to visit you as often as I used to do. I'm really glad that I was able to go there again with the kids. Your families are there, although we did not see 'Ma. You know she can no longer go to crowded place like the cemetery during All Saints' Day, Mama.

Well, it was nice keeping in touch with your family again, Mama. You know I rarely see them too, aside from Christmas and special occasions where they invite us, we do not really see them.

Anyway, I do hope I can visit you as often, Mama. By the way, in just a few weeks, it will be your birthday again. I am not sure if I can prepare for it, especially for it being a regular working day and I cannot take a leave from work, but we will still celebrate it, Mama. Me and the kids, no matter how simple it may be, we will not let your birthday pass without making it special... in our own little way.

Well, I guess that will be all for now, Mama. The kids are already asleep. I will rest in a while too. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

I did not allow Angel...

Dear Mama,

Edgar is already enrolled. I'm glad he was allowed to enroll in spite of the minimal payment we gave. At least I would have some time to think of finding more money for his succeeding installments. Ralph has a chance of having his OJT grade for 1st semester be reconsidered. That is if the company he worked with cooperate. I hope so.

Mama, I did not allow Angel today to go out with her classmate. She said they will be going to Carmenville to get their costumes, although I know that it will not be their main intention but to go trick or treating there. She was already in her classmate's house when she asked through text. I just cannot allow her to go out yet, Mama. I knew she was disappointed because she was sad when I came home.

I tried explaining to her why I can't let her go. She was not arguing, she was just quiet, Mama. To make up for it, I took her with me to the grocery and bought her some candies. She was already fine when we got home.

The kids are growing up fast, Mama. I just wish I can keep up with them.

That'll be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Will it ever get better?

Dear Mama,

Tomorrow, Edgar will be enrolled. Although I won't be able to pay the full entrance fee required, but I hope he will be enrolled. Ralph will also get his class schedule tomorrow and talk to the dean so that his OJT would be reconsidered. Otherwise, I would have to pay another P5,000 for his OJT fee this semester and he will be having his hands full attending it instead of just focusing on his academics.

I thought I will be okay for a while. Unfortunately, Angel will be having their exams on November 16. That means I need to pay again for her tuition fee. Looks like I will be signing another promissory note.

When will this end? To think I do not have any vices and no unnecessary expenses. Our only indulgence is food, Mama. You know that, right? Should I cut on it too? I already cut my coffee. In fact, I didn't buy coffee when my stock run out.

I'm not complaining, Mama. I'm sorry. I'm trying to be strong and hopefully I will make it and let all our kids finished their schooling. I will do everything I can to fulfill my promise to you, Mama. I'm sorry if I am whining sometimes.

I wish I can hold your hands or embrace you right now. I really need it... I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I'm trying to hold on

I'm trying to hold on, Mama. I'm trying to be strong at the midst of all these things. I hope I can make it, Mama. Help me, please.

Ralph is already enrolled, but Edgar isn't

Dear Mama,

Ralph is enrolled. But I haven't raised the money yet for Edgar's enrollment. I am still waiting for the miracle... it's all I can hope for right now, Mama. I'm sorry, like what I've said before, I've run out of luck.

I am still trying to figure out why am I always in this predicament and what am I doing wrong, Mama. I wish I can be a better father to our kids. I'm sorry if I am failing you.

It's just too hard to continue, Mama. I wish you're near me now. I need you, Mama.


Daddy

I need you now, Mama

Dear Mama,

I’m writing this letter at the office now and I will send it to you later when I get home. I just want to talk to you, Mama. I really wish I can talk to you right now. I don’t know what’s happening but it feels like the land I’m standing on is getting smaller or that I have painted myself to the corner. I’ve nowhere to go, Mama.

If I’ve done anything wrong, at least I wouldn’t be as confused as I am right now. I am not sure Mama, but I know I didn’t do anything wrong to be in a predicament like this. It feels like I can’t do anything right. Everything I do always make things worse. What’s happening to me, Mama? Am I cursed? Is this karma?

All my life, I’ve nothing but good intentions for all the people around me. I try not to harbor any ill feelings towards any person, even those who I believe have done me wrong. But as it is, any effort I do is either misinterpreted or taken for granted once I make an inadvertent blunder. I know I am no saint Mama, but I am definitely not the devil-incarnate. But why are these things happening to me right now?

I’m sorry I’m at it again, Mama. I can’t help it. Being all alone, facing all these problems by myself and as if that is not enough, I have to be hit from all sides. I don’t even know where to run or who to trust. Why don’t I just die, Mama? So that I will be with you instead.

Yes. The kids, I know. I’m sorry. I’m being too selfish. But I’m really tired, Mama. I can’t be strong forever. I just can’t.

I really wish you’re here, Mama. I miss you… I need you.


Daddy


p.s. I love you, Mama.

I've run out of luck

Dear Mama,

It seems I've run out of lock. I can't seem to find the solution to my problem. Please help me, Mama.


Daddy

I wish I would dream of you tonight

Dear Mama,

I miss you. I wish I would dream of you tonight, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I'm sorry, Mama... I'm a failure

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry I failed you. I'm a failure as a father, Mama. I'm a worthless father. I can't provide for their needs... I can't guide them well... I can't do anything right! I'm really sorry, Mama.


Daddy

Sundae with the kids

Dear Mama,

Just got home, it's already past 11 p.m. I took the kids to McDonald's for sundae. Of course, once we're already there, they also ordered other stuff. I thought of taking them out because Angel and Edgar had a disagreement and I shouted at Edgar. It's my way of breaking the tension. I hope it's okay, Mama.

Still haven't found money for Ralph's tuition fee. I'm still praying for miracles, Mama. Help me pray.

Until my next letter, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Looks like I won't make it

Dear Mama,

Looks like I've run out of luck. I was able to pay for Edgar's balance for the 1st sem, but I still haven't raised money for Ralph's balance, and soon it will be enrollment for 2nd sem once again. I thought I will be okay with my new job. Unfortunately, everything's still hanging in air, Mama. I'm trying to look for source elsewhere but I can't seem to find one.

Of course, the kids don't know it. They do not have to worry. They still don't skip meals, Mama. You don't have to worry about that. They will be taken care of as I have promised you. Maybe, I'll find a way somehow... I hope.

It's 6 p.m. now, Mama. It will be dinner time. The kids are cooking, since they'll just be cooking instant noodles, so I just let them do the cooking. Most of time, actually Mama. I would just cook when I will be preparing something special for them, which has been very rare lately.

Pray that I will survive this week, Mama.

Until my next letter. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

It's just another Manic Monday

Dear Mama,

Do you still remember the song Manic Monday? Remember how it was like a theme song to us then, Mama? Because every Monday you'd be going to San Fernando and we won't see each other again for a week. Looks like I'm singing it again this time, Mama. I really don't feel like proceeding to Monday. Actually, I don't feel like going on with my life anymore.

I'm just pretending to be strong, Mama. For the sake of the people around me. But being strong is tiring. Whatever I do, nothing right happens. I don't think even the honest of intentions won't serve me well. I'm all fucked up, Mama. I really can't go on.

I wish I can be with you right now.


Daddy

Happy Teacher's Day, Mama!

Dear Mama,

Happy Teacher's Day! You were one of the most dedicated teacher I ever knew. I'm sure, little angels up there in heaven are now very happy for having one of the best teachers who came to them.

I miss you, Mama. Take Care.

I love you.


Daddy

Hold my hands...

Hold my hands, Mama. Don't let me give up... please.

Help me be strong for the kids, Mama.

...

Dear Mama,

I don't know what I'm going to say to you right now. I want to quit, yet I know I can't. I am distracted right now, Mama. Too many things going  on now, both good and bad... and then worse.

There are still no results in the songwriting contest, Angel and I attended a scriptwriting workshop yesterday and now she wants to join in the short film making contest, I still haven't published my short story book yet and I do not know if I should still continue with it, and I am about to lose my job again. That is if I am going to quit.

Still not in the best of health right now Mama, physically, mentally, emotionally... and I believe I am also spiritually malnourished. Otherwise, I would not be as disturbed as I am right now. It's really hard going through all these things alone. I wish you're here by my side, Mama. So at least I can hold your hand, or hug you. That would make me feel better.

I'm tired, Mama. I can't always be that strong. I need you, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Good morning

Dear Mama,

Just want to say good morning. I'm feeling better now. I hope things turn out better too this day, and the rest of the week.

Angel is already in school, the two boys are still sleeping. Will be preparing for work in a while, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Was that vertigo?

Dear Mama,

When I woke up this morning, I felt dizzy when I tried to stand up. It seemed everything around me was moving. I thought I would passed out. It was just a few seconds, Mama. But it was painful. And all throughout the day, I felt it a couple of times, especially when I looked down or everytime I try to stand up from lying. It was the first that this happened to me, Mama. I went to bed early last night, and I was fine. I don't know what triggered it.

This afternoon, I went to the hospital to have my BP checked. I felt relieved that it was normal, although I was still puzzled. I also feel a little pain at the back of my neck, Mama. I thought I was just having a stiff neck because I can't look behind me without turning my whole body.

Right now, I feel fine although I still feel dizzy sometimes but not as painful as it was this morning. Maybe tomorrow I'll be better, Mama.

That will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Going home after attending the workshop

Dear Mama,

I was able to attend the workshop today and went home without any hassle. The workshop was more of a symposium, actually. It wasn't interactive, aside from the crowd singing with Ryan Cayabyab. The finalists who made it the Philpop songwriting contest were also presented. Now, I know why I lost. They were good, Mama. I really do not stand a chance. If only I can play the guitar and sing better. Maybe I would have a chance.

Anyway, on my way home, while on bus... I suddenly felt a sting. I became sad. I imagine myself on the bus then, going home for the weekend after working five days in Makati. You were texting and asking were am I already and of course, telling me to take care. It was a nice and warm feeling. But this afternon, from Manila to Angeles, my phone was silent. All of a sudden, I felt the emptiness once more.

I don't know why. It was farthest from my mind. I guess I'm going through that episode again.

Well I better stop now before I start whining again. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

Songwriting workshop and senior citizen insinuation

Dear Mama,

I am very much excited for the songwriting workshop tomorrow. I will get to meet The Maestro, Ryan Cayabyab, who will be conducting the workshop. I hope I can make my time worthwhile. I mean, I hope I could reach out and really participate instead of just being so quiet at the back. I hope I can get something from the experience, and of course, I wish I can have the guts to ask Mr. Cayabyab for a photo opportunity. It would make the workshop participation complete, right Mama?

You know what, Mama? I bought medicine on my way home at Mercury Drugstore at the highway. I was surprised because the saleslady asked me I have a senior citizen card. I dismissed it at first and proceeded with my business. When I asked for vitamins, she asked me if I wanted the premium type, the one which is for 50 years old and above. Imagine that! Do I really look that old?! I know I already have white hairs, but they're not all white, Mama. How tactless can that saleslady be? She should be thankful I was not my grumpy old self.

Anyway, I guess it's inevitable. I know I'm growing old and I'll do it all alone... until I'll be with you once again, Mama. By then, growing old won't mean a thing to me anymore because I am with you once again. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I feel sleepy

Dear Mama,

I feel sleepy. But I don't think this is just plain 'sleep.' It's just like the one I felt when you slapped my face because I needed to wake up. If ever Mama, please be there to meet me. Just in case I won't be able to fight it.

Take care, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

joint paints

I am sick Mama. My body aches all over. It's so painful, Mama. Wish you were here.

What is this?

Dear Mama,

What is this I am feeling? Last night, while I was on the computer, I feel sleepy. I wasn't able to fight it. I had to stop and lie down, Mama. I always feel sleepy and tired, even just when I wake up. Today, I wake up with the pain in back, and the back of my neck. I also feel pain in my wrists, Mama. I hope it's not CTS.

Am I still normal? I don't want to go the doctor. I'd rather use the money for the children's needs. I hope it's nothing serious. I wish you were here, Mama. I could use a hug right now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Home after celebrating Ralph's birthday

Dear Mama,

Just came home after eating out with the kids to celebrate Ralph's 20th birthday. We just ate at the steak house here in Marisol. Ralph wanted to try the Japanese restaurant in Balibago, but it was raining so I opted that we eat somewhere near instead. After all, in our 4 years stay here in Marisol, we haven't tried that place yet.

It was okay. It wasn't that expensive and the kids had their fill of steak, which we rarely do. If I am not mistaken, it was actually their first time. After eating, instead of dessert at the restaurant, we just went to a nearby store after eating. We bought ice cream and took it home to eat, Mama. I believe that was better and more practical.

Anyway, the kids will be resting now, and I will be too in a while. I wasn't a big celebration Mama, but at least we were able to spend time together.

Guess that will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Ralph will be turning 20 tonight

Dear Mama,

Our son Ralph will be turning 20 tonight. He will be no longer be a teener, Mama. No, we're not yet really okay. I just have to let it go for now. It's his birthday, I don't want him to be stressed, fee; anxious or depressed on his birthday. I wish I would know how to handle him, Mama.

I am planning to take them out tomorrow night, Mama. Unfortunately, I am not  sure if it will push through. I have not yet received my salary and I am not sure if we will have it tomorrow. Worse, I don't have enough money right now to give to the kids for their allowance tomorrow. I hope things will get better soon, Mama.

I will have to stop here. I might start complaining again. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

I am a loser

Dear Mama,

I am really a loser! An ASSHOLE! I over-reacted again. I shouted at Ralph over phone because I learned from Angel that he will be staying overnight in his classmate's house. I got mad because he didn't tell me. He never tell me anything anymore, Mama. It's like I do not exist anymore to him. Am I that such a father, Mama?

I don't know what else to do, Mama.


Daddy

Exams, tuition fee deadlines, Ralph's birthday and Angel's audition

Dear Mama,

It's Angel's exam week and you know they will be asking for payments so she can get her exam permit. I will be filling up another promissory note just to get her permit, I am not sure thought if they will allow me because I will not be making any partial payment this time, Mama. Payday won't be until Friday and I need to get her permit before that day. I know, they will again look at me from head to toe, before approving my promissory note. If ever they do, Mama.

Then it occurred to me, Edgar will be having their final examinations soon. During finals, they do not allow promissory notes. I need to pay the full balance of his tuition fee, and I really do not know where I will get the money to do so. My work promised me an extra pay for every approved project, and we already have one. I was hoping they will be true to their promise. If not, it will only confirm my earlier apprehension -- that I made the wrong decision. Worst, the kids have to suffer for it, Mama.

Ralph will also be having his finals, but he can still take the exam without permit. However, I still need to raise the money for his tuition fee, both his balance for this semester and his down payment for the next semester. I don't know where to go, Mama.

Speaking of Ralph, he will be celebrating his birthday on Friday. I just used the word celebrated in the absence of a better term, but there will no celebration really. He will be turning 20, Mama. I don't know, maybe I'll just cook something for him on weekend. I'm sorry, Mama.

Angel would like to join an audition for the new GMA 7 TV show, Mama. The problem is, the audition will be held on Thursday, and they have class on that day. She wants to allow her to join the audition even if it means being absent from class. Of course, I did not allow her. Again, I am the reason for her not fulfilling her dream.

What else? All I've been saying to you are my incapability, inadequacy, and ineffectiveness as a single father, Mama. I know I am being a disappointment to you, but I'm trying my best. I'm sorry for my shortcomings, Mama. I wish I will have the opportunity to make up for all of these.

I will say goodbye for now, Mama. Again, I'm really sorry. Take care of yourself, always. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

failing...

Dear Mama,

I'm failing again. I wish I can find more strength to continue.

I need you, Mama.


Daddy

Nothing...

Dear Mama,

I got nothing to say. Nothing that will make say, that's what I mean. I do not know, Mama. One second, I'm good,  inspired and motivated... and the next, I just feel like I want to end it all.

It's insane, Mama.

I don't know what to do.


Daddy

Good morning, Mama

Dear Mama,

Good morning!

That's really all I wanted to say right now. I woke up early today. I was not feeling well last night and I retired early. I still some pains, but I am slightly better, Mama.

I hope this day will be a good one.

I need to prepare for the day, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Angel's rice ball

Dear Mama,

It's Angel's turn to prepare a surprise for us. She prepared rice ball for dinner. It was nice. She still has to practice, but it's okay. You would have been proud of her, Mama.

Anyway, I do not have much to say right now, Mama. Nothing's new. Nothing exciting is happening, it is still boring here.

I guess I should end my letter now, lest I bore you too. Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

My first shrimp dish

Dear Mama,

Today I cooked Buttered Garlic Shrimp. I learned the recipe and procedures from YouTube, Mama. I searched for a shrimp dish because Angel has been requesting for me to cook something with shrimp. I was reluctant Mama, fortunately it turned out well. I wish you could have tasted it, Mama. You might have loved it too and you would have been proud of me. Angel gave it a score of 10.

I'm trying my best to fill in the shoes you left Mama, especially in the kitchen. I wish I can cook more real foods for the kids. I guess, they may not say it, but I'm sure they miss your cooking Mama. I know I do, Mama... just like how I miss you.

Until my next kitchen conquest, Mama. You're still the best cook for me. I miss you, Mama. Take care of yourself.

I love you.


Daddy

Our water pipe and Angel's new jacket

Dear Mama,

One of our water pipe was broken yesterday. We had to turn off the main water valve to prevent water from flowing freely inside the house. I tried to fix it but it only worsened the problem. I was looking for a quick fix to it, but when I asked from the hardware store this morning, they told me there's no shortcut to fixing the pipe. Instead, they taught me what I should do. Which I tried and I learned that it wasn't that easy. Until I gave up. Still, we have no water.

I tried asking again, this time from those open  shelves hardware stores inside the mall. Again, I was told that there's no shortcut and told me to do what the first hardware store also told me. So, I had no choice. When I went back home, I did was I told. I almost wanted to give up again until finally, I was able to do what they wanted me to do and I was able to fixed the pipe and so now, we have water again. Oh well, I'm still not old to learn new things, Mama.

This evening, Angel and I went to the grocery after having dinner. Before going home, we passed by a clothes store inside the mall and I showed her the jacket I told her a few days before. She was asking me to buy her a varsity jacket Mama since two months ago. We asked for the price of the jacket, it was P400. It wasn't really on the budget, but I thought that if I didn't buy the jacket at that instance, I might not be able to buy her anymore. So, I bought the jacket and Angel was very happy.

Edgar will be having their midterm exams next week. I already got his permit. As usual Mama, I once again signed a promissory note just to get his permit. I hope there will come a time when I won't have to sign any promissory note just for our kids to take their exams.

I really wish things would be better soon, Mama. Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Take care of yourself, Mama. Until my next letter. I miss you, Mama.


I love you.


Daddy

Stupid once again...

Dear Mama,

I feel like an idiot! I'm beginning to hate myself. I'm once a stupid to the nth degree! I wish all of these would stop so I can focus on the kids.

If only you were here Mama, none of this hurting would even exist.

I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I got rained on...

Dear Mama,

I got rained on, on my way home. Of course I wasn't bringing any umbrella, Mama. It wasn't raining when I left the house this morning. Upon reaching our house, I felt my head ached and I also felt cold. I hope I won't get fever or the flu. I need to work tomorrow.

I already took medicine, Mama. I know I have to take care of myself. I might sleep early tonight, to be sure. I hope everything around me will get better soon, Mama. I really wish for it.

Until my next letter, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Still waiting...

Dear Mama,

I'm still waiting for the result of the songwriting contest. I don't know why I am even waiting. It's not that I'm expecting, Mama. I know it's a long shot, but I can't dream, can't I!?

I could use a hug right now, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

What can I tell you this time?

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry. I know I haven't written for quite a while. It's not that I'm really busy, you know I will always find time if I wanted to, Mama. It's just that I was too lazy, distracted and disorganized. I am not sure if I should do the stories, write new songs, clean the house, start work on another book, etc., etc., and in the process, I was not able to accomplish anything, Mama.

I know, I should focus. I'm trying, Mama.

Last night, I had fever. Or at least I felt that I had fever. Good thing, I felt better when I woke up this morning. One thing that worries me Mama is this recurring headache and I am always feeling sleepy. I hope I can find time to exercise. Maybe if I can get more physical activities, I would feel better.

Well, I really do not have anything much to say right now, Mama. The songwriting contest finalists were not announced yet. So that means I still have a chance... or not. Anyway, the results are not yet out.

I guess, I have to stop now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Angel's cooking, Edgar will audition, and Ralph will be Ralph

Dear Mama,

I don't know if I told you already, Angel is now doing some cooking too. Since I started working and coming home late, she now cooks our dinner. Provided, of course, that everything is ready and available for her. She just cooks rice and some easy-to-cook foods that require a little frying. Although, burnt foods like scramble eggs are often present, at least she's trying, Mama.

Edgar, will be auditioning today for the choir in his school. I hope he passes, Mama. I want him to pass so that he will get more trainings and exposures. We both know that he is musically inclined, which I admit he got from you. Sometimes though, he doesn't like to admit it, despite his guitar playing skills and his good singing voice. The choir will hone him and boost his self-esteem, Mama.

And Ralph, oh well, he will always be the Ralph that we used to know, Mama. Playful and stubborn. But he steps up where it counts, Mama. He will be graduating again next year, for his 5th year in accounting, then he will take his review class and the board exam. I just hope I would know how to guide him.

Mama, today is the announcement of the grand finalists for the Himig Handog Songwriting Contest of ABS-CBN. I know I should not be expecting but, wouldn't it be great if I actually made it this time, Mama? Wishful thinking, I know. But I can dream, can't I? I just want you to be proud of me, Mama.

Guess that will be all for now, Mama. At least I would end my letter on a positive note. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you so much.

I love you.


Daddy

Headache...

Dear Mama,

I woke up late today, around 9 a.m., although I stood up at around 9:30 a.m. I have a headache, must be from the hangover I have. I went home around 4 a.m. this morning, after going out with a friend who is celebrating his birthday. I already took medicine, Mama. I hope I'll feel better later in the day so I can do everything I planned to do today.

Anyway, the kids woke up late too. So, we'll be having brunch again in a while. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Sorry Mama

I'm sorry, Mama. I just had to let off some steam.

I over-reacted again

Dear Mama,

I came home last night at around 7:00 p.m., earlier than my usual time of going home. I was excited because I would be having dinner with the kids since I knew they are all at home. It was dark in the street because of the blackout. Imagine my surprise when I found out that it was only Ralph who was at home, Mama.

He said Edgar went to his classmate and Angel took the dog out for a walk. I was so mad, Mama. Imagine, the weather is not really fine because of the continuous rain, and as I've said it was so dark outside. I immediately went out to look for Angel. While outside, I called Edgar and told him to come home immediately.

Honestly, I did not know where to look for Angel. It was so dark and you really cannot see anything outside. I walked around Marisol and I did not find Angel. All the while, I was trying to call Ralph on his phone but I cannot get through because he was talking to his girlfriend. I was partly relieved when the power went back, but I still haven't seen Angel.

I went home and found the children all there. I was so mad and again was shouting, Mama. I'm really sorry. I can't help it. I was worried sick, and I did not like what they did.

After that, Mama, I felt dizzy. I am not sure if it's my BP brought about my outburst. I slept early last night because I was not well. I was afraid, because I knew I am no longer as healthy as I thought I was. But what I really fear is going through all these alone. I need you, Mama. Please be here.

I love you.


Daddy

The day I stop writing letters

Dear Mama,

The day that I stop writing these letters... will be the day I will be with you.

And it won't be long, Mama. I promise.


Daddy

Please tell me why I should not end my life

Dear Mama,

Please tell me why? Tell my why I should not end my life. She said she was not ready, so I waited for a few months. Today, I came to see her after work in the hospital because she was at night duty. I was happy because she smiled when she saw me... I thought I had the chance. Only to find out that she's happy because someone is making her happy. Yes Mama, Gail already has a special someone... and I'm too late again.

Why Mama? Why am I not worthy?

Is it a cause for alarm?

Dear Mama,

You know how I've been telling you how I'm not feeling well, cold and weak, right? This afternoon, my friend Roland brought his electronic BP gauge in the office and checked my blood pressure. The screen on the device registered 135 over 102. I know that is not my normal BP, but should I be alarmed, Mama?

I thought what I was feeling was just tension from the anxieties I've had this past few weeks, that is why I was sure I would be okay. I shouldn't have let him read my BP, at least I wouldn't know. I do not like to worry about it, Mama. I was adviced to consult a doctor, but I don't know. You know how I really do not like going to doctors, Mama.

If only I could hold your hand, this fear would vanish. I know I am okay. I have to be okay. Perhaps the device misread my BP, I would like to think it did. I can't be sick, especially since you're not here. I'm talking nonsense again. I'm sorry, Mama. It's just too difficult to be alone in times like this. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Cold and weak

Dear Mama,

The rainy days and too much anxieties are taking their toll on me. I feel cold and weak, Mama. I wish you're here by my side right now., taking care of me. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I guess I should still be thankful

Dear Mama,

Just this morning, I was wondering how I would make it until next payday which is still 3 days from now. I only have P500 right now, which is not really a new situation for me. Of course, I was worried. It would be easy to borrow, but I have already borrowed money since last payday that are earmarked on my next salary. I thought that would be my only concern.

As Edgar was cooking rice this morning for our brunch, so I could save money on meals, we found out that we ran out of gas. You know how easily I get frustrated and depressed when these things happen. I had no other choice, Mama. I went back to Nanay so I could borrow money to buy gas. No matter if less money will be left on my next payday, the kids need to eat. Feeling down, I went out of the house without telling the kids where I would be going.

But as I was on my way to Sta. Teresita, I guess the long walk along the way did me good. Because it suddenly entered my mind that, perhaps, I am still lucky because my problem is only money. True, I was worried sick this last few days because of the kids' pending tuition fee installment again, and that I can barely make it until the next payday, and in perfect timing we ran out of gas. But I can borrow money... I can sign promissory notes in school... in other words, they can be solved. It doesn't matter if I get humiliated a little... it doesn't matter if I have no pride left... what's important is I will do it for the kids.

And I am thankful, Mama. Because the kids are healthy, they're doing fine, and you raised them well. Yes, they are not the perfect 'saintly' kids, but they do know their values, and they are happy kids. I would like to think they are happy, Mama. Maybe I may not give them everything other kids their age are getting now, but I know they understand that I am giving priority to more important things. This is all because of you, Mama. Thank you for the foundation of values you taught them.

Of course, it would still be better if you're here with us. Things would be lighter, because I have you. I'm sorry, Mama. I understand why it happened, and I will not forget my promise to you. I will take good care of our kids. Thank you for everything, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Test time again

Dear Mama,

It's test time again for Angel in just about two weeks, and you know how it is when they are having their test. They will be sending me statement of accounts again which I have to pay before I can get Angel's permit. I still have balance for the previous statement and I just signed a promissory note. Now, here it is again and they will look at me again from head and toe if I will be filling up another promissory note. I guess that's just how it is, Mama. There's really nothing I can do but accept whatever they're going to say.

It's cold now and I still feel sick, Mama. I am not taking any medicine, I just drink water often. So far, I'm okay. But I really feel tired, Mama. I really wish I could rest and be with you.

Take care Mama, sorry I have to cut this letter. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

I am not well

Dear Mama,

I am not feeling well. I don't know if it's because of too much thinking, fatigue, anxiety, depression, or all of the above. All I know is that I am weak, I feel cold and my joints are hurting. But I can't be absent from work. I have a pending deadline, Mama. I want to finish this one.

I wish you're here, I know I'll feel better faster. I miss you, Mama.

 I love you.


Daddy

Still no good news

Dear Mama,

It's already July 23 and I still haven't received any good news. I'm talking about the scriptwriting workshop, Mama. Although they didn't post any dates on the website for the announcement, I guess by now they should have chosen the qualified participants. Maybe I did not pass, Mama. Well, what can I expect? I submitted a poem, instead of a story. I just wish they would read through the poem I sent.

As for the songwriting contest, Himig-Handog said the announcement will be on August 15. Here I go again hoping, like I have a chance to pass the judges' standards. Well, it's okay to dream, isn't it Mama? If only I were a better guitar player and a singer, maybe my songs would have sounded better, then maybe they would give me a chance.

Oh well, here I go again. Always full of wishful thinking. I really hope things would get better someday. Maybe some good news await at the horizon. Maybe, someday I would be respected for who I am.

Until my next letter, Mama. I feel sleepy already. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Aren't things supposed to get better?

Dear Mama,

I'm trying to be strong. I swear. I just wish I can hug you right now.I really need it.

The kids are fine, don't worry Mama. I assure you they and their needs are being taken care of.

I miss you, Mama. I do. Please take care of yourself.

I love you.


Daddy

Dear Mama,

I really need your hug right now...

How do I cook kare-kare?

Dear Mama,

Edgar has been requesting for kare-kare these past few days. I already told him I don't know how to cook it and I'm sure he knew it but he keeps on mentioning it every meal time. How do I cook that, Mama? I cannot even dare look at recipe books because I know it's too hard for a trying-hard-cook-wannabe like me.

I'm sure if you were here, you could have easily cooked it for him. I'm sorry, Mama. I just feel sorry for the kids because they were left with me.

Anyway, I need to go to work now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Are all men really the same?

Dear Mama,

Am at the office now. It's lunch break although I am not really taking my lunch. I don't usually open my account here, but the computer at home needed reformatting and I have yet to pick it up tonight.

It was such a bad week last week, Mama. I hope this week will be better. Gail still isn't talking to me. Although to be honest, I haven't really initiated any attempt to communicate with her. I am afraid, Mama. She might still be upset with me. I know, I really do not have a chance with her... but why am I still holding on, Mama?

Are all men really the same? I heard that again last week from a friend. That truth that was staring me. I really  wish I would be given a chance, Mama. Anyway, I guess it's all for the better so I can look after the kids.

Oh well, looks like I am just answering my own questions. I hope I can really talk to you. I could use a hug right now, Mama.

Take care of yourself now. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.

Daddy

Will things get worse?

Dear Mama,

It looks like my decision to leave my stable job at the hospital for a new one is going to backfire on me. Honestly, my finances are not really getting any better, and worse there is no guarantee if the company will last. I really wish there would be some 'divine intervention' anytime soon, for the sake of the kids.

It will be more than a month before the finalists for the Himig-Handog songwriting contest will be announced, Mama. I know I should not be expecting... and I am not. But I do hope that this time they would notice. It is the only way I know for Gail to hear, and perhaps appreciate, the song I wrote for her. I'm sorry, Mama. I am still hoping. I really don't know why I can't give her up.

Anyway, will be preparing for work anytime now. I do not really feel well. My head feels light and I feel sick. I would love to call in sick but then that won't help me nor the company.

Until my next letter, Mama. Please take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Sundae night

Dear Mama,

Just arrived home after having some chocolate sundae at Mcdo-hiway with the kids. It's been a while since we've done it Mama, that is why I asked the kids out after dinner. Of course, they would always love to go out for sundae.

It's Monday again tomorrow. Never really had a good weekend rest, Mama and it looks like it's going to be a busy week coming to me. It's also exam week again for Edgar and Angel. As usual, I will be going for promissory notes again for both of them. Oh well...

Anyway, I will have to say goodnight for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Not feeling well, and Edgar too

Dear Mama,

I am not feeling well right now. I feel cold and I feel like I'm going to get sick. I already took medicine, Mama. I can't afford to be sick, there'll be no one who will look after the kids. Edgar is not well too. He is already sleeping now. It's a good thing that their classes were suspended due to continuous rains, at least he is able to rest early. I hope he'll be fine when he wakes up tomorrow morning.

Ralph is still in school right now. Their classes were not suspended in Holy Angel. I hope he's just fine. I'm sure he brought his umbrella with him. Angel is doing some school works now. We already had our dinner. I would like to rest early too, but Ralph is not yet home. And I also want to finish my sample script tonight so I can already submit my application to the scriptwriting workshop. The deadline will be this Friday, Mama.

Well, that will be all for now, Mama. Please take care of yourself. I really miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I want to talk to you... I want to say something...

Dear Mama,

I want to talk to you... say something... but I don't know where or how to start. Nothing's really serious, Mama. I just wish I could have a conversation with you, just like what we used to do. Anyway, we just arrived home from SM Clark, Mama. It was just Angel and I, but Ralph joined us and naturally, I asked Edgar to proceed there too. Ralph came from his girlfriend while Edgar went swimming with his classmate that's why it was just Angel and I who went there in the afternoon.

Speaking of Angel, she just had her first Cosplay yesterday. It would have been fine except for one untoward incident. The organizers asked her to pay additional for the wig. I don't understand that, Mama. They invite them and then asked to pay for the costumes. I just allowed Angel because she wanted it, but she said that might be the last time.

Still looking for another job, Mama. Looks like I don't have a clear future in my present job. I'm still considering the scriptwriting workshop although I haven't submitted my application yet.

Well, that will be for now, I guess. I feel sleepy and I might talk nonsense here. Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

Angel's cake, the songwriting contest, and a possible new job

Dear Mama,

When I came home this evening, Angel told me that she brought home a cake. I thought it was just cake slice which she bought or brought home from a party or something. But it was a whole chocolate cake, which apparently was given to her by a boy who has a crush on her. I was just smiling Mama, as she was telling me. I didn't want to make her afraid or feel awkward in telling me about things like this. At least she's still being honest and open. Our baby is really growing up fast, Mama.

Speaking of which, she was asking permission from me to allow her to join cosplayers this Saturday. It will held in Clark, and she will be going with some of her classmates. She did not even ask for money to rent her costume, Mama. She just saved her allowances, just so I won't get mad at her if she asks money. Although I have, in a way, said yes, I'm still worried about her, Mama. But she really wants it. I really hope she'll be just fine and safe this weekend on her first cosplay.

I have also received an email from ABS-CBN's Himig-Handog, Mama. The email acknowledged that they have received my song entry for the songwriting contest and have given me my entry number. I wish I would make good this time, Mama. Wish me luck.

Lastly, it is not yet sure Mama, but I have a new job soon. Until things get better at my work now. It's really fine as it is now, Mama, but the prospects are really looking bleak. I just hope a project gets approved soon so I have more basis to weigh things.

Well, I guess that's about all for now, Mama. Please take care of yourself. I really miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Another blessing...

Dear Mama,

I received another blessing yesterday. I was surprised to hear that Julius has sent money for me. I was not expecting it, Mama. I haven't asked from him or from Ate Let. But it came at the most perfect time, Mama. I need to pay for the kids' tuition fee installment soon.

But I was thinking, Mama. With all these help coming to me, should I still be proud that I am being able to take care of the kids and send them to school? When almost half of the money I spend on their needs are coming from support... alms... from friends and relatives? Is that something I should be proud of?

I am thankful, Mama. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, especially since I am very much aware that I need these supports. But others are congratulating me... praising me... and saying a lot of good words to me because I am able to raise the kids by myself. If only they knew, I only made it because of the support of other people... if only they knew, Mama.

Anyway, if it inspires them, I'll just let it be. I'll just smile and say thank you to them.

Oh well, until my next letter, Mama. I don't anything nice or happy to say anymore Take care of yourself always. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

I joined another songwriting contest

Dear Mama,

I joined another songwriting contest. This time it's the ABS-CBN's Himig Handog Songwriting Competition. I submitted again the song I wrote for her, Mama. I know I have a very slim chance given the poor quality of my voice and the recording, but you know my reason why I am submitting the song, Mama. It's for her to hear it once it gets played on national TV.

After losing in the PhilPop songwriting contest, I was already having second-thoughts if I should still join the contest in Channel 2, but I figured that if I didn't try, I will never win. I will never have the chance, right? Or am I just dreaming again, Mama?

I also saw another opportunity, Mama. Channel 2 will be holding a scriptwriting workshop and it will be for free. But they will screen the participants, Mama. I just hope I will have a chance, because from their requirements, they might be prioritizing those with scriptwriting background. However, I will still try my luck, Mama. I will submit an application form and just hope for the best.

One problem is that, the workshop will be for three months, I just don't know if it would be a stay-in workshop or a weekend workshop. It would be a good experience if it would be a stay-in workshop, but I cannot afford to be without income for 3 months, Mama. I hope it's a weekend workshop so I can join. Oh well, I'm still not sure if I would be qualified anyway.

That would be all for now, Mama. Thank you for listening to me. I really miss you, Mama. I could use a hug right now. Take care of yourself. I miss you Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Days go on...

Dear Mama,

It's the second day of the silly bet and I'm not really having a bad time coping... I just keep myself busy. But that wasn't the reason I am writing. Angel is already in school, the two boys are still sleeping. After this letter, I will be preparing for work. It's just another day, Mama. Nothing really exciting to look forward to.

Sometimes, life can be a drag. I don't know, Mama. I really don't know if I really feel down or just bored. Sometimes I even ask myself why should I even get up in the morning?

Oh well, I don't like the tone this letter is getting. I just better get ready for work. Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss your hugs. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

A silly bet

Dear Mama,

Last night, a friend dared me on a bet. She said that I should stop posting my feelings about Gail on Facebook. She, as well as my other friends, thinks that I'm overdoing it and exposing myself too much. I said because that's how I am. That's how I express myself. I knew she meant well, Mama. I knew they all meant well. I knew they were all concerned about me.

My friend said that if I stopped, maybe Gail would notice. I said that would be impossible because whether I post or not wouldn't matter to her. As far as she is concerned, I do not exist... in spite of the things I've done for her, some of which she wasn't even aware of. And that's how the bet started, Mama.

So for two months, I will not post or write, at least on Facebook, about my feelings for her. I just do not know how much I can hold myself. Maybe it would really do me good. Maybe she would notice, or maybe not. I don't know. Let's see.

By the way, last night after I said goodbye to you in my letter Angel was already done cooking. I was surprised because I'm sure it was less than 10 minutes. When I entered the kitchen, there was smoke all over. So I told her, starting today I will just be the one to cook when I arrive home. Of course, that would only mean we will have late dinners. But at least I won't be worried, I can teach her later. She has more time to learn.

Well, I need to prepare for work now Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Angel is cooking now

Dear Mama,

Angel is cooking now. I mean, right at this very moment. I am just letting her on her own and trying to refrain myself from taking a peak in the kitchen to see how she's doing. She just finished cooking rice and now she's frying chicken nuggets. She has to learn somehow, right Mama?

I do hope she learns in time, Mama. But I have to cut my letter short because I need to get ready anytime she calls me. Until next letter, Mama. Take care of yourself.

I miss you, Mama. I love you.


Daddy

Father's Day with the kids

Dear Mama,

Yesterday was Father's Day and I was fortunate enough to celebrate it with the kids. We went to Marquee Mall to buy some things Edgar needed for school and stayed awhile, walking around while waiting for time. Then we went to a grill restaurant for dinner and to a fastfood for dessert. It's very seldom that I can do this with the kids lately, Mama. I was just glad that they were complete yesterday.

Well, we almost did not make it Mama. I mean, we almost did not celebrate Father's Day. Ralph was sick the other day and Angel was feeling some pain in her stomach area which has something to do with her monthly period. And to top it all, they made me angry an hour before we were about to go. They were quarreling and arguing over some senseless things and they did not want to stop even if I was telling them to stop. Until I got angry and shouted at them, it was only then that they stopped. I 'm sorry I shouted again, Mama. I was thinking if should take them out after that. Of course, I decided we still had to go, perhaps we needed to go out.

That will be all for now, Mama. Please take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Edgar is sick

Dear Mama,

Edgar is sick, and it his first day of school today. Knowing him, he will still go to school later. I cannot stay home and look after him, Mama. I hope he gets well before his school time.

I woke up with Angel giving him medicine. I need to prepare breakfast now, Mama. Angel will be going to school anytime.

Bye for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you.

I love you Mama.


Daddy

Down... and up... down again...

Dear Mama,

This is tiring. Feeling up and all hyped up one moment, and then down and so low the next. It's crazy, I know. If only you were here Mama, I could just hold your hands or ask for a hug, and I would actually feel better. But as it is, you are not here Mama. I'm all alone. Ironically, one of the reasons of this low feeling is the pursuit of someone to fill the void you left. Am I being selfish, Mama?

Don't worry, Mama. The kids' welfare are not being sacrificed. They are still being taken care of. They are still my priority, just as I promised you. I will never put them second to none. Not even to her who would not even look my way.

But you know my feelings, Mama. You know the truth. I'm sure you know the sincerity in me.

I really wish I can hold your hands and hug you right now, Mama. I miss you.

Take care.

I love you.


Daddy

Loss again....

Dear Mama,

I loss again in the songwriter contest. She will never hear the song I wrote for her

An unexpected blessing

Dear Mama,

I received an unexpected text today from a former officemate. She read my post in Facebook about the kids being enrolled already and that my only concern are the books, uniforms and other school related expenses. She offered to help on the books. I was really surprised, Mama. It's a big help for me. I can now buy some of the books of Angel, and maybe I can buy some of Edgar's materials too.

God is indeed good, Mama. I wasn't expecting it. I was trying to budget my salary for the kids' expenses. At least now, I can breathe a little. Thank God for the help.

Ralph is okay now. His practicum units already regularized, and he just have to finish his 5th year and he would be taking his review class next year. I have big faith that he will pass and be a CPA too. I think he will make a good auditor, Mama.

I'm still waiting for the result of the PhilPop songwriting contest and the feedback from Universal Records on the song I sent. I hope they will both bring favorable result.

Anyway, that would be all for now Mama. Please take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Things will get better

Dear Mama,

Things will get better from now on. I promise, Mama.

Take care of yourself. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

Ready to move on...

Dear Mama,

I'm sorry about what I have been going through these past few days. Now I realized that it's not helping me and the kids. Worse, I'm beginning to hurt other people too. I guess it's time that I should forget about Gail and move on. No, by moving on I don't mean I'll be looking and fall in love in other girls, Mama. Because I don't think I can, or I will. She will always be the one for me.

I will just focus (again) on the kids, Mama. Work harder for their future. I will also focus on my writing and hope to publish more books. I am also dreaming (still) of having my songs produced, recorded and sung by professional singers, Mama. I can feel it coming true anytime in the near future.

I hope that this time I will be firm, Mama. I hope will not get distracted. I really hope that it's all over so I can really move on.

That will be all for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you very much.


Daddy

All kids enrolled

Dear Mama,

All kids are now enrolled for the coming school year. The new job couldn't have come at a different time, Mama. Otherwise, I could have enrolled only one of them. It was a difficult decision, because I won;t be seeing her anymore, but I know it was a good decision... for the kids, at least.

I paid only for the entrance fees though and still have to buy some books, shoes and other school stuff, not to mention the succeeding tuition fee payments. But I can worry about those later, what's important is that they are enrolled now. I know I won't be having as much problem now as I had then.

I wanted to talk to you about a lot of things, but I really do not know where to start. How I wish I could see you, even just in my dreams so I can tell you everything. It's hard pretending to be strong, Mama.

Oh well, I guess this is life. I have to go through with it. I have no choice. Take care of yourself, Mama. Don't worry about the kids, they're fine. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Sorry Mama...

Dear Mama,

I'm so sorry. I bought myself a rather expensive rubber shoes. But they are on sale, Mama... 50% off! I hope I am not being selfish, Mama. It's the first time I bought myself a 'real' rubber shoes. You know I always buy myself those cheap unheard brands of shoes, which I have to repair every 3 months or so. Besides, Ralph, Edgar and I almost have the same shoe size, so it's not really just for me. They can wear it too, Mama. So, it's not really that to much of self-indulgence. I promise to buy them 'real' shoes too next time, Mama. I'm really sorry.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Happy mother's day, Mama

Dear Mama,

It's just another one of those days that emphasizes the fact that you are no longer with us. It's been more that four years, I know. But there are moments that I still wish it didn't have to happen. Maybe I'll be a much better person if you were still here.

Happy mother's day, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Almost there and yet...

Dear Mama,

I know things will get better soon. I can feel it, Mama. Except that there are hurdles that I have to overcome first. If only I can pass them, I know it will get better. So pray for me, Mama. Pray for us.

Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Angel is enrolled

Dear Mama,

Just had Angel enrolled this morning. It's a good thing that the minimum payment is just right for the amount of money I have left. At least, I can relax with Angel in the meantime, I only have to think about Edgar and Ralph's enrollment which will be next week, and I don't know where to get the money right now. Ate Let will not be able to help me now because she some concerns too, Ate Det is not replying to my text messages, and I am not sure if I will be able to ask for cash advance at work because I am still under probation. Will try to look for other sources, Mama. At least now, I will be able to have money to pay for loans if ever.

Yes Mama. I just turned 44 now. It's my birthday, and just like my previous birthdays, it was just an ordinary day for us. No celebrations, and we didn't even eat out. Like what I told you, my money was just enough for Angel's entrance fee in school. Ralph bought me cake, though. We ate it after dinner.

Well, I guess that's about it Mama. So far, I am not whining. I better stop before I make a start. Take care of yourself, Mama. I hope to be with you soon.

I miss you Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Ralph's graduation...

Dear Mama,

Ralph graduated from 4th year college. There wasn't any celebration because we're short on cash. But we just went out to eat in a fastfood restaurant, together with Edgar and Angel, after the graduation ceremony this afternoon. It was even Ralph who paid for our bill, although I promised to pay him next week which is our payday. Although he graduated already, he will still have to continue going to school for his 5th year, Mama. It is a requisite now before he can take the review exam. So, he is still not required to work. While he is actually working now, albeit with a very low salary, I still do not require him to help in the household expenses. One good thing though, is that he doesn't ask for money anymore to buy for his personal needs.

It's already 1:27 a.m., actually. So, my "this afternoon" should be "yesterday afternoon." Anyway, I'm still not asleep, Mama. I still recorded the song I wrote which I plan to submit in a songwriting contest. I have to wait very late until everything is quiet. You know I only record at home, Mama. If only I have a beautiful voice just like you, I would have a chance, Mama. Well, let's just hope that they would listen to the lyrics, instead of the quality of my voice.

That's all for now, Mama. My birthday is coming soon.

Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Since Ralph is now graduating...

Dear Mama,

Can I quit now? Seriously, Mama. I want to follow you. I'm tired, Mama. I can't go on anymore.

I also want to rest, Mama.

Please?


Daddy

What did I do?

Dear Mama,

What did I do this time? Why is Gail mad at me? Why is she upset? I didn't do anything wrong. All I did was expressed my feelings. The last thing I would like to do is to make her mad at me. You know that Mama, right?

Do I really have to let it all go and forget about her? Is she not the one, Mama? Don't you approve of her? I don't know what to do. First, you have to leave me... and now, Gail.

I'm sorry, Mama. All I've been writing about is Gail these past few days. I'm doing my best to forget her, Mama. I swear. I guess I should try harder.

Don't worry Mama, the kids are not being taken for granted. I promised you that, Mama.

Until my next letter, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Am I upsetting you?

Dear Mama,

I wish there could be a way to know how you're feeling about these things I'm doing right now. I hope I am not upsetting you for all those poems, songs and quotes I am doing for Gail. You know it doesn't mean I have forgotten about you , Mama. It doesn't also mean that I love you less. I hope you understand what I'm going through.

The thing is, all of these actually do not amount to anything for her and I do not understand why I keep on doing them still. But rest assured that I will never let the kids' welfare be compromised. I promised that I will never put anything or anyone on top of them.

If ever she would reciprocate, I would be the happiest. Unfortunately, I know that it is close to impossible.

Anyway, I really do not have anything much to say now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Ralph will finally graduate

Dear Mama,

I was able to get my first salary from my new job yesterday, that means I will be able to pay for his back accounts and graduation fee in school, Mama. Isn't that great?! Ralph will finally graduate! Now, all I have to worry about is his OJT fee and fifth year tuition fee, and by his review time next year, I hope I am financially stable.

Good thing that my new job came just in time. I hope I can be wise and prudent in handling our finances this time Mama, so I can take care of all the needs of the kids. Don't worry, I promised you I will take care of them and I will do just that. No one can make me forget that promise, Mama. I may look lovesick or delirious sometimes, but I assure you, the kids' welfare is still my first priority.

Anyway, got to prepare for today's work. Will buy pandesal for breakfast and will wake up the kids. Bye for now, Mama. Take care of yourself. I really miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

You'll be proud of me yet...

Dear Mama,

I know I'm slow, but I also know that someday you will be proud of me too. I may not be the best father but I am doing my best to provide for the kids' needs. Sometimes, I can't do much that I can't really give everything. But believe me Mama, I am doing everything I can. Soon, Ralph would graduate from college. I hope he would know what to do. He would still still need to study, though. I will always be there to support him.

Another thing, Mama is the songwriting contest I've mentioned in my last letter. I really want to join that. I hope I would be given a break this time and my song would be included in the final list and make you proud. Maybe, she would be proud of me too Mama. Right? I'm sorry.

Anyway, I'll stop now. Take care of yourself, Mama. I really miss you.

I love you Mama.


Daddy

Another songwriting contest

Dear Mama,

There's another songwriting contest, and I'm dreaming of joining again. I will submit two songs if I can finish the second one. The first song is the one I wrote back in 1995 which was inspired by the Mt. Pinatubo eruption. I'm still not yet finish with the second song, Mama. It's a song that I am writing for Gail, although I don't know if she would even hear it. Having it included in the finals would give me a chance to let her hear it, Mama.

Sorry, I'm talking about her again. I can't help it. It's irritating me as well, Mama. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm sorry, Mama.

Anyway, I hope I will have some luck in this contest. If only I were a better singer, I would have a better chance. Just wish me luck... because I need it very badly.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you.


Daddy

Why do I keep on missing her?

Dear Mama,

I know I promise to forget her... but why can't I stop thinking about her? No, don't worry Mama. I am still able to do my work, take care of the kids, perform my responsibilities, etc. But all of these I do with her in my mind. I am trying my best to stop it, but I just keep on missing her, Mama. I know this wouldn't really lead to anything especially since she will never love me nor even like me.

I really don't know what to do, Mama. It's consuming me.



Daddy

2nd week on my new job

Dear Mama,

I just want to say good morning. It's the start of another week. My second week on my new job now, I hope I'll be more productive and contribute more so that they will feel that they made the right decision in hiring me.

I also wish that I can finally pay for Ralph's tuition and graduation fee by Saturday so he can finally graduate.

I really don't have anything much to say today, Mama. Nothing much happened cause it was a long weekend and we stayed home, the kids and I. I promised you I will never talk about... her again.

Please take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you, Mama.


Daddy

I need your embrace

Dear Mama,

I wish I could feel your embrace right now. I really need it. Nothing new really, Mama. I just want to feel your embrace.

Yesterday, I went to La Pieta to visit you. It's been a while since I went there, Mama. I'm sorry. The last I was there was November 1 last year. I didn't visit on February 14, your death anniversary nor on your birthday last November. I was afraid to find place desecrated again, I wouldn't know what to do. Good thing it was okay yesterday when I visited it. Except for the grasses which already grew because I am no longer paying for the caretaker.

Next week I'll be getting Angel's report card, and perhaps Edgar's grades will be released too. After that, it'll be enrollment of the two I will be looking forward to. Ralph on the other hand, has his graduation scheduled on the 27th of this month. I am still not sure if he can join the graduation because I still haven't raised enough funds for the balance on his tuition fee.

Anyway, other than problems on finances, which are not really new, we are fine, Mama. The kids and I are okay. They're healthy, behaved and are well. I am okay too. Trying to pick up the pieces and move on for the sake of the kids. So don't worry, Mama. I promise to take care of them, and I will fulfill that promise.

Well, I've said a mouthful again. Until my next letter, Mama. Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

Going out for Visita Iglesia

Dear Mama,

I will be going out with the kids in a while. We will be having our Visita Iglesia, Mama. It's the fourth straight year now that we are doing this. I'm glad we still have this family activity that we can share together. How I wish you are still here Mama and join us in our Visita Iglesa. I'm sure you are watching us and is still with us in spirit.

Take care of yourself, Mama. I miss you.

I love you Mama.


Daddy

I will try to forget her...

Dear Mama,

Sorry about my last letter. I promise I will let go of this feeling and will try to forget Gail. I knew it wasn't meant to be... I promise to take good care of the kids. I'm sorry, Mama.

Take care of yourself. I miss you, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

My first day at my new job...

Dear Mama,

Today was my first day at my new job. It was okay, Mama. Nothing's exciting happened. I'm still trying to make heads or tails on what I was doing. Although, I am glad I was already busy on my first day. There are still lots of work to be done, and I still have to learn. I really hope I can deliver on the task expected of me.

But what's funny, Mama was that, all throughout the day I was thinking of Gail. AS IN. I never thought I'd miss her this bad, Mama. If only she knew how much she means to me. How I wish I can make her see.... I love her, Mama. If only there is something I can do to make her love me too.

I'm sorry, Mama. I don't know if it's okay to tell you all this. But you wanted me to be happy, right? And only Gail can give me that happiness right now... but she wouldn't, Mama... she wouldn't.

If only there is something I can do...

Take care of yourself, Mama. Sorry for this letter... sorry for being honest.

I miss you, Mama. I love you.


Daddy

A brand new start?

Dear Mama,

It's the start of a new month, and a new chapter of life for me. I'm going to start on my job tomorrow, Monday. It was my last day on Friday at the hospital. I was able to finish my clearance and get my paycheck. Of course, the damage has been done and Edgar was not able to audition for the singing contest. Anyway, everything went well. I really wish I didn't have to leave.

Nothing special on my last at the hospital, Mama. Nothing... except Gail. I told you that she wasn't talking to me again, and I don't want it to be that way on my last day. So I text her and since it's my last day, I requested that I see her smile. She didn't reply, Mama. I was expecting that. I didn't see her in the morning too during my rounds. When I came back to my table, I saw a piece of paper with a caricature of a nurse smiling with a caption "Smile granted"

That made my day, Mama. To think I wasn't smiling the whole morning because I was frustrated in securing my clearance and my last salary. But that little gesture changed it all. I know it doesn't really mean anything, but at least it made me feel special. In the afternoon, I went back to the hemodialysis unit and she was there. She talked to me... and she smiled. She made my last day special.

Anyway, to continue. Ralph will have his graduation on April 27. He is still isn't paid in his tuition fees, though. I hope I can find the means before that week or else he won't graduate. And then, enrollment will immediately follow. Praying that we can get through this once more, Mama.

Thank you very much for being there, Mama. Thank you for always listening. I wish I can hug you. I really need one right now. I miss you. Take care of yourself, Mama.

I love you.


Daddy

What now?

Dear Mama,

I don't know what's wrong. I don't like what's happening at the hospital , in my last days of work. Gail is not talking to me again. She is avoiding me just like what she was doing before. I thought I already had a chance. Why can't she like me, Mama? Is it because I'm too old or too ugly for her?

Anyway, enough of Gail. I still do not have my clearance from work. That means I might not be able to get my last paycheck, and it's Edgar's birthday! It wasn't my fault my clearance was delayed, Mama. They delayed it! Intentionally or not, they delayed it! I have been following up on my clearance two weeks ago. I filed my resignation letter last month. Now, I'm having a difficult time getting my paycheck. Which is actually right because I worked for it. I attended my last month at work without being conscious of the number of days I have left there. I still did my work like I am still a regular employee who will stay for a long time.

Now, it's Edgar birthday and I cannot even take the kids to a fastfood restaurant to celebrate. Why do these things happen to me, Mama? Please hug me, Mama. I need it right now... I miss you, Mama. I love you.


Daddy